Senin, 11 Juli 2016

The Most Important Shape in Marriage

The Most Important Shape in Marriage

wedding-ringsby John McGee
Have you ever wondered what is the most important shape in marriage? Chances are, you probably hadn’t considered it before you read the title of this article.
For a number of years, I have worked with thousands of couples who are preparing for marriage, starting a marriage, and many who have been married longer than I have been alive. I have seen just about every kind of marriage story imaginable. I’ve noticed that the couples who are doing well, or who have recently turned a corner in their relationship, have all integrated this shape into their marriage.
What is this game-changing shape? It’s a circle. How big does it need to be? Only about 18 inches – just big enough for you to stand inside.
If you want to have a great marriage, draw a circle around yourself and change the person inside the circle.
This is what Jesus was talking about in Matthew 7:3-5. Even though we are keenly aware of the faults of others, in any conflict we must start with ourselves.
It’s interesting how we tend to spend so much energy on people we can’t change, and very little energy changing the one person over whom we have complete control – ourselves. Why do we spend so much time and energy trying to fix and change our spouse and so little time to ourselves? My hunch is that it’s because working on you is hard – really hard.
It’s hard to change the way you communicate if you feel your spouse won’t do the same. It’s hard to initiate love and respect when they don’t seem to be reciprocating the same care for you. It’s hard to ask for forgiveness for your part in the conflict, when you feel the dispute was 95 percent their fault.
Responding to an amazing spouse is easy – being one is difficult.
I’ve seen couples who have started and finished their 60-year marriage journey still in love. I’ve also had the deep joy of seeing divorce papers shredded, accompanied by incredible turnaround stories that belong in the same sentence as the lame walking and the blind receiving sight. In each case, rather than focusing on their spouse or waiting for the other person to change, these couples individually gave their best energy to becoming a great spouse – and often times, their partner followed their lead. They each drew a circle around themselves and worked relentlessly on the person inside the circle.
One other thing I’ve noticed is that spouses rarely come to this conclusion and commitment at the same time. Someone has to be the first to initiate. So I’m encouraging you to go first. Draw the circle around yourself, step in, and get to work.

Jumat, 08 Juli 2016

Joy Changes EVERYTHING!

Joy Changes EVERYTHING!

joy
“When we grieve the Spirit, our own joy withers.”
It’s often important to assure despondent Christians that Jesus himself sometimes plumbed the emotional depths. But it’s equally important to guard against the opposite extreme, as if joy were a luxury we could well do without.
Being a man of sorrows was only one side of Jesus’ life. The Spirit dwelt in him without limit (John 3:34), and wherever the Spirit is there is joy (Galatians 5:22). Clearly, too, he found joy in his special relationship with his Father, in whose will he took delight (Psalm 40:8; Hebrews 10:7); and as he approached the end of his ministry, it was the prospect of the joy set before him that strengthened him to endure the cross (Hebrews 12:2). This was not merely the anticipation of joy; it was the joy of anticipation—and it was a key element in the psychology of his obedience.

The Heart of Joy

Peter speaks of a similar joy when he describes believers as “greatly rejoicing” in anticipation of their final salvation (1 Peter 1:6). Indeed, joy is part of the spiritual profile of every Christian.
It has little to do, however, either with our natural temperament or with our personal circumstances. It is the fruit of the Spirit, and it is worth noting that when Paul uses that phrase, he speaks not of “fruits” in the plural, but of “fruit” in the singular. The fruit is one indivisible organic whole, which means that whenever the Spirit comes to live in a human soul the result is love and joy and peace, and all the other graces which the apostle mentions in Galatians 5:22–23. It is one fruit, with many segments. There cannot, therefore, not be joy in a Christian heart. Even its temporary absence is a symptom of some underlying spiritual malady.
On the other hand, the fruit is not produced mechanically, but grows up like the seed which germinated while the farmer slept (Mark 4:27). It is the result of a living relationship with the Holy Spirit. We bear it only if we keep in step with him.
When we grieve the Spirit, our own joy withers.

