Lori Wilhite: The Typical Pastor’s Wife Is Dead

By Lori Wilhite

Provided by

I think the 'typical pastor's wife' is dead. You know, that woman who had it all together and never seemed to struggle.

I think the “typical pastor’s wife” is dead. You know, that woman who had it all together, never seemed to struggle, played the piano, attended every event and met everyone’s expectations … although she could have had some help with her wardrobe.
I’ve heard, read and said “I’m not the typical pastor’s wife” so many times, I’ve started to wonder if she really ever existed at all … or if she really only existed in people’s minds and expectations.
Some ladies say that as a badge of honor. Most, like me, say it with the guilty knowledge that we aren’t measuring up .. .that somehow God messed up when He called us to leadership because we just aren’t “typical.”
We spend mass amounts of time, energy, emotion and effort comparing ourselves to a myth. And the problem is … I fall short. My attention turns to my shortcomings and failings instead of staying focused on God and who He created me to be.
But the truth is God knew exactly what He was doing … exactly who He was calling. He knows my shortcomings and my struggles, and He has extended His call to leadership and ministry anyway.
Maybe “typical” isn’t what I thought … maybe there is a new typical. Maybe I’m typical.
The more I talk to pastors’ wives, the more I realize how alike we are.
Regardless of: Age. Location. Denomination. Church Style. Church Size. I’ve noticed that we all seem to have the same questions. The same struggles. The same difficulties.
We are trying to serve God to the best of our abilities while navigating the challenges of leadership and the pulls of life.
Sure, it looks different for everyone, but we are working it out.
So I think I’m just going to let what I thought was the “typical” pastor’s wife go by the wayside and link arms with other Christian women, who like me, are just doing our best trying to figure life and leadership out.
I’m going to embrace the knowledge that maybe I am typical … a woman wanting to know Jesus, support my husband, love my children, care for our church, wrestle with my own shortcomings, grow in love and grace, keep my head up during the tough times, acknowledge that I won’t be all things to all people, be available to fellow strugglers, and embrace who God made me to be.
I am not prefect. But I may well be typical … and that is fine by me.

Porn Addiction Is Now Threatening an Entire Generation

Porn Addiction Is Now Threatening an Entire Generation

Mainstream researchers are waking up to the real dangers of porn.

image: http://cdn1.relevantmediagroup.com/sites/default/files/styles/node_author/public/user/11015856_10200283609049850_5813313453200368551_n.jpg?itok=AK_icwy_

By Aaron Cline Hanbury

April 12, 2016

Aaron Cline Hanbury is the editorial director for RELEVANT. You can follow him on Twitter at @achanbury

The latest issue of Time Magazine landed on stands yesterday. And, you might have heard, the cover story paints a menacing picture of sex and sexuality among younger Americans. When the story, “Porn and the Threat to Virility,” first appeared online last week, it initiated no small buzz around the Internet, including an unusual teaming of conservative Christian and secular feminist voices characterizing Time’s findings as indicative of a larger, systemic cultural problem.
During the past decade or so, we’ve heard a lot about how viewing pornography affects the human brain. That, apparently, is a relatively controversial claim. Time’s Belinda Luscombe references experts who argue both for and against that idea—and all of whom bemoan a lack of research in the area. Neurological effects aside, Luscombe basically concludes that for a generation of men more or less raised on porn, the law of diminishing returns comes heavily into play—and those effects are leading to a generational health crisis.
She writes:

A growing number of young men are convinced that their [physical, in-person] sexual responses have been sabotaged because their brains were virtually marinated in porn when they were adolescents. Their generation has consumed explicit content in quantities and varieties never before possible, on devices designed to deliver content swiftly and privately, all at an age when their brains were more plastic–more prone to permanent change–than in later life. These young men feel like unwitting guinea pigs in a largely unmonitored decade-long experiment in sexual conditioning. The results of the experiment, they claim, are literally a downer.
So they’re beginning to push back, creating online community groups, smartphone apps and educational videos to help men quit porn. They have started blogs and podcasts and take all the public-speaking gigs they can get. Porn has always faced criticism among the faithful and the feminist. But now, for the first time, some of the most strident alarms are coming from the same demographic as its most enthusiastic customers.

For a generation of men more or less raised on porn, the law of diminishing returns comes heavily into play—and those effects are leading to a generational health crisis.

