What’s Different About a Pastor’s Marriage?

What’s Different About a Pastor’s Marriage?

Helpful Articles: Married to a Pastor

By John McGee
You have seen the stats and heard the stories about how difficult marriages can be for those in the pastorate. Have you ever wondered what makes a pastor’s marriage different than the rest of the population? I was recently asked this question by a group of people preparing for ministry and here’s some of what I shared with them.
There are no unique rules for a great marriage. Great marriages are always comprised of things like good communication, fun, intimacy, quality time, humility, and conflict resolution. Pastors know those things because they teach them to others. What I’ve learned is that once you can teach something you can begin to think you are an exception to the rule. Those in ministry are not exempt because they are eloquent or smart, and God hasn’t changed the laws of relationships for them just because they serve Him. When thinking about what makes a pastor’s marriage different, perhaps the most important thing to remember is that the same rules of marriage apply to everyone. If pastors want a great marriage they will need to apply the same advice they give their congregants.
Although I started with the fact that a pastor’s marriage in many ways is not different, there are a few unique aspects I felt they should know as they were preparing for ministry.
Pastors do carry unique pressures. An occupational hazard of ministry can be the emotional weight pastors carry because there is always someone who needs them. Other occupations have pressures of deadlines or the volume of work, but there is something different and emotionally taxing about carrying the pain of others. Pastors encounter unique pressures that can impact their marriage, and they must learn how to deal with them. The answer for everyone will be different, but personally I’ve found that rituals can be helpful. As I drive home I pray through the difficult issues and people I am dealing with. I affirm that God is in control, and that He cares more about the people and situations than I do. I then imagine myself entrusting these people and situations to Him. I also trust that He will help me be present and engaged with my family and pray for energy and focus for my time with them. I told this group preparing for ministry that in every occupation, they would have to learn to balance work and family, but, as a pastor, they would also have to learn to deal with the emotional weight, or it would impact their marriage. I also encouraged them to continually ask their spouse if they were emotionally present at home.
Spouses also have unique challenges. Much has been written to men about how to protect their wives from the demands of the church and how to keep the congregation from feeling like the pastor’s wife is free labor. There is no doubt that a wife who feels she is there simply to support the pastor or be at the beck and call of the congregation will eventually become embittered toward the church and her husband. A wise husband will clearly communicate to the congregation that he is a team with his wife but that he is the only employee. I’ve also noticed that often the wife supports the husband’s ministry but there isn’t always reciprocation. This year one of my goals is to support my wife’s personal ministry. She has always done a great job helping me with my more public ministry but she really loves to encourage others one-on-one. One of my goals this year is to celebrate and support her ministry, which is more private, just as much as she supports my ministry, which is more public. Not realizing the unique pressures on your spouse can negatively impact your marriage but lovingly addressing them can actually be a big win for your marriage.
Your marriage presents a unique opportunity. Personally I love being a pastor and being married. Most days my wife would say the same about being married to a pastor. I love the way we get to pray for and see life change. I love that together we are doing something that will matter in eternity, and I love that our marriage actually impacts others. When my wife and I speak, I am amazed how often people will say something like, “I really appreciated what you said, but my biggest takeaway was watching the way you both related to each other. God convicted me that I need to be kinder and more respectful to my wife (or husband).” While there are many unique challenges of being married and in the ministry, I also think there are many unique opportunities and blessings if you are willing to look for them.
If you haven’t had the conversation with your spouse lately, a good question to discuss on your next date night would be “What do you like about being married and in ministry, and what is difficult?” Their answers will give you some things to celebrate as well as some tangible ways you can help them, serve them, and build oneness in your marriage.
Copyright © 2015 by John McGee. Used by permission.

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John McGee (@JohnMcGee) is the Director of Marriage Ministry and re|engage at Watermark Community Church in Dallas Texas. He is passionate about helping churches prepare, establish, enrich, and restore marriages in their communities.