The Focus of Joy

But not only is the Spirit the one who personally produces this fruit in believers. He produces it by focusing our minds on spiritual things: those very things which the natural man cannot receive (1 Corinthians 2:14). Specifically, he fills our hearts with joy by focusing our minds not on joy itself, but on the majesty of God, the beauty of Christ and the unsearchable riches which are ours in him. Two or three examples must suffice.
First, the case of the Philippian jailer. Having received the gospel, he was filled with joy because he had come to believe in God (Acts 16:34). It’s not clear how narrowly we should take this (presumably in his previous life he had been an idolater, not an atheist), but whatever else is implied in the jailer’s coming to faith, it certainly meant that God had suddenly become utterly real to him—and commonplace though it is, there is no greater joy than the assurance that God is and is for you. To those who have come out of the dark night of atheism, this is the greatest truth of all. “It is a great thing to believe in God,” said the 17th-century Scottish theologian Robert Bruce. It makes the whole universe glow.
Secondly, there is the point which Peter makes in 1 Peter 1:8. He himself had had the privilege of seeing Christ; his readers, however, had not, yet they believed in him and they loved him, and the result was that they rejoiced with an inexpressible and glorious joy (1 Peter 1:8). The same is still true, surely, of believers today. The sheer beauty of his immaculate humanity and majestic deity captivates our hearts, and we draw our very identity from the fact that we are loved by God’s own Son.
Thirdly, we rejoice when we think of the future. Christ will return, and when he returns we will receive in full the inheritance already prepared for us in heaven. This is not something to be pushed to the margins of our Christian lives. It has to be absolutely central, as it was in the life of Christ, who in his closing hours focused his mind on the glory which would follow the completion of his work (John 17:1–5). Indeed, it is so central that when Peter urges us to be ready to witness to Christ at every opportunity, he describes this witness as a defense, not of our faith, but of our hope (1 Peter 3:15). If we bear in mind the close connection between hope and joy, what Peter is really saying is, “Be sure you are always ready to speak up whenever non-Christians ask you to explain the joy that so clearly fills your lives.”

The Overflow of Joy

But does joy really matter? It certainly mattered to the apostle John, who tells us that what drove him to write was his concern that his readers’ joy should be complete (1 John 1:4). We have already seen the link between joy and obedience in the life of our Lord. The same link holds in our own Christian lives. “Holy joy,” wrote Matthew Henry, “is the oil to the wheels of our obedience.” It was this same principle that Jonathan Edwards highlighted when he wrote that God had made our affections the spring of our actions, adding, “The Scriptures speak of holy joy as a great part of true religion.”
This was clearly exemplified in the life of the apostle Paul, the supreme example of “labors more abundant” (2 Corinthians 11:23). Not only does he constantly urge us to rejoice; he exemplifies it himself. He was “always rejoicing” (2 Corinthians 6:10). But he also presents us with another remarkable example of joy in action. When he urges the Corinthians to contribute liberally to the collection for the poor saints in Jerusalem, he invokes the example of the Macedonian churches, whose “overflowing joy” welled up in rich generosity (2 Corinthians 8:2). This is what joy does. It overflows.
William Wordsworth once defined poetry as “the spontaneous overflow of powerful feelings.” However inadequate these words may be as a definition of poetry (Milton’s Paradise Lost was certainly not spontaneous), we have every right to introduce Wordsworth’s language into the vocabulary of the Christian life. Our service is the spontaneous overflow of powerful Christian joy, deeply rooted in union with Christ and sharply focused on the beauty of his gospel. Where there is such joy, there can be no lukewarm-ness. It overflows in spontaneous obedience.

The Strength of Joy

We see the same principle at work in the life of Nehemiah, one of the great action-men of the Old Testament. When the work of rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem had been completed, all the people assembled to hear Ezra read the Book of the Law, but as Ezra read, Nehemiah noticed that the people were weeping (Nehemiah 8:9), and he immediately sensed danger. On a day that was sacred to God, it was utterly inappropriate to be mourning and weeping (Nehemiah 8:9). He then gave a remarkable instruction: “Go and enjoy choice food and sweet drinks, and send some to those who have nothing prepared”—and to that instruction he appended a memorable statement of principle, “Do not grieve, for the joy of the Lord is your strength” (Nehemiah 8:10).
The terrifying corollary to this is that without joy we are impotent, like Samson shorn of his strength, and this has huge implications for every pastoral and preaching ministry. How can we equip the saints for works of service? We are in grave danger of falling into the patterns of the secular world and its obsession with special courses, training-programs, consultants and even boot-camps; and when all else fails, simply off-loading huge burdens of guilt onto demoralized congregations, whose commitment never seems to match our expectations.
But if Paul is to be believed, the task of motivating and equipping Christians for service is neither more nor less than the ordinary, stated work of pastor-teachers; and if Nehemiah is to be believed, the primary way to achieve that object is by filling their hearts with joy; which in turn means filling their minds with constant reminders of the breadth and depth and length and height of the love of Christ (Ephesians 3:18–19).
Sorrow, especially for our own sin, has its place. But it is not our strength. That lies in the joy of forgiveness.

