To the Husband who Watches Porn: A Wife’s Perspective

March 15, 2016 by Ashley Willis 16 Comments

Every week, I receive numerous messages from wives who have discovered that their husbands are looking at porn, and it’s heart-breaking.  Porn can wreck a marriage.  I know this pain, because I, too, have walked through it in my own marriage.

Early in our marriage, I logged into our computer and discovered that Dave had been looking at porn.  I couldn’t believe what I saw.  My heart was beating out of my chest, and I seriously thought that somebody had broken into our home and surfed the web for porn.  Not Dave.  Not my Dave.  We had a great marriage–at least I thought we did.
All I could think was,
How could he do this to me? To us?  
Am I not enough for him?  Am I not pretty/skinny/sexy enough?
Doesn’t he know this is wrong?  
Didn’t he know this would hurt me?
I took an hour or so to process what I eventually realized and accepted as the truth: Dave had been looking at porn for awhile.  He had a porn addiction.  My Dave.  My husband.  My hero.
I knew I had to address it.  I called him at work and simply asked if he had something to tell me.  He immediately confessed to the porn.  It was like he’d been waiting for me to find out.  He told me that he was glad it was out in the open now, and he knew it was wrong.
I would love to tell you that the days that followed were easy, but they weren’t.  I was so hurt.  I felt ugly and unwanted.  I could tell that Dave felt horrible about it.  He wanted to stop doing this a long time ago, but he said he just couldn’t stop through his own willpower.
As a Christian, he understood that he was lusting after the women in those images.  He knew what Jesus stated so clearly in the Bible, that to lust at a woman is committing adultery in your heart.  It goes directly against our marriage vows.
Dave knew this, and yet, he struggled with it.  For more on Dave’s story, please read his blog post below.
Husbands, I share this with you, not to point fingers or make you feel bad.  I share this because I want you to know what your porn habit does to your wife.  
It breaks her heart. It makes her feel like you cheated on her.  It makes her doubt her beauty and sexual appeal.  It causes her to have a deep insecurity with your marriage.  It causes her anxiety and even depression.  It makes her feel cheap, and she sees you as sleazy.  It fractures the trust she has in you, and it immediately makes her lose respect for you.
You may tell yourself the lies that so many other husbands in our culture believe.  Lies like,
I’m not hurting anyone.
I’m not actually sleeping with another person, so it’s not cheating.
What’s wrong with me spicing up my sex life?
This is something I do alone, so it doesn’t affect her.
Porn actually enhances my sex life, because it gives me ideas for what we can do in the bedroom.
I’m a grown man, and I can do whatever I want to do.  It’s none of her business.
It’s okay if I look at porn to meet my needs, because she doesn’t want to have sex as frequently as I do.
All of these are excuses that mask a HUGE problem and keep husbands intertwined in a terrible habit that can become a full-blown addiction.
Husbands, if you are looking at porn, please get help and STOP immediately.  Go confess this to you wife.  Don’t hide it any more. Seek God’s forgiveness and your wife’s forgiveness.  
Then, take the steps necessary to regain her trust.  Put accountability in place.  Remove computers or other devices from hidden places.  Get blockage software that will alarm a trusted friend or your wife any time you look up porn on your computer.  Get rid of any television channels that show porn at night.  Be willing to do WHATEVER IT TAKES to beat this and save your marriage.  You can do this if you are willing to put in the work.
You must show your wife that you only have eyes for her.  Show her that you want her and love her with all your heart.  Give her your time and attention daily.
Those porn stars can’t love you back.  Don’t trade the love of your life for a temporary, empty fix.  Go to your wife and talk about your sexual desires and needs.  Listen when she shares hers as well.  Work together on having a God-honoring and sexually satisfying marriage.  Don’t settle for a counterfeit image to fulfill a need that only your wife should meet.  
Porn is never the answer.  It doesn’t spice things up.  It chokes out real intimacy between a husband and wife.
Please know that there is hope.  Dave and I grew stronger through this struggle, and you can too. Be blessed!
For more on how wives can also struggle with porn, please read, “The Truth about Women and Porn,” by clicking here.
For resources on how to beat your porn addiction, check out XXX Church.
For an honest conversation and information on improving your marriage and intimacy, check out our latest video resource, “Best Sex Life Now,” by clicking here.