The men in these online communities and support groups, Luscombe takes pains to reiterate, are not antisex or some kind of emerging asexuals. Just the opposite, in fact. They, at least in theory, like sex, but their addictions to the pornified portrayal of it won’t let them have the real thing. One man told Luscombe, “I just want to enjoy sex again and feel the desire for another person.” Another: “The reason I quit watching porn is to have more sex.” And simply: “Quitting porn is one of the most sex-positive things people can do.”

The Mainstream Backlash

Time’s cover story is reminiscent of a late 2013 article in GQ called “10 Reasons Why You Should Quit Watching Porn.” At least to me, this article came as a little bit of a surprise, given the magazine’s history of love for the conquesting “gentleman.” The article looked at a survey of the Reddit group NoFap (which also figures in prominently to the Time research). GQ warned sexually active men essentially about the same thing the Time piece now warns an entire society about.
In addition to this kind of anecdotal evidence, Luscombe’s article in Time also details some of the statistics surrounding pornography use—she mentions, too, that the academic world seems curiously hesitant to study the phenomenon, which results in relatively scant data. Still, the results she does report are as damning as the testimonies. She cites an “independent Web-tracking company” that counted some 58 million monthly U.S. visitors to adult sites in February 2006. “Ten years later,” Luscombe writes, “the number was 107 million.” She also claims that the website Pornhub reported 2.4 million visitors per hour in 2015 alone. Around the world, people watched a gargantuan 4,392,486,580 hours of porn on the site. According to the Time article, that represents “twice as long as Homo sapiens has spent on earth.”
All this porn watching adds up to an overwhelmingly consistent claim from the consumers themselves: Porn users are saying that what they wanted from porn—the pleasure and fulfillment of sex—they’ve now lost completely.
As revealing as Luscombe’s article is, it may not even be the most indicting porn data in this week’s issue of Time.

Porn users are saying that what they wanted from porn—the pleasure and fulfillment of sex—they’ve now lost completely.

Also in this week’s issue, a small column appears titled “How Porn Is Changing a Generation of Girls” by Peggy Orenstein, the author of a new book, GIRLS & SEX. Her account of the toll of pornography culture on women, particularly young women, might even be more alarming than the cover story. Orenstein writes:

There is some indication that porn has a liberalizing effect: heterosexual male users are more likely than their peers to approve of same-sex marriage. On the other hand, they’re less likely to support affirmative action for women. And porn users are also more likely than their peers to measure their masculinity, social status and self-worth by their ability to score with “hot” women.
Perhaps because it depicts aggression as sexy, porn also seems to desensitize: female porn users are less likely to intervene when seeing another woman being threatened or assaulted and are slower to recognize when they’re in danger themselves.

If we take this issue of Time seriously—and why shouldn’t we?—porn not only robs men of the very thing they want from porn, but it also damages women, the very people it supposedly celebrates.

A Paradoxical Fight

Back in January, the Barna Group published the results of large study on this same pornography culture. The findings confirm and underscore what we’ve known for a while: Porn use is a massive and growing problem, even among Christians. In part, the Barna study reveals that a staggering 57 percent of younger Millennials (ages 18 to 24) seeking out porn at least once or twice a month. Among older Millennials, the number is only slightly better at 43 percent. Gen-Xers and Boomers reported 41 percent and 17 percent respectively.
Perhaps the most dejecting finding of the study is that only half of adults consider viewing porn is wrong (54 percent). In fact, on a list of taboos, respondents said viewing porn ranks number seven on a list of 11. Things like overeating and not recycling ranked higher.
Anyone who has ever struggled with pornography—or helped someone who has—knows the paradoxical nature of it. On the one hand, of course, sexual drive and desires come naturally. On the other hand, these same desires, as the Time piece clearly articulates, can get out of control and lead toward actions that actually make light of sex and hinder sexuality.

A Spiritual Conflict

One of my former professors talks about what he calls “refugees of the sexual revolution.” Well, if these articles are an indication, they’re here. For some, porn culture promised something a browser screen can never deliver, and left them more empty than before. For others, porn culture dictated new norms of beauty and femininity that stripped them of both. And just like refugees from the Middle East, they are looking for a new home. This is where we have to reach out with welcome and a depiction of sex far more compelling than the self-centered digital version.

Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/current/porn-addiction-now-threatening-entire-generation#3KZlab03b1DcuQCF.99

Pastor's Wife, Don't Just Give to the Church

Pastor's Wife, Don't Just Give to the Church

I'm having lots of fun with Facebook Live over on my Facebook page. Last week, I chatted with church planting wives about their most pressing questions, and yesterday answered questions from ministry wives. I hope to do many more of these in the future, so if you want to know when they're happening so you can join in, follow me on Instagram or like my Facebook page to watch for announcements. 

As a pastor's wife, I'm prone to think of church in certain terms, and its mostly about how God has called me to lead and serve in ours. In other words, church to me is very often equated with giving: ministering to people in organic and inorganic ways, being available to those who have questions or needs, listening, asking heartfelt questions, helping make connections, welcoming new folks, counseling, greeting, and answering questions. Although I haven't always been able to say so, I genuinely count the ministry God has given me as an honor and a privilege.

But sometimes I am almost so robotically tuned to "giving" mode that I forget how much I need the ministry of the church myself. I don't mean that I forget I have needs; I'm well aware of them. I mean that I overestimate my importance in the church and underestimate the importance others are intended to have in my life according to God's design for the church. This is a dangerous perspective for any leader in the church.

Because here's what happens. When I wake up on Sunday morning after a busy weekend or with a heavy heart and know deep down that I have nothing in my flesh to give to others, it can be very difficult to prepare my heart and mind for church. Rather going to church with a prayerful expectancy to enjoy the mutual ministry of the Body, I'm prone to self-condemnation because of my weakness, grumbling, and hiding my needs from others. It's a self-protective, just-get-through-church perspective, because it requires me to be strong and to give but never receive.

In recent months, I've been thinking about this as God has done a ton of work in my heart regarding my identity, especially about how I try to identify myself primarily as a pastor's wife and how I try to be important and respected by pleasing people rather than looking to delight my Father. One sweet result of all this is that I've seen a renewed enjoyment of our church and a genuine excitement at how God is using people in our church to minister to others, including to me. I find myself going into church on Sundays with a refueled expectancy and craving to sing corporately, hear the Word proclaimed, remember the Lord's death in communion, see faithful men and women serve with their gifts, and hear stories of how God is working in the lives of other believers. I give and I receive, and I glory in the God who has authored and is sustaining this thing called the church.

I recognize that this change in perspective has occurred because God has done a work in me to help me properly estimate both my role in the church and the impactful ministry of the people around me who are walking in faith in everyday ways. I have so much to learn from them.

Like the ones grieving their loved ones both with real emotions and with a very real hope,
And the ones who are forgiving because they have been forgiven so much,
The ones who are soft to the conviction of God,
The ones who are fighting for purity and living purposefully and faithfully in unwanted singleness,
The ones who are seeking to serve rather than be served,
The ones who are living respectfully and faithfully before unbelieving husbands,
The ones who are loving children--adopted children, biological children, fostered children, special needs children, other people's children--as a blessing from the Lord,
The ones who are using their creative skills to put words to all of our doubts and emotions and yet then call us to faith,
The ones who are seeking to be a blessing in their workplaces,
The ones who are meeting tangible needs for neighbors, friends, and strangers,
The ones who are unafraid to step into the messiness of the lives of others, offering counsel and wisdom,
The ones who are seeking to bring the outsiders in,
The ones who are using their every spare moment to prepare Bible study lessons so that others might know and love the Word,
And the ones who are sharing their redemption stories so that others might know how their own redemption is possible.

These encourage me. They serve me. And oh how I need them! Because in their faithfulness and their ministry, whether directed at me or not, my faith is solidified and strengthened.

The church becomes ever more beautiful to me.