Senin, 04 Juli 2016

Are Your Couples Ready to Wed?

Are Your Couples Ready to Wed?

first-steps-as-a-couple
by Ted Cunningham
Justin and Jocelyn married young. When I heard of their engagement, my immediate response was, “Congratulations! Amy and I are so excited for both of you.” A few months later, Justin told me, “You were one of very few people excited for us. Everyone else seemed concerned and worried about us getting married in our early twenties.” This couple knew marriage was right around the corner, and they earnestly sought support from family and friends.
Bill and Margaret met at church in a senior adult class. Both lost spouses the year before and were still mourning their deaths. They attended church together, shared meals together, and decided to marry. The engagement was met with mixed emotions by their children and grandchildren. They too desired the support and blessing of their church and family.
What is one way the church can help Justin, Jocelyn, Bill, and Margaret? Is it possible to prepare them for marriage in a way that their church, family, and friends can say, “God is in this, and we are for this?”
Premarital counseling is required for all couples marrying at our church. Young and old alike, we want couples to prioritize premarital counseling under the authority of the church. We believe every marriage is a duet in need of great backup singers. Our church desires to sing backup for the budding love of the couples all around us.
You would think some couples would resist this, but I have yet to experience someone frustrated with our requirement for premarital counseling. Just the opposite is true. Soon-to-be brides and grooms show appreciation for a church that takes the time to make sure they start well, enjoy marriage, and stay together until either one lays the other in the arms of Jesus, or the Lord returns.
Most of our premarital sessions feel like we’re reading from a script. When I say, “My job is to see if I can keep the two of you from marrying,” that usually breaks the ice with a little laughter. Good premarital counseling removes the obstacles and barriers to a thriving marriage.
When a church takes seriously preparing couples for marriage, the benefits are many:
  1. Premarital counseling increases the marriage rate of the church. Regular weddings under the biblical authority and biblical community of the church are a sign of health.
  2. Premarital counseling establishes a plumb line for the couple to go back to when trials and conflict enter the marriage.
  3. Premarital counseling is a signal to family and friends that says, “We take our marriage seriously.”
  4. Premarital counseling gives each spouse the opportunity to inspect one another’s character. Great marriages flow from character, which creates compatibility.
  5. Premarital counseling staves off disaster. Every now and then the church must tell a couple, “You are not ready for marriage.” Sad to say, but many couples will leave the counseling office upon such news and find someone else to marry them. As a church leader, emphasize your love and concern for them and their future. Help them fill in the gaps in their character. A healthy premarital counseling program should have brides and grooms placing faith in Jesus for the first time.
  6. Premarital counseling brings harmony to the duets forming in the church, whereas much in the culture is leading them off-key.
Pastor, counselor, Bible study leader, elder, or deacon, take the time to sit down with couples, and prepare them for marriage. Be an objective voice that helps couples discern motives and priorities in marriage. If a couple resists your help, don’t give up. Rejection of premarital counseling or advice from elders is often a sign of arrogance, a lack of character, or both.
Marriage is a sacred covenant that is a legal, public, and binding agreement. Just as you wouldn’t sign on the dotted line if you knew the car salesman was shady, you most definitely shouldn’t sign if you think the one you are marrying is hollow in character. Marriage is a lifetime. The church has the unique opportunity to prepare couples for marriage before and after the big day.
Maybe you’ve heard something along these lines after a marriage sermon, conference or counseling session, “I wish we would have heard this early in our marriage. It would have saved us unnecessary grief.” That is the power of preparation. It not only can prevent disaster, but it can also make what seems intolerable a little more possible.
Blessings on your church and leadership as you sing backup to many new duets.

