A Pastor’s Posture

April 27, 2015

By Ted Cunningham

Sunday mornings are filled with handshakes, hugs, head nods, taps on the shoulder, and many quick conversations. I catch myself rushing through some conversations and lingering in others. Recently a pastor challenged me with how others feel in my presence. He taught that there are two ways to enter a room. The first way is rooted in self and says, “Here I am.” The second is concerned about the well-being of others and says, “There you are.” When you walk into a room or conversation, do you look for ways to bless the one standing right in front of you? Even if it’s a quick encounter, the quality of that time includes both verbal and nonverbal communication.
Relationship experts teach that 7% of our communication is verbal (words) and 93% is nonverbal. Your approach, more than your words, communicates to people how much you value them. Before you speak your first word, the other person knows where they stand with you. Consider the following ways to honor someone this Sunday without using words.
Eye contact says, “I am interested and focused on what you are saying.” Looking at your watch or mobile device shows them that you would rather check the time or social media. Looking over the other person’s shoulder says, “I wonder if there is someone more interesting to talk to” or “That conversation over there looks like more fun than this one.”
The Blue Man Group is a popular stage show where three guys, with just their eyes, communicate sadness, curiosity, surprise, joy, relief, confusion, and anticipation. Proverbs 15:30 says, “Bright eyes gladden the heart.” “Bright eyes” express excitement to the one you are greeting. People know when our eyes say, “There you are, I’m so glad to see you,” and they also know when they say, “Oh boy, they’re going to take up way too much of my time.”
Facial expressions honor others too. A wink says, “I get what you’re saying.” Raising your eyebrows shows excitement, shock, and intrigue. Gritted teeth have a way of portraying fright. A simple smile lets others know you enjoy their presence, story, or joke. A furrowed brow and straight lips show empathy. Pastors spend a lot of time listening. When you can’t get a word in edgewise, track with the conversation by thoughtfully using facial expressions. Flat faces are the enemy of enthusiasm.
One’s posture also communicates an open or closed spirit. Folded arms say, “I’m not receiving your critique.” Arms at the side are non-threatening and open to the feedback of another. Sitting on the edge of your seat and leaning forward shows interest and enthusiasm, but too much of it can come across as aggressive. A hand in your pocket shows that you are relaxed and trust the other person.
Your proximity to the other person is a nonverbal often overlooked in pastoral care. Standing too close to someone is called “getting in their space.” You can also dishonor someone by moving away from them while they are in the middle of a story. Distancing yourself says, “We need to wrap up this conversation.”
Finally, physical touch is a nonverbal showing forgiveness, companionship, and even romance. Parents hold hands with their children to protect and lead their children across a busy street. A husband shows chivalry by placing his hand on the small of his wife’s back as she walks through the door he opened for her. A gentle hand on the shoulder can say, “Will you forgive me? I’m sorry.” Appropriate physical touch shows love. I give a lot of side-hugs on Sunday.
To be honest with you, the sixty-second counseling sessions and prayers on Sundays are the hardest for me. When they feel rushed, they come across as insincere. This isn’t my heart at all. The conversation turnovers are tough, too. One moment, I’m praying with someone battling cancer and the next moment someone asks if I caught the latest episode of Shark Tank. Whatever the situation, I want each person I come in contact with to know I esteem them as highly valuable no matter the duration of our interaction.
What do members of your congregation feel when they walk away from you on Sundays? What are some nonverbal ways you can show genuine care for first-time guests to your church? When you walk in the room, do you honor people with an enthusiastic approach? Blessings to you as you honor others in their presence.
Copyright © 2015 by Ted Cunningham. Used by permission.
Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church. He married Amy in 1996, and they live in Branson, MO with their two children, Corynn and Carson. Ted is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child, and Young and In Love, and coauthor of four books with Dr. Gary Smalley. He is a graduate of Liberty University and Dallas Theological Seminary..