The Power of Story

April 25, 2016

by John McGee
Have you ever seen a $100 bill lying on the ground and kept on walking? Absolutely not. A $100 bill is worth too much not to pick it up and put it in your pocket to spend later.
Stories of God’s goodness are a lot like $100 bills. They have great value, and if captured, can be a tremendous benefit later. However, while we would never walk past a $100 bill, we walk past stories of God’s goodness and power every day. We often forget to capture and share them to our loss and the loss of those that need to hear them.
There is incredible power in sharing stories. Here are four reasons you should be writing them down and sharing them often:
Stories remind us of God’s goodness and power. When we read historical accounts in scripture it reminds us of God’s goodness and power. When we share a story of a marriage restored or a family reconciled, it has the same effect on those who listen. Intellectually and theologically we know that God does miracles and changes lives. When we hear and tell stories of God’s power, we believe and trust God in new ways.
Stories give hope. Many times people feel like no one understands them or has been through what they have. They believe their pain is different than everyone else’s. They believe they have sinned in ways no one else has and have crossed lines they can never get back from. They believe that they have messed up God’s plan “A” and have now been relegated to God’s plan “B.” When we share stories of God’s goodness it gives people hope that they too could experience the same healing, restoration, and goodness of God. Whatever a person is lacking, if they have hope they can generally keep going. Hope is an incredible “X factor,” and I’ve learned never to bet against it. When you share stories, you are dispensing much needed hope.
Stories are great teachers. Good teaching explains and calls for change. Stories illustrate what that change could look like. You can use Scripture to teach your congregation why they should be better parents and give them practical ideas to put it into action, but something happens when you share stories from your own life or the lives of others. If you shared a story about a parent who was wracked by guilt because of something they didn’t do and their kids still turned out okay, everyone listening would better understand how to receive God’s grace and forgiveness and how to trust God in spite of their failures.
Stories cast vision. If you are trying to cast a vision for how God can use your church, there is no better way to do it than with story. Are you trying to highlight the value of evangelism in your congregation? Share a story about someone who came to faith through the friendship of someone in your church. It would communicate more than any two sermons to hear someone share their life before and after Christ and then point to someone in the congregation and say, “Thanks for taking a risk and sharing Christ with me. It changed everything about my life.” As you teach and cast a vision from the scriptures don’t forget to share stories of what the vision looks like in action.
We have all had someone come up to us and say, “I remember two years ago when you shared that story.” They recount how it resonated with them, how they learned from the example, and how they believed or did something differently because of it. Odds are they don’t remember the three brilliant points from your sermon, but two years later they still remember the story and their life is different.
When I am in a setting where stories of God’s goodness and power are being shared, I make sure that I myself or someone else is writing them down. Then I file them away. If someone shares a story, it’s like they have given you a $100 bill. Don’t let it hit the ground. Instead put it in your pocket. The right time will present itself soon enough and you will be able to pull out the story and bless everyone with whom you share it.

Filed Under: Helpful Articles: Ministry Issues

Ammunition for the Fight Against Porn

By Dieudonne Tamfu

Provided by

“Paul addresses this problem by giving the church theological truths that, if embraced, will dethrone all forms of sexual immorality from our hearts.”

Pornography is a multi-billion dollar industry, the largest online. Some statistics suggest that nearly 70 percent of all men ages 18 to 24 view porn at least once a week, which is not to mention the struggle among Gen Xers, and increasingly among women. This is not a light matter. Porn is an outrageous sin against God and his image-bearers, including your own body. But we are not without guidance. Through God’s word, specifically 1 Corinthians 5–7, he shows us how to deal with porn and other sexual sins.
The church of Corinth was tainted by diverse sexual perversions. A man went to bed with his father’s wife, an act that is severely condemned in the Old Testament (Leviticus 18:18; Deuteronomy 22:30; 27:20). Shockingly, the church of Corinth boasted about such practices. They also failed to excommunicate the one who was doing this heinous act. Paul, alarmed by such bragging, says, “Ought you not rather to mourn?” (1 Corinthians 5:2).
Paul addresses this problem by giving the church theological truths that, if embraced, will dethrone all forms of sexual immorality from our hearts. Seven times in 1 Corinthians 5–7 Paul uses the phrase “Do you not know” (1 Corinthians 5:6; 6:2–3, 9, 15–16, 19). Paul clearly assumes that we should already have the knowledge he is about to give us. He also believes that this knowledge will shape and govern our sexuality because of the power these truths contain. Good theology triumphs over biology.