Romantic Comedy: No Laughing Matter

Romantic Comedy: No Laughing Matter

by Mary A. Kassian

Romantic comedies — commonly referred to as chick flicks and rom coms — entertain audiences with fun, lighthearted humor. The plotlines follow the stereotypical "boy meets girl, boy loses girl, boy gets girl back again" sequence. Fairy-tale-style, happily-ever-after resolutions are practically mandatory.
Chick flicks are steeped in the message that "true love" does exist, offering a young girl hope that there's someone out there just for her. These films imply that she can be the leading lady in a romantic tale, overcoming all obstacles to get what she wants. And therein lies the attraction.
Although these movies are entertaining, and oftentimes inspirational, romantic comedies paint an unrealistic picture of love. Chick flicks give girls the notion that a strong feeling of physical attraction is the primary indicator that a person is in love. According to romantic comedies, infatuation equals love. And therein lies the problem.
Romance education
Bill Johnson, a Hollywood scriptwriter, explains that romantic comedies offer a sense of what is sophisticated and current about romance. They serve as both a "herald of change and a subtle instigator of change," Johnson says. Rom coms present "fresh" ideas that come across as the latest (and most effective) means of attaining relationship success. The stories not only entertain; they define what a girl should want and how she can get it.
Shifts in the storyline
Historically, chick flicks inspired viewers to cling to the hope of finding romance in their own lives; over the years the message has shifted. Today's rom coms champion sex outside of marriage. They push the idea that romantic feelings will naturally lead to sex — usually right after the first kiss.
This message is problematic for Christian teens because it blatantly promotes behavior that contradicts biblical standards. Equally as troubling is a more recent rom-com storyline that having casual sex is the prerequisite to finding true love.
That's the message of No Strings Attached and Friends With Benefits. Both films were 2011 nominees for Teen Choice Awards — an annual awards show that honors the year's biggest movies and actors, as voted on by teens ages 13-19. These movies suggest that sex is the initial step in a relationship, rather than an intermediate or consummating step.
Dealing with the chick flick
Does your daughter understand the difference between Hollywood's messages and God's design for true love? Here are a few suggestions for helping her grapple with the unhealthy messages presented in romantic comedies:
1. Counter the illusion with reality. Statistics don't support the idea that the Hollywood model of romance produces success in relationships. Research indicates that premarital sex decreases the chance of having a successful and satisfying marriage. In addition, premarital sex has been linked to emotional risks in teens such as heartache, stress and depression. (For more on this topic, visit: http://www.thrivingfamily.com/Family/Stages/Teen%20Phases/2011/sex-talk.aspx.)
2. Talk about God's plan for sex and marriage. God created sex and marriage to represent the truth that covenant comes before union. Sex seals the deal of a marriage covenant and should not take place outside of that context (Hebrews 13:4). The order is important — marriage comes before sex.
3. Define true love. Love may involve romantic feelings, but its sum is far greater than that. True love is based on sacrifice and commitment (1 Corinthians 13). It's a choice of will, not a whim of emotion. Point your daughter to Scripture as her guide for defining true love.
4. Model discernment. Ask your daughter, "What is this movie really saying?" Help her analyze the underlying message by cutting through the emotional appeal and getting to the core ideology. It's also important to help her discern if the movie and message should have been avoided altogether.
While finding true love is the desire of most teen girls, the lives of untold numbers demonstrate that following the plotlines of modern-day romantic comedies can lead to disappointment and pain. Chick flicks come across as light and funny, but their potential impact on real life is no laughing matter.
Mary Kassian is professor of women's studies at Southern Baptist Seminary and the author of Girls Gone Wise in a World Gone Wild.

Copyright © 2012 by Mary A. Kassian. Used by permission. ThrivingFamily.com.