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Marriage in the Dock: A Call to Prayer

By Russell Moore

 

The Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission is asking you to join us in praying for the preservation and strengthening of marriage as oral arguments involving several cases on same-sex marriage are heard before the Supreme Court on April 28.
It’s important that we stress just how significant these cases are. Before the Court is an up or down vote to redefine marriage. Like Roe v. Wade was to abortion, what the Supreme Court decides regarding whether to redefine marriage will be on the same historic level.
In 1 Timothy 2:1, the Apostle Paul instructed Timothy to pray for leaders in authority. According to Paul,
First of all, then, I urge that supplications, prayers, intercessions and thanksgivings be made for all people, for kings and all who are in high positions, that we may lead a peaceful and quiet life, godly and dignified in every way. This is good, and it is pleasing in the sight of God our Savior.
The command to pray for leaders is an appeal to pray for leaders, who in Paul’s time were avowed enemies of Christ and his church. Still, despite their hostility to the burgeoning Christian movement, Paul says that government is a gift from God meant for our good, and that Christians should pray for government officials’ betterment and their wisdom; that they’d execute justice accurately and indiscriminately. So we must.
As Christians prepare for the April oral arguments and a late June decision, we should remember the essential truths of marriage: It is an institution embedded into the created order that unites men and women into husbands and wives that they might become fathers and mothers. At the same time, marriage is a shadow or icon that depicts the truest reality of the cosmos: Jesus Christ’s death and resurrection that secures for him, his own bride—the church.
The outcome of this decision will shape the landscape of the church’s ministry in the United States for generations to come; and it will have significant consequences on the future of religious liberty.
We are inviting you to join other organizations and churches that will set aside time on the morning of April 28 at 10 a.m. EDT to appeal to God to preserve marriage in our land. You can help us spread the word by changing the avatar on your social media accounts and posting with the hashtag #PrayForMarriage.
Here’s a sample prayer guide:

• God designed marriage as a way to prosper creation and to reflect his gospel (Gen. 2; Rom. 13; Eph. 5). Pray that all people, including governing authorities, would honor the institution of marriage.
• God can turn the hearts and minds of the justices to do his will (Prov. 21:1). Pray for the Supreme Court justices, that they would be receptive to the arguments being made passionately before them.
• God can guide the mind and speech (Exod. 4:11-12). Pray for lead attorneys who will be arguing on behalf of the states seeking to uphold marriage. Ask God to give them clarity and wisdom, for their arguments to be persuasive, and for God to give them favor before the justices.
• God can give understanding to make sound decisions (Prov. 2:6-8). Pray for those who disagree with us, that God would help them understand and respect the opinions of those whose definition of marriage is grounded in the biblical witness.
• God is sovereign (Gen. 50:20). We ought to pray and hope for the best but plan for what Justice Scalia predicted in 2013: “As far as this Court is concerned, no one should be fooled; it is just a matter of listening and waiting for the other shoe.” Even in the event of a bad decision, marriage will always be what marriage truly is.

As faithful Christians, whatever comes when the final decision is handed down in June, we’ll insist, like we’ve said countless times before in every generation, that no Court or Constitution can define what doesn’t belong to it.
Whatever the Court rules, the church must be prepared, as it did in its infancy, to work among the cultural ruins to reaffirm our commitment to the value and immutability of marriage.  
Resources to further understand the theological and social significance of marriage:

• Russell Moore’s booklet Same-Sex Marriage and the Future
• Russell Moore’s blog post “Same-Sex Marriage and the Future”
• Russell Moore’s “How Should Same-Sex Marriage Change the Church’s Witness?”
• Andrew Walker’s “An Evangelical Defense of Traditional Marriage”
• Andrew Walker’s “Supreme Court to Hear Same-Sex Marriage Cases: How Should Christians Respond?”
• Andrew Walker “Should the Church Get Out of the Marriage Business?”

Dr. Moore is the Dean of the School of Theology and Senior Vice-President for Academic Administration at The Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. He also serves as a preaching pastor at Highview Baptist Church, where he ministers weekly at the congregation’s Fegenbush location. Moore is the author of several books, including "The Kingdom of Christ," "Adopted for Life," and "Tempted and Tried." More from Russell Moore or visit Russell at http://russellmoore.com

7 Things You May Not Know but You Need to Know About Your Wife

By Ron Edmondson

Guys, can I be honest with you? Marriage can be hard.

