7 Truths About Marriage You Will Not Hear in Church

By Frank Powell

“Many couples buy the lie of the wedding day … it is all about me.”

Ever wish you had the answers to a test before you walked into the classroom? Maybe some of you did have the answers, but you better keep that to yourself. I took some really hard tests during my time in college.
And if you spent time in college you remember review days. The professor would walk into a class full of students (some of which I had never seen) and give some insights about the impending test. Miss review day, and it would be foolish to expect a passing grade.
But it never failed. I would follow the guideline. I would study the handout. But on the day of the exam, the professor would put the exam on my desk … and there it was. A foreign formula or equation. It wasn’t in the notes. It didn’t show up on the study guide.
Looking back, I realize something … the teacher did not intend for the study guide to be comprehensive. It was simply not possible to include everything from the required readings, class notes and lectures.
The same is true with the church and marriage. I am grateful for the foundation the church gave me in regards to marriage. It was a good study guide. But there some things on the test I did not learn until marriage began. So, I am going to give you some answers to the test that some of you might not expect to see. I grew up in church. I spent most of my time with Christian people. I was told much about marriage. But these seven truths about marriage I never heard in church.

1.) Sex is a gift from God. Explore It.

Make no mistake … God created sex. But through the years, God’s people allowed Satan to steal this gift. Without a fight.

God created sex. If you’re married, explore this gift to the fullest.

I was never educated about sex … and I grew up in a Christian family. My framework for sex was built by my friends and the movies I watched. Big UH OH. The cloud of lies formed during my teenage years still hinder me from enjoying the fullness of sex.
It is time for God’s people to take back the gift of sex. The lies surrounding it are ruining lives and marriages. If you are married, here’s a challenge. Explore sex. Explore the fullness of it. Pray for sexual intimacy with your spouse.
Parents … it is time to stop allowing Satan to define sex for our children. Educate them. Start early. The average child is exposed to pornography at age 11. Eleven!! And many parents wait until high school to have “the talk” with their children. At that point, you are not building a foundation for sex. Your’re trying to destroy a foundation Satan has already built.
Church leaders … I am convinced of this. The situation in our culture today is too urgent to allow parents to override you here. Talk about sex. If parents refuse to educate their children, you do it. Do not let Satan beat you to the punch. A false understanding of sex is destroying young people. It is destroying our nation. It is destroying the world. And we are doing nothing!

Sex is a beautiful gift created by God for a man and a woman that have vowed to spend the rest of their earthly lives with one another. If you are married … open this gift and enjoy the fullness of it.

2.) There is more than one person out there for you.

Soul mates are made … not born. I am not sure where this idea of soul mate originated, but it is false. Maintaining a healthy relationship is more about commitment than perfection. Every person on earth has imperfections. And the reality is we could spend our lives with more than one person.
Tiffani (my wife) is not perfect. There are nuances about her that frustrate me. But I realize these frustrations are really a result of my imperfections. I love her so much. And I love her more every day. I am committed to her.
I meet too many young people waiting for something that is not real. “I just couldn’t marry her because she smacked her food.” “He just wasn’t the one … he had this weird twitch when he smiled. But I know my soul mate is still out there. I just have to keep looking.”
Or you might have just missed him or her.
What if God does not want you to find a perfect person, but an imperfect person that will draw you closer to Him? What if God desires you to marry a person with flaws to expose yours? What if God wants to teach you the value found in committing to one person forever, not the exhausting pursuit of searching your entire life to find the perfect person?
Soul mates are made … not born.

3.) The first year of marriage is hard … really hard.

What have we done? Are we going to make it? Why is this so hard? All questions I asked myself many times during my first year of marriage. We were arguing. We were fighting. It was really hard. And every day I thought something was wrong. I thought we had a bad marriage. Nobody warned me about the first year. But take this as a warning … the first year of marriage is difficult.
If you are in the first year of marriage and thinking about giving up … congratulations. You are now … married!
But let me encourage you … things get better. Every marriage has struggles. Yours is not unique. Don’t give up. There are better days coming. Your marriage will get better. Do not walk out. Nothing worth having comes easy. If you walk out now you disqualify yourself (and your spouse) from years of joy.

4.) A spouse does not complete you.

I hate you, Jerry Maguire. You brainwashed a generation to believe a lie. Spouses do not complete people. I bought this lie, and it wasn’t until I let go of any notion my wife could fill some void that I was able to truly love her. Until then, I was always frustrated. I expected Tiffani to do something she was incapable of doing.
If you are empty, broken or insecure, and you believe a spouse is the silver bullet to your problems … buckle up. Marriage will be a bumpy ride. Only God can fill those voids. You will never be able to enjoy the beauty of marriage if your spouse’s job is to complete you.

You can’t experience joy in your marriage if your spouse’s job is to complete you.

5.) Marry somebody with similar goals, dreams and passions.

Marry a Christian, yes. But I would go even further. Marry somebody with similar passions and dreams. Now, I understand this breaks down at some point. People are not machines. No two people want exactly the same thing in life. However, if you love foreign missions and your potential spouse hates going overseas, some tension will arise.
Synergy is extremely important in a marriage. If your spouse has the same vision as you, they will understand your struggles and support your pursuits. They will encourage your walk. They will be empathetic. There is much power in two people doing life with the same goals, dreams and passions for life.