To Know and Be Known

To Know and Be Known






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married couple back-to-back but smiling
In a counseling session with Jeremy and Rachel, one would blame the other, and the other would fire right back. This particular match was about "his irresponsibility," as Rachel termed it.
"What do you mean?" I asked.
"He always lets me down," she said. "Every time I depend on him, he doesn't follow through, and I am left with some situation that is awful and I have to clean up the mess. He keeps doing it over and over."
The "situation" she was referring to this time was kind of a big one. Jeremy had forgotten to pay the electric bill, and the lights had literally gone out. She was not happy.
Jeremy was at no loss for a retort. "I do a thousand things right, and all you focus on is the one thing I forget," he said. "There is no winning with you. I provide for you, I take care of you, and I'm there for the kids, and one thing goes wrong and that's all you see." He had about the same level of anger as she did. They went on, pointing fingers at each other with phrases that usually began with "but you" or "that's because you." Each saw the other as the one who was causing the problems. I saw that this blame game was going nowhere, so I interrupted.
"Rachel, stop for a second. What are you feeling?"
"I feel like he is just so irresponsible and doesn't care. . . ."
"Stop." I said. "I feel like he is not a feeling. What is it that you feel when the lights go out?"
"I feel like he should . . ."
"Stop! I feel like he should is not a feeling, either. What are you feeling? Just stop for a second and see what it is you are really feeling when that happens."
"Well," she said, "I guess I feel angry."
"Nope," I answered. "You stay angry a lot to avoid what you are really feeling. You erupt in instant anger, and that is a reaction, not a feeling. If you were not angry, what would you be feeling? You get angry to keep from feeling something else. What is it?"
"I don't know," she said.
"Well, just sit with it. Let's see."
In a flash, her chin began to quiver and tremble. It became difficult to talk.
"What?" I asked.
"It's just like it was," she said, beginning to sob with the words. "It's just like it always was." As she spoke, her words gave in to sobbing, and she could barely speak.
"Tell me," I prodded.
Rachel then recounted how what was happening was just like what she had experienced a thousand times in a thousand ways while she was growing up. Her mother was bipolar, and her father was an alcoholic. She was used to the "lights going out." In a home filled with chaos because her parents often failed to show up for meals, parent-teacher conferences, sporting events and many other areas of parental responsibility, she was used to being disappointed.
As she went on, she began to sob more deeply. As she did, something happened with Jeremy. His entire countenance changed, as did his posture toward her. He scooted down the couch toward her and reached out his arms and held her while she cried.
"I never knew I made you feel like that," he said. "I am so, so sorry. I never knew."

Vulnerability and love

From there we began to unravel the mess that Jeremy and Rachel found themselves in. He would make some blunder, forgetting to follow through on something he had promised he would do. She would react with anger at him for being "irresponsible," and he would react at her for being so "controlling" and not seeing what he did right. She felt justifiably enraged; he felt unjustly accused.
The cycle was interrupted by one thing — what I have come to see as one of the most important things in any relationship: vulnerability. It took my interrupting Rachel's anger to get to the vulnerability underneath, but when her heart opened up, the most powerful force in the universe was set forth: love. When she began to show how vulnerable she was, Jeremy responded with love. As soon as she stopped being angry, powerful and judgmental, he was empowered by empathy and began to move toward that vulnerability with love.
Here is the key: A marriage is built on trust, and vulnerability is required for trust to do its work.
It is interesting that when Jesus was asked about divorce (Matthew 19), His answer revealed the reason Moses had permitted divorce — hardheartedness. When people hurt each other, if their hearts can get back to a soft place, a hurt relationship can be restored. The problem is that when people hurt each other, they often seek to protect themselves from further wounds by hardening their hearts. This makes connection and trust impossible.
So, the lesson in all of this is to make a covenant with each other that you will not harden your hearts. Never hold on to old wounds or be closed to working out your disagreements. Get vulnerable again.

Boundaries

Having a soft heart does not mean that someone remains open and vulnerable to abuse, attack, unfaithfulness or addictive destruction. Those require strong boundaries. Boundaries are ways of limiting danger and hurt when another person is in denial and not owning his or her side of the problem. Everyone needs that kind of protection.
Boundaries and limits are not the same as hardheartedness. A hard heart is one that has moved past feeling and refuses or is unable to be open when it is safe to do so. A soft heart offers forgiveness and openness and desires to work through the hurt of a conflict.
So, in your marriage, work on becoming able to do what Rachel did. She calmed her anger and began expressing her vulnerability, the hurt underneath. And that opened the door for Jeremy, as well. When couples are angry at each other, they are assuming a position of power, not vulnerability. It took a third party in the room to defuse the anger and get Rachel and Jeremy to a vulnerable, softhearted place.
I would suggest that you and your spouse talk with each other about vulnerability. Talk about when it is difficult for you to be open — which painful situations seem to close the doors of your hearts. A closed heart will look for comfort somewhere else, either in aloneness, an addiction, an affair, work or hobbies. So keep your hearts open to each other.