The Needed Ammunition

Paul’s two-fold imperative for the church is to flee sexual immorality and glorify God with your body (1 Corinthians 6:18–20). Paul gives us seven theological ammunitions that empower us to obey these commands and kill porn.
1. As God’s church, we know that tolerance of sexual immorality in our midst ferments the church (1 Corinthians 5:6–8);
2. As a believer in Christ, you know that you were washed, sanctified and justified (1 Corinthians 6:11) in the name of Jesus Christ and by the Holy Spirit of God (because the entire Godhead—the Father, Spirit and Son—was involved in your salvation);
3. You know that your body is for the Lord, not for porn or masturbation or adultery (1 Corinthians 6:12–14);
4. You know that you are a member of Christ’s body (1 Corinthians 6:15);
5. You know that you are married to Christ (1 Corinthians 6:16–17);
6. You know that the sexually immoral, the unrepentant porn-stars and porn-watchers, will not inherit the kingdom of God (1 Corinthians 6:9–10);
7. You know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit (1 Corinthians 6:19–20), therefore flee sexual immorality and glorify God in your body.
This is your ammunition—truths accomplished by God, knowledge given you by his grace.

Ammunition in Action

Paul has given you the ammunition to use in fighting and defeating sin. Now, follow the commands that this knowledge frees you to obey.
First, make it your habit to flee sexual immorality. Do not only avoid it; run from it. In the Old Testament, people “flee” from deadly foes (cf. Genesis 14:10), deadly serpents (Exodus 4:3), kinsman avengers (Numbers 35:6) and other formidable dangers. Sexual immorality, however, poses a greater danger than any of those foes. Sexual immorality is the enemy of your soul; it wants to damn you forever.
Not only that, but sexual immorality strikes the core of our being. “Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body” (1 Corinthians 6:18). Porn presents a threat to your new status and nature in Christ because, instead of remaining united to Christ as his body, you become united to a prostitute. The story of Joseph in Genesis naturally comes to mind. Joseph, contrary to his elder brother Judah (Genesis 38), is a quintessential example of how to flee. Three times in Genesis 39, Moses reports that Joseph who also had the Spirit (Genesis 41:38) “fled” from adultery because he considered sexual immorality a “great wickedness and sin against God.” In fleeing, he was driven by a conviction and passion to obey and glorify God.
Second, glorify God with your body. In the Old Testament, the temple existed to bring glory to God and sanctify his name (1 Kings 8). Now that believers in Christ have replaced the temple, they are to glorify God and sanctify his name with their bodies. Because you were bought with the precious blood of Christ, like a slave, you belong to Christ, and you are commanded to glorify the one who paid the high price for you.
In Hosea 3, Hosea tells Gomer, who was once loved by another man, not to prostitute because of his relationship to her as her husband. Because Hosea bought Gomer with a price, he requires that she be chaste. “You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I also be to you” (Hosea 3:3). Because God has paid a ransom price for believers with the precious blood of his Son, we are bound to him. We are not whores. Glorify God with your body

7 Warnings to Church Leaders on Social Media

By Thom Rainer

When you speak through social media, remember these cautions.

If you are a church and/or Christian leader on social media, please heed the following warnings. This information is pertinent whether you are paid or volunteer, serving in a church or some other Christian organization.
Those of you who read my blog or listen to my podcasts know I am a strong proponent of Christian leaders utilizing social media. I have seen so many good things take place on the various platforms available. I have seen the gospel clearly shared and embraced on social media.
But social media is a two-edged sword. It can be used for good or great harm. And it can harm the ministries of those in Christian leadership. So, whether your platform is a blog, Twitter, Facebook, YouTube, LinkedIn, Google Plus or many others, please note these seven warnings. Indeed, it is my prayer that you will heed these seven warnings.

1. Consider anything you say on social media to be permanent. Yes, you can delete or scrub regretful things you have said on social media, but, more times than not, the information can still be retrieved. And countless people take screen shots the moment they see something unwisely posted.
2. You can be misunderstood often on social media. The readers or viewers usually cannot see your body language. They don’t know your humor or sarcasm. If you have any question about something you will post, don’t post it.
3. Emoticons are not sufficient to soften what you have posted. In fact, emoticons are so ubiquitous now that many readers ignore them.
4. Attacks on other people’s character or positions are considered cowardly by many. The reader or the viewer typically sees the person writing the information as one who hides behind a keyboard or microphone. They wonder if the writer would have the courage to say the same things in person.
5. Too many Christian leaders are posting on social media in the heat of emotional moments. If you are angry or otherwise agitated, take a 24-hour break from social media. If not, you may regret it later.
6. Churches and other Christian organizations are checking social media of Christian leaders. It has become more commonplace for churches and Christian organizations to do a social media background check of potential candidates. And I recently conversed with a pastor who was fired from his church because of something he posted on Facebook. And remember, at the risk of being redundant, most of the words or photos or videos you have posted are permanently recorded.
7. The non-Christian world is watching Christians attack each other on social media. Our Christian witness is compromised again and again by our social media actions. When we say or write scathing attacks on others, nonbelievers see us as hypocritical, inconsistent and unworthy of emulating.