Did you know that already?
Sometimes you do the wrong thing before you even knew you did the wrong thing. You try to figure out the one you love the most, but the more you try the more confused you get. I get it. I understand.
Men and women are different. (You can tweet that.)
We don’t always think and respond to life the same way.
And likely there are some things about your wife you just didn’t know.
Over the years, through counseling training and actual counseling—and learning from my wife—I’ve observed some things. And I’ve realized some men simply don’t know them—or don’t realize how important they are to their wife.

Here are seven things you may not know but you need to know about your wife:

You step on her feelings more than you know.
You just do. And you don’t even mean to—or know that you are most of the time. She may think you do, but you don’t. You’re just not as aware of how she’s wired emotionally. And most of the time she overlooks it. She knows it wasn’t intentional. But it hurts. And the more you do it the more it hurts. So be careful with your words.
And that leads to the next one.
Your words are heavier than you think they are.
You need to know that. When she asks you how she looks, for example—yes it is a quandary on how to respond and there are plenty of jokes around about that dilemma—but your response matters. Probably more than any other response of her day. It’s a small question to you but big question for her. And you communicate things to her continually through how you say what you say and the body language you combine with your words. And they weigh a ton to her. A ton.
She wants you to take the lead.
At least occasionally. I know all the women’s rights issues cloud this for you. It can be confusing, but there’s likely something in your wife just waiting for you to make a decision. She values your input and she wants you to lead in the home as well as she sees that you can lead elsewhere. And, speaking on behalf of men, I know you don’t always want to be the leader. She’s better at making many of the decisions than you are. Still, she’s waiting—hoping that you’ll step up where you need to lead.
She doesn’t want to be like her mother.
Or to be compared to her mother. And these type of jokes aren’t funny. Ever. Trust me. And, in fact, she doesn’t want to be like any other woman either. She wants to be seen for the unique wonder she is—which, by the way, was God-designed.
She is likely with you even when she’s not.
At least in her mind. Our wives are very relational. So if she asks about your calendar—now you know. She’s not trying to be difficult or suspicious. She’s trying to be with the one she loves.
It’s OK just to hold her hand.
And, also, to occasionally be romantic. You may have established a long time ago that you’re not the romantic type. She may realize she married funny—or serious—or dedicated—more than romantic. But every woman needs a little romance occasionally. It makes her feel special—especially when it comes from you.
The way her world looks is often how her heart feels.
All her world. The house, for example, you think it doesn’t matter, but to her it reflects her—not you. She’s also conscious of what others think of her appearance. She carries this burden heavier than she wants to sometimes. Don’t diminish this to her. Understand it.
In a future post, I’ll share the companion post for wives to understand.  

Ron Edmondson is a pastor and church leader passionate about planting churches, helping established churches thrive, and assisting pastors and those in ministry think through leadership, strategy and life. Ron has over 20 years business experience, mostly as a self-employed business owner, and he's been helping church grow vocationally for over 10 years. More from Ron Edmondson or visit Ron at http://www.ronedmondson.com/

7 Ways Extroverts Can Better Engage Introverts

By Ron Edmondson

I write a lot about introversion, because I’m an introvert.

Introversion is a personality preference, based on the way a person has been shaped by experiences and life.
In very broad terms, it means we are fueled more by our inner thoughts and reflections than a by social engagements and interactions with others. Alone time fuels us. Our idea of “fun” might be reading a book in a room — or field — all by ourselves. (Hence the picture with this post.)
It’s not that we don’t like people. You can read some of my other posts about that. It’s that if we had a preference of how to use our free time, many times we would spend it in quieter or more controllable environments.
Chances are you have lots of introverts on your team, in your church, your workplace, as your customers — even in your family. You’ll even find some people who appear very extroverted to be introverts. (Like many pastors I know — it seems especially in larger churches.)
I will often get requests to write about extroversion — specifically how extroverts can better understand introverts. (Extroverted people are seldom shy about asking for what they want!)
This is generalized. No two introverts are the same just like no two extroverts are the same. Just like no two people — period — are the same. We are all uniquely made by our Creator! And, that’s intentional on His part!
But, this is an attempt to help you understand some of the introverts in your world. And, if you want clarification if it applies to them — simply ask. We can express ourselves — often quite eloquently.