Studying the Bible as a Married Couple

Studying the Bible as a Married Couple

By Gary Thomas

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Part of the Studying the Bible as a Married Couple Series

1. Studying the Bible as a Married Couple
2. Spiritual Connection: Having a Proverbs 31 Marriage

Series About:

Strengthening Your Marriage

If you look at my old Bible (my wife, Lisa, had it re-covered many years ago for one of my birthdays), you'll see the table of contents has dates written next to various Bible books. Those dates signify when Lisa and I finished reading through that biblical book together.
Bible reading is one aspect of spiritual intimacy that can have an amazing impact on a couple's sense of togetherness. I worked on a book with Drs. Steve and Rebecca Wilke, and we wrote, "After decades of working with couples, we can confidently report to you that marital satisfaction is directly linked to spiritual intimacy, both with the Lord and with each other. When individuals are satisfied with God and His plan for their lives, they enjoy all that He has given them. People who are surrendered to the Lord are also more willing to surrender to others, understanding that serving their spouse is really an act of worship to God."
Many marriage books and articles talk about the importance of communication, keeping our sexual intimacy alive and fresh, playing and laughing together, and other issues, but Bible reading rivals all of these in importance. Consider it "listening to God together," because Bible reading is absolutely the best way for us as individuals and couples to listen to God. Whatever the Bible says, God says, and it's amazing how timely God's Word can seem, even when we read it on a schedule. His Holy Spirit has a way of lining up life so that we read just the right passage at the right time.

Conversation Starters

If you're planning a date or a long drive together and you're wondering What if we have nothing to say to each other? consider reading the Bible as one of the best conversation starters. It's not difficult: Choose a book and read! Lisa and I trade off — eight to 12 verses, depending on the section length. You can pause to talk about what you've just read, or if neither has anything to say, just continue reading aloud.
If I'm driving, Lisa may read the entire text while I listen. Sometimes, the passage will seem particularly appropriate to one of us; other times, to both of us. Sometimes it seems to apply more to a friend or family member. What I love about Bible reading is that it opens the door for God to set the agenda for what we talk about, think about and then pray about.

If you feel either of you lacks basic Bible understanding, you might try an additional approach. Lisa and I are big fans of D.A. Carson's For the Love of God devotionals. Dr. Carson gives various readings from the Old and New Testaments and then has a short commentary on one of those passages. He's a brilliant scholar who makes the passages come alive with historic context and makes the Scriptures compelling for today. You could read the assigned biblical texts and then the commentary, together. This may be a lengthier exercise, but this isn't a race. If it takes you two or three years to work through one of the volumes, by the time you're done with both books, perhaps Dr. Carson will have released another.

Helpful Hints

Don't get bogged down thinking something's wrong if you don't have time to read the Bible together every day. If you go from never reading God's Word together to reading it just once or twice a week, that's still a huge improvement. At various times, Lisa and I have both been convicted of the gaps in our practice of doing this together over the course of 30 years of marriage.
If you're married to a somewhat reluctant spouse, make it sound possible by saying, "Look, I'm asking for 20 minutes once or twice a week, and I'll even do the reading." Add in a favorite: "I'll make the coffee/bake the cookies/rub your feet . . ."
Consider starting with a shorter book of the Bible, like 1 John. There's something motivating about "finishing" something new together, and if you start (like Lisa and I did) writing a date in your Bible once you finish reading the book together, it's satisfying to get that first "notch." Then you can move on to a Gospel or something that will take a little longer.
Remember, this isn't a contest, and the last thing you should do is to make it a competition to see who has the best understanding of the passage. You're both reading God's Word to learn, not to show off — and certainly not to judge your spouse's Bible knowledge. This is about building spiritual intimacy, so if you make your spouse feel like an idiot, you'll all but guarantee he or she will never agree to do this again.

Gary Thomas is the author of numerous books on marriage and family life, including his most recent, A Lifelong Love, and the best-seller Sacred Marriage.