You might be surprised how many people are watching you on social media. And you might be surprised how many people have been hurt and angered by Christian leaders on social media. You might also be surprised how many gospel-sharing opportunities have been forfeited by unwise things posted on social media.
Be wise. Be gracious. Be kind. And be Christ-like.

Helping the Consumers in our Churches

January 4, 2016

by Ted Cunningham
“I pray God does not bring us out of the recession too quickly. We have more to learn.” I heard those words preached a few years ago from a pastor friend. At first, I was shocked and thought, “How un-American.” However, the longer I meditated on his words, the more I understood what he meant. We’re a nation of consumers, and many of us want our home equity lines of credit re-established so we can plan our next trip to Disney World.
Proverbs 21:20 says, “In the house of the wise are stores of choice food and oil, but a foolish man devours all he has.” The fool never thinks ahead, and spends everything he makes. Wisdom is found in planning for emergencies. Dave Ramsey proposes that each family keep a minimum emergency fund of $1,000.00. Margin is the space between your load and limit. Financial margin is making sure you have some space between your expenses and income. A little financial “cushion” gives families room to breathe. When the car breaks down or the plumber needs to be called, a family with an emergency fund has the money and avoids unnecessary stress.
Regardless of your income, adjust your lifestyle and expenses to make room for savings. Proverbs 13:11 says, “Dishonest money dwindles away, but whoever gathers money little by little makes it grow.” Don’t live for get-rich-quick schemes, nor plan on fast savings plans. Patience is the key to saving.
Saving requires discipline to not devour all you have or make. We use terms like “paycheck to paycheck,” “barely getting by” and “making ends meet” to describe the one who pays most of their bills with no money for extras. To establish your emergency fund you may need to eat out less, limit data usage on your mobile device, and drive your old car for another few years.
My parents taught me to earn, give, save, and spend and in that order. My dad wasn’t a big spender. He loved to save. When I was 10 years old, I brought home earned income to my dad, and he helped me divide it out into 4 envelopes: Tithe, Missions, Savings, and Spending. I regularly tell our congregation, “Yes the Bible teaches me to give, but it was the influence of my father that impressed giving on my heart.”

Solomon said,
“Whoever loves money never has enough;
whoever loves wealth is never satisfied with their income.
This too is meaningless.

As goods increase,
so do those who consume them.
And what benefit are they to the owners
except to feast their eyes on them?” Ecclesiastes 5:10-11

We need to validate the spending motives of our congregation and at the same time encourage them to evaluate why they spend the way they do. Here are 7 spending motives that influence the way you and I spend money:

Ego Spending– Focusing on yourself while being indifferent to the needs of others.
Entitled Spending– Confusing privilege for necessity by feeling you deserve or need something. This spender wants in three years what his parents spent thirty years accumulating.
Emotional Spending– Making purchases to medicate pain, hurt, or loss. This is closely related to emotional eating.
Envy Spending– Wanting what somebody else has. “Why shouldn’t I get it because they got it, and we’re kind of in the same status, right?”
Essential Spending– Getting by with the basics. This would define my parents’ and grandparents’ generation.
Extravagant Spending– Choosing the top-of-the-line best in every category. This is the opposite of essential spending. Sometimes the mid-tier appliance or car will do just fine in meeting our needs.
Exhausted Spending– When excessive spending fatigues you. It’s usually around the holidays or vacations. You have no energy left because you have no money left.

Pastors often get very specific about giving habits, but rarely get as specific about earning and spending. Share these motives with your congregation, and ask them to look into their hearts and choose the one or two that best describe them. It’s hard to talk about giving without discussing spending. If we change our spending motives and habits we create financial margin to give more.