6.) Marriage is not for everybody.

Paul talks about this in I Corinthians 7. He tells the church at Corinth to remain in their current situation. If unmarried, then stay unmarried. If married, then stay married. He later says this …

So then the person who marries his fiancee does well, and the person who doesn’t marry does even better. 1 Corinthians 7:38

Even better? I never heard that in church. Maybe it is time for God’s people to accept the reality. God has not called everyone to marry. I talk with young men and women that are consumed with finding a spouse. And most of the pressure comes from … US. The church. Once a person reaches mid-20s, we assume they have a fatal flaw if they aren’t married.
“Bless your heart. You are almost 30 and not married? I know this must be hard!?”
Shame on us. I am worried many failed marriages are the result of Christians pressuring people into something God did not design them for. Marriage is holy and good, but it is also possible to follow Jesus without a spouse.

7.) The wedding day is a lie … don’t buy it. 

I love weddings. I love officiating them. It is a rare moment where I get to make a divine proclamation that forever changes the status of two people. Powerful.
But in an increasingly individualistic, “me” culture, weddings create a potentially dangerous situation. “Every girl lives for her wedding day.” It is all about the bride and groom. Everyone looks at them. Encourages them. Congratulates them.

Don’t buy the wedding day lie. Marriage is not about you.

Many couples buy the lie of the wedding day … it is all about me. But marriage is at odds with this mindset. A successful wedding day is one where everyone serves you. A successful marriage is one where you serve your spouse. The wedding day is a day where the spotlight is on you. Marriage has no spotlight. The wedding day is about saying a bunch of words that most couples never take seriously. Marriage is about putting the words into action. The wedding day is joyous and celebratory. Many seasons of marriage are about persevering and not letting go through the storms.
Embrace your wedding day. Prepare for it. Celebrate it. But do not make the mistake of believing the lie. After your 20 minutes of fame, the spotlight is gone forever. It is no longer about you (and this is a good thing … you will see).
____________________________

What are some truths you have discovered about marriage the church never taught you? There were several more I had to remove because of length. Let’s continue the discussion!

I love you all. To God be the glory forever. Amen!  

Frank Powell serves in the Campbell Street Church of Christ in Jackson, Tenn., ministering to college-age and young adults. More from Frank Powell or visit Frank at http://frankpowell.me

How Reading Can Transform Your Health

By David Murray

“As weird as it sounds, reading “War and Peace” put me back in control of my life—and that’s why it’s my favorite book.”

In How Changing Your Reading Habits Can Transform Your Health, Michael Grothaus says, “Reading doesn’t just improve your knowledge, it can help fight depression, make you more confident, empathetic and a better decision-maker.”
Grothaus’ life was in a rut … until he read War and Peace. Its 1,500 pages took him two months to conquer and immediately became his favorite book because of how it changed him. “It’s  almost impossible to explain why,” he says “but after reading it I felt more confident in myself, less uncertain about my future. … As weird as it sounds, reading War and Peace put me back in control of my life—and that’s why it’s my favorite book.”
But Grothaus’ further research into reading revealed that such a transformation through reading wasn’t weird but ‘the norm for people who read a lot—and one of the main benefits of reading that most people don’t know about.” What else did he discover?

• Reading for pleasure can help prevent conditions such as stress, depression and dementia.
• Reading can offer richer, broader and more complex models of experience, which enable people to view their own lives from a refreshed perspective and with renewed understanding.
• Reading about other characters and situations helps you to look at life’s challenges from a renewed perspective.
• People who read find it easier to make decisions, plan and prioritize, because they are more able to recognize that difficulty and setback are unavoidable aspects of human life.
• People who read for pleasure regularly report fewer feelings of stress and depression than non-readers.
• Being more engaged with reading, along with other hobbies, is associated with a lower subsequent risk of incidents of dementia.
• People who read books regularly are on average more satisfied with life, happier and more likely to feel that the things they do in life are worthwhile.
• Despite reading being a solitary experience, research shows that reading improves empathy and increases social support.
• A recent survey of 1,500 adult readers found that 76 percent of them said that reading improves their life and helps to make them feel good.

Grothaus goes on to give four tips on how to overcome obstacles to reading in our distracted and over-committed lives (see here).
But if reading secular books can have such life-transforming benefit, how much more will a wide range of good spiritual books transform our lives and even our eternity.
“From childhood you have known the Holy Scriptures, which are able to make you wise for salvation through faith which is in Christ Jesus” (2 Timothy 3:15).  

Dr. David Murray is Professor of Old Testament and Practical Theology at Puritan Reformed Seminary. He is also Pastor of Grand Rapids Free Reformed Church. David is the author of Christians get depressed too, How Sermons Work, and Jesus on Every Page. You can read his blog at HeadHeartHand.org/blog or follow him on Twitter @davidpmurray. David is married to Shona and they have five children ranging from 4 months to 17 years old, and they love camping, fishing, boating, and skiing in the Lake Michigan area. More from David Murray or visit David at http://headhearthand.org/blog/

10 Things the Preacher’s Wife Can Give Him No One Else Can

By Joe McKeever

“She is close to the man of God, but she does not come between him and God.”