An uncooperative spouse

Some of you are asking, "What if my spouse is not open to that conversation? What if my spouse won't be vulnerable?" Good questions. The answer is for you to do two things. First, avoid a hard heart that refuses to be loving or open to working out issues. You can do that by being honest about your pain and allowing others to help you with it. You can also set boundaries to avoid further hurt or abuse.
Second, be clear about your expectations for your spouse. He or she must be willing to own his or her destructive behavior, express remorse for it and acknowledge an understanding of how that behavior is affecting you. Your spouse must then commit to a process to do things differently. That is basic confession and repentance. It keeps a relationship moving forward and involves a soft heart on both sides.
If your spouse does not get to that kind of softheartedness, you can still do the two things mentioned: set boundaries with an open heart and require a change in behavior before trusting again. That is a stance you can sustain, as it does not invite or allow future injury, but names the hurtful behavior for what it is while being open to reconciliation.
Hearts become hard because of hurt and sinfulness. We sometimes close down to one another because we have been wounded or because our spouse touches on an old wound that has not yet healed. That is normal. But we are called to deal with that and not allow it to turn to bitterness. We also close down because we rebel against God's requirement for us to humble ourselves and forgive others as He has forgiven us. If we keep our hearts soft, strong and protected, it will serve our marriages well.
Dr. Henry Cloud is the author of Never Go Back: 10 things you'll never do again.
This article appeared in the August/September 2015 issue of Thriving Family magazine.
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A Shocking Humility

A Shocking Humility

Jesus washing the feet of disciples
by Jamaal Williams
Have you ever met someone who possessed humility to the degree that it shocked you? You know, that person you talk to who, after 20 minutes of conversation, has managed to keep you talking. Or the person you’ve known for a while who never shared with you their credentials, and you know that they didn’t do so because it’s not a big deal to them. If you’ve ever met a person who exudes genuine community then you know it’s a great feeling to be in their presence.
In a world full of self-promotion where narcissistic behavior has become the norm, meeting people who live their life to show off God and honor others above themselves is truly refreshing. Recently, I had a pastor speak to a group of our church’s core leaders, and after experiencing his ministry for the day, it had me re-evaluate whether or not I exuded humility and lead with it. Being around him was refreshing. He wasn’t looking for opportunities to name drop or sneak in his accomplishments and successes. He was simply there to serve and steward the opportunity to the best of his ability.
Could you imagine experiencing the ministry of Jesus for three and half years like the apostles? To see a man preach like no people had ever heard, heal like no one had ever done. Best of all, after He did these great works He was always the most selfless and humble person in the room! It should absolutely astonish us that while the disciples often walked and argued over who the greatest in the Kingdom would be, the greatest Person in the universe patiently listened and pastored their hearts.
Jesus never had a prideful thought, look, or moment in His thirty-three years of ministry. Can you imagine the intimidation the Pharisees felt when they saw Him minister and heard Him speak for the glory of God? Even as Jesus confronted them with strong language, He did it in such a way that it exuded a righteous anger not a self-righteous one. If we’re going to possess a shocking humility we have to consider these few things:
First, humility comes from having the proper view of who we are in light of who God is.
Too often we compare ourselves and our ministries to other pastors. Shocking humility recognizes that at the end of the day we all are but “decorated dust.” From the dust we came, and to the dust we all will return. If we’re going to pursue humility it must be with our eyes on heaven, not on other people. When Jesus is my standard my boasting will never have a place.
Second, we must remind ourselves that every gift we have is from God.
When we lose sight of God’s grace we begin to think that we are great. In 1 Corinthians 4:6-8, Paul reminded the church of Corinth that everything they have is from God, and since that is the case, they could not boast. Can we boast of receiving a gift that we didn’t deserve and don’t own? Well certainly we can, but, to do so simply doesn’t make sense!
Third, remember what is celebrated in God’s Kingdom.
In the Kingdom of man, being a celebrity or a star is important, however, in the Kingdom of God, being a servant is. Jesus came to earth and taught us how to live and how to influence people to turn from the darkness to light. What drew people more than anything else was the fact that He was a willing and faith-filled servant. Philippians 2:5-11 reminds us of how shocking Christ’s humility was; He willingly gave up His status and life for sinners like you and me. Jesus is our model servant, but He is also our power and motivation to serve others.
Copyright © 2015 by Jamaal Williams. Used by permission.
jamaal-williams-2
Jamaal Williams is Pastor of Forest Baptist Church in Louisville, Ky. He is a native of Chicago, IL. Jamaal received his bachelor’s degree from Michigan State University where he served as president of Intervarsity Christian Fellowship’s black chapter. He has the M.A in Church Ministries and is currently pursuing a D.Ed. Min in Black Church Leadership from the Southern Baptist Theological Seminary. Jamaal serves on the Southern Baptist Convention’s Ethics and Religious Liberty Commission Leadership Council. He is married to Amber, and they are the parents of Nia, Kayla, and Josiah.