10 Wedding Considerations that Esteem Marriage As Highly Valuable

October 5, 2015

by Ted Cunningham
Do you know a pastor who no longer officiates weddings? Do you enjoy them, or would you prefer not to do them? Do they seem like an add-on to your ministry?
Weddings honor marriage. The visual of a man separating from his parents and uniting with his wife esteems marriage as highly valuable. Jesus honored marriage by attending a wedding (John 2:1-2). He then blessed the new couple, their parents, and gathered guests by keeping the celebration going when he turned water into wine (John 2:3-11). Your attendance and participation at a wedding honors marriage and blesses the couple.
Unfortunately, many churches and pastors today shy away from officiating weddings. Some keep a preaching schedule and have a leadership assignment that can’t handle the extra workload. Larger churches with multiple weekend services find it difficult to turn the facility over from a wedding chapel to a church auditorium. Sadly, many church leaders now see weddings as an inconvenience rather than a celebration.
The following 10 considerations may help ease the burden and restore the excitement for weddings:

1. Differentiate between a justice of the peace and a pastor. Many engaged couples today desire a pastor by title but a justice of the peace in practice. A justice of the peace has limited legal power to make a marriage official. A pastor gives counsel and blessing to a couple.
2. Differentiate between a wedding coordinator and a pastor. Where people stand or how they walk in is not a huge concern for most pastors. When pastors get swamped with details, they tend to retreat. Request that a family member or friend fulfill the role of wedding coordinator, and allow the pastor to focus on the content of the ceremony.
3. If necessary, free up your pastor(s) from rehearsals. A rehearsal is a great time to learn more about the couple and minister to the family. If you can, try to be there. If you can’t, ask the wedding coordinator to run the rehearsal is an easy solution.
4. Recruit a deep bench for wedding officiants. We seek volunteers for children’s ministry and small groups, why not recruit a wedding team? Find those who are already ordained (you might be surprised how many pastors are in your pews), and begin a process for training and equipping those who would like to be ordained.
5. Work with your receptionist and/or assistant. When someone calls the church office and says, “We would like to talk to someone about getting married,” train whoever answers the phone to respond with statements like, “Congratulations!” or “When’s the big day?” Avoid statements like, “Well, let me see who is available to talk to you.” or “We don’t host a lot of weddings here because of our weekend services.” Part of creating a marriage and family culture at your church is developing a genuine enthusiasm about marriage on the front lines.
6. Bless your facilities team and validate the extra work. Weddings take a toll on the facility. Turning over the facility from wedding to church service requires extra work. There are many ways to show appreciation for a great attitude in going the extra mile. Consider bringing in pizza or an unexpected gift card.
7. Develop relationships with chapels, gardens, and resorts. Woodland Hills Family Church, where I pastor, meets in a castle. You would think that every princess would want her wedding in a castle. However, there’s a pole smack dab in the middle of our auditorium’s center aisle. This makes for an awkward processional. We have many options for facilities in our town.
8. Use the wedding as a “link” between premarital and newlywed. The gap is unintentional, but many churches work with engaged couples and couples in crisis to the exclusion of couples who seem to be doing “okay.” Create a newlywed follow-up plan that includes encouraging personal touches within the first year of their marriage. Create custom greeting cards to send to newlyweds throughout the year. Let them know you’re thinking of them.
9. Edit wedding guidelines, and add more grace. A few years ago, my assistant asked me to reconsider the tone of our wedding guidelines. When someone called the office to seek premarital counseling and to schedule their wedding, we sent them our wedding guidelines. This document included where we stood on cohabitation. We never heard back from many couples. This was not our intent. Tough conversations are better in person, not print. You don’t need to put everything you believe in a policy manual. Don’t change what you believe, but get face to face with the couple so they can hear your heart and see your genuine love and concern for them.
10. Give people a clear path through your marriage ministry. Premarital counseling is the perfect time to give the couple a discipleship plan. From church membership to small groups, challenge couples to press into biblical community. Translate the support of the church for their wedding into even more support for their marriage.

It takes a team, not just a pastor, to honor marriage through a wedding. Bring these 10 considerations to your next board or staff meeting. Ask for their input. Edit this list, and create your own.
May your church be known in the community for great weddings. Let the word on the street be, “If you want to get married, you definitely want to go to that church because they tie an incredible knot!”