Here are 7 ways that extroverts can better engage introverts:

Give us advance warning – Don’t put us on the spot for an answer or opinion. We have one, but often need time to formulate our thoughts. If you want our best answer, then you’re best not to demand it immediately from an introvert.
Don’t assume we don’t have an opinion – We do — and it may even be the best one — but we are less likely to share it surrounded by people who are always quick to have something to say and tend to control the conversation.
Don’t assume we are unfriendly or anti-social - We may not be talking, but that doesn’t mean we do not love people or that we don’t want to communicate with them. The opposite is probably more true. We just prefer to do it in less extroverted ways. Plus, we talk one at a time, so if there’s someone always talking, we may not get a chance — or take the opportunity.
Give us time to form the relationship – Introverts don’t usually form relationships quickly. We may appear harder to get to know, but when we do connect, we are loyal friends with deep, intimate connections. And we can actually be quite fun — even silly at times — once you get to know us.
Allow us time alone - All of us need personal time, but we require even more time alone than an extrovert usually does. We energize during these times — not just relax — and there’s a huge difference.
Don’t expect us to always love or get excited about extroverted activities – The social activities where you get to meet all the cool people you do not know — yea — that’s not always our idea of fun. It may even be a little scary. It might make us nervous at the thought of it. We’ll find excuses not to go, even if we know we need the experience or will have fun once we do them.(Cheryl helps me so much with this one. She stays by my side until I acclimate to the room. And, that’s usually what it takes for the introvert to really enjoy these type settings.)
Allow us to use written communication when available - We often prefer email or text over phone calls. We are usually more engaging when we can write out our thoughts ahead of time.
Are you an introvert?  What would you add to my list?  

Ron Edmondson is a pastor and church leader passionate about planting churches, helping established churches thrive, and assisting pastors and those in ministry think through leadership, strategy and life. Ron has over 20 years business experience, mostly as a self-employed business owner, and he's been helping church grow vocationally for over 10 years. More from Ron Edmondson or visit Ron at http://www.ronedmondson.com/

The Most Important Thing My Parents Did

By Tim Challies

I grew up in a church culture, a catechizing culture, and a family worship culture. Each of these was a tremendous, immeasurable blessing, I am sure. I am convinced that twice-each-Sunday services, and memorizing the catechisms, and worshiping as a family marked me deeply. I doubt I will ever forget that my only comfort in life and death is that I am not my own, but belong in body and soul, both in life and death, to my faithful Savior Jesus Christ, or that the chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy him forever. I can still sing many of the psalms and hymns of my youth, and I have precious memories of my family bowing our heads around the kitchen table.
What was true of my family was true of many of my friends’ families. They, too, grew up around churches and catechisms and rigid family devotions. In fact, in all the times I visited their homes, I don’t think I ever witnessed a family skip over their devotions. It was the custom, it was the expectation, and it was good. Our church had near 100% attendance on Sunday morning and near 100% attendance on Sunday evening. It was just what we did.
But despite all of the advantages, many of the people I befriended as a child have since left the faith. Some have sprinted away, but many more have simply meandered away, so that an occasionally missed Sunday eventually became a missed month and a missed year. Not all of them, of course. Many are now fine believers, who are serving in their churches and even leading them. But a lot—too many—are gone.
Why? I ask the question from time-to-time. Why are all five of my parents’ kids following the Lord, while so many of our friends and their families are not? Obviously I have no ability to peer into God’s sovereignty and come to any firm conclusions. But as I think back, I can think of one great difference between my home and my friends’ homes—at least the homes of my friends who have since walked away from the Lord and his church. Though it is not universally true, it is generally true. Here’s the difference: I saw my parents living out their faith even when I wasn’t supposed to be watching.

I had the rock-solid assurance that my parents believed and practiced what they preached.