What Your Communication Says About Marriage

What Your Communication Says About Marriage






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Husband and wife seen through a window at a diner
Wavebreak Media/Thinkstock
Just a few years ago, my wife, Melanie, and I had one of the most enjoyable wedding anniversaries ever. We didn't take an extravagant trip or stay in a fancy hotel. We just spent the day together doing routine things, such as running errands and stopping by work for a few minutes. But it was special because we were together.
We ate a late lunch at a fast-food restaurant. The place was almost empty, so we struck up a conversation with the workers there. We told them it was our anniversary and how long we'd been married. That started a conversation about how we stayed married for almost 40 years. We talked and laughed with those young people for several minutes. It wasn't a major event, but we tried to plant a seed by saying some good things about marriage and just enjoying each other's companionship. The interaction that day was a good reminder that ultimately, marriage is bigger than just two people.

Marriage as a witness to others

Melanie and I had a memorable discussion just a day or so after we were married. We were on our honeymoon, sitting in a hamburger joint chatting about our goals and dreams. One thing we agreed on was, "This [marriage] isn't just about us." We talked about our relationship honoring Christ every day of our married lives. We wanted to make sure our marriage would be a witness a clear reflection of God’s covenant and His character — for everyone we would come in contact with. We have tried to maintain that purpose for all these years.
Now, we definitely have our struggles. We know we sometimes act rude toward each other and get on each other's nerves. And we also know that people are watching us — our children and grandchildren, as well as neighbors and people we interact with in public. So we ask ourselves, What are we modeling?
And we're very aware that there's a lot of pessimism today about God's institution of marriage. It's often ridiculed. Divorce is  commonplace. Young people are told that living together is a better alternative. So we try to be models of marriage at its best. For whomever God brings our way, we want to help restore a sense of hope in what marriage is and can be.

Communicating with your spouse in marriage

How a wife and husband communicate with each other tells other people a lot about their relationship. Lately, I have been convicted about my communication habits with Melanie. I'm finding that I need to listen to her more and be smarter about asking her questions. Then I need to let her respond without putting her on the defensive. When something doesn't go well, the way I act often gives her the impression that it's her fault.
What about you? How are you doing in communication with your spouse?
Listening carefully. When life gets busy, it's hard to carve out time to focus on your spouse. Maybe you have one eye on the TV or cell phone. Have you ever noticed your wife or husband stop talking in the middle of a sentence, because she or he can tell you're not really paying attention? It's not a proud moment.
Try asking thoughtful questions. If you need to, think of questions throughout the day and save them for when you're together. Then, really focus on your spouse's response. Listen without an agenda or becoming defensive. Pay attention to tone of voice and other signals. Maybe there's a deeper emotional message underneath the words.
Watching your words. If your spouse is insecure or seeking your approval, he or she might take an offhand comment personally that you didn’t intend as an insult. Be careful with your words and don't underestimate that need for your spouse to be affirmed — a lot — each day.
Do all you can to have the kind of marriage that will be a good example and a witness to others. Your marriage deserves the best of your time and attention, and your continued efforts to improve. Your spouse deserves your best, especially when it comes to communication.
Carey Casey is CEO at the National Center for Fathering, author of Championship Fathering and host of the daily three-minute radio program "Today's Father."