“D.L. Moody found in his wife what he termed his balance wheel. With advice, sympathy and faith, this girl labored with him, and by her judgment, tact and sacrifice, she contributed to his every effort.” (quoted in 25 Surprising Marriages by William Petersen)
The pastor’s wife is in a unique position.
She is close to the man of God, but she does not come between him and God. She is privy to a thousand things going on between him and God, but must not insert herself into that process. She knows this man as no one else in the congregation does and can counsel/advise him as no one else is able, but she must know when to speak up and when to be quiet.
In many respects, she has the best seat in the house and the hardest job.
Pray for the young women newly married to men just beginning to pastor churches. So many of the skills they must master will come not from books but from life experiences, from making mistakes and getting things wrong, from befriending older and more mature ministers’ wives and heeding their counsel, and from the indwelling Spirit of God.
Let the young wives of ministers seek out others of their kind and befriend them. They need one another desperately. Let them meet in one another’s kitchens where they can talk and vent and pray.
Let them remind each other of the unique position they occupy concerning their husband’s calling.
Now, let us see if we can get that discussion started with what follows.
Here is my list of 10 things the wife can do for her preacher-husband that no one else can do. (Let me say up front, I’m writing from the standpoint of the pastors being men. I have no experience with women pastors, so to advise them on anything would be presumptuous. For that reason, I will appreciate no admonitions from readers that I have omitted or insulted the women pastors. God bless anyone who stands in the pulpit to share His word. Thank you.)
1. The wife can pray for her preacher husband as no one else can.
She shares his struggles, sees his labors and knows what he is dealing with. Mostly, what he experiences, she does also. When she prays for him, she’s praying also for herself.
Let the wife intercede for her man.
2. The wife can advise him as no one else can.
She is an expert on this man. She knows what makes him tick. In advising him, she has no axe to grind, no agenda to push. She loves him and wants only his best.
God told Israel to pray for their cities because “as it prospers, you will prosper” (Jeremiah 29:7). In much the same way, when God blesses the pastor and he does well, everyone benefits: The church becomes healthy, the pastor’s family does well and his wife’s lot is vastly improved.
3. The wife can admonish him as no one else can.
Rebuking a pastor can be a risky thing.
Sometimes a wife has to deliver the bad news to her man. “You were wrong.” “Honey, you were out of line.” “You need to apologize to him.”
As no one else can, she can call him back to earth and speak the unvarnished truth in love.
4. She can encourage him as no one else can.
She knows his hurts and sees his pain. She feels his fatigue and knows about his sleepless nights. His pain is hers. And because she understands him as no one else does, she can lift him up like no one else.
Because she is also his lover, she can comfort him with her arms, her sweetness, her touch, her kisses. She knows when he needs to be left alone and when would be the best time to make that delicious blueberry cobbler he loves so much.
5. She can protect him.
To give him a little peace, pastor’s wife Rita answers his cell phone from the minute he enters the house until he leaves. If the call is important, she hands the preacher the phone. Otherwise, she takes messages or relays them. Pastor’s wife Jerilyn insisted early in their marriage that one day a week would belong to the two of them, no matter where they pastored. By holding to that, she has blessed her husband’s ministry and enhanced their marriage.
Some pastors are hesitant to take the rest they deserve and need. The wife can see that he gets it.
Pastor’s wife Maggie protects her husband from temptation by loving him and treating him as her lover.
6. She can enhance his ministry and make him more effective.
When Margaret found that my “primary love language,” as taught by Judson Swihart in How Do You Say I Love You?, was “being on the same side,” she began doing all she could to support my pastoral ministry. At various times, she taught a Sunday School class, more than once team-teaching alongside me. She led “Experiencing God” classes, worked with drama teams and even ran a television camera. She encouraged me to invite committees to meet in our home where she served as hostess.
As a result, the congregation came to a greater appreciation of my wife, of our home and of the ministry to which God had called me.
7. But there is another side. She can hurt him as no one else in the church can.
She’s “in close.” The husband drops his guard when he’s at home. If a wife misuses her closeness with him, she can wound him severely and destroy his effectiveness. By calling him demeaning names (“stupid” or even using profanity), by accusing him of sin (“I saw you making eyes at someone in the choir”), and by speaking of him disparagingly to church members, she may destroy his confidence and ruin his ministry.
In one church with which I am familiar, choir members could look into the congregation and see the pastor’s wife with the scowl on her face. The look she gave her preacher husband as he tried to expound the Word of God radiated pure disgust. To no one’s surprise, their marriage did not last. At last report, the former pastor was out of the ministry altogether and working at the newspaper.
True, no one but the two of them knows what went on between them, but to this observer, the preacher was brought down by the very person who should have been his champion, his wife.
8. She can interfere as no one else can.
Any member can cause trouble in a church, but the pastor’s wife is perfectly situated to cause the