When I tiptoed down the stairs in the morning, I would find my dad in the family room with his Bible open on his lap. Every time I picked up my mom’s old NIV Study Bible it was a little more wrecked than the time before, I would find a little more ink on the pages, and a few more pieces of tape trying desperately to hold together the worn binding. When life was tough, I heard my parents reason from the Bible and I saw them pray together. They weren’t doing these things for us. They weren’t doing them to be seen. They were doing these things because they loved the Lord and loved to spend time with him, and that spoke volumes to me. I had the rock-solid assurance that my parents believed and practiced what they preached. I knew they actually considered God’s Word trustworthy, because they began every day with it. I knew that they believed God was really there and really listening, because they got alone with him each morning to pray for themselves and for their kids. I saw that their faith was not only formal and public, but also intimate and private.
Here is one thing I learned from my parents: Nothing can take the place of simply living as a Christian in view of my children. No amount of formal theological training, church attendance, or family devotions will make up for a general apathy about the things of the Lord. I can catechize my children all day and every day, but if I have no joy and no delight in the Lord, and if I am not living out my faith, my children will see it and know it.
For all the good things my parents did for me, I believe that the most important was simply living as Christians before me. I don’t think anything shaped or challenged me more than that.  

Tim Challies, a self-employed web designer, is a pioneer in the Christian blogosphere, having one of the most widely read and recognized Christian blogs. He is also editor of Discerning Reader, a site dedicated to offering thoughtful reviews of books that are of interest to Christians. More from Tim Challies or visit Tim at http://www.challies.com/

In Preparation for God

In Preparation for God
(En Español)
The last, great move of the Holy Spirit will be distinguished by men and women who have been prepared by God for God.
We have given ourselves in prayer for revival; we have studied and discovered the Lord's heart for the lost. Without compromising the gospel's basic truths, grace has taught us to make Christ's message relative to our times and needs. For all our preparation, though, we have yet to prepare our hearts for God Himself.
We long to be sent by the Almighty for the sake of some great task – a miracle that turns a city to repentance or some significant act of service. However, the greatest task awaiting the church is not to be sent by God but to actually come to Him.
Indeed, we have assumed a strange role: We think we are the Lord's bodyguards. Armed with the doctrines of our faith, we are set to defend Christ against blasphemy, heresy, or misinformation. Yet in seeking to face and confront the heretics of our age, we have positioned ourselves with our backs toward the Almighty. If we would but turn and glance toward Him, we would see He does not need us to protect Him from man, nor has man ever been a threat to the Most High. Indeed, if we would cease striving, even for a moment, we would find His gaze has never left us. He awaits our undivided love.
As much as our desires for revival and spiritual awakening have come to us from God, these passions are but the beginning of a renewed mind, not the end. At the end of the age, the season of preparation is not for the sake of the harvest, as important as the harvest is; our preparation is for the Lord. The turning of our hearts toward Him must transcend momentary times of need and even our scheduled hour of prayer. It is time to enter the place of undistracted devotion. For it is the constant gaze of the church that draws God's highest pleasure and releases the greatest harvest.
A Simplified Focus
"For I am jealous for you with a godly jealousy; for I betrothed you to one husband, so that to Christ I might present you as a pure virgin. But I am afraid that, as the serpent deceived Eve by his craftiness, your minds will be led astray from the simplicity and purity of devotion to Christ" (2 Cor. 11:2-3).
Over the years we have developed a host of programs, outreaches and ministries all designed to bring people into church and make them better Christians. A number of these efforts the Lord has blessed; some He has accommodated and used; while still others, in truth, He has simply ignored.
However, the closer we draw to the end of the age, the less the church will be able to depend upon anything other than Christ Himself. Even now the anointing upon our myriad activities and programs is quietly diminishing. In spite of the multiplicity of our ideas, before Jesus returns the church will know simply and unequivocally: there is no substitute for God.
As the day of the Lord approaches, the Holy Spirit will increasingly refine our focus and lift our attention to our greatest purpose: the revelation of Christ within us. It is the fruit of Christ revealed through the church that the great, end-time harvest is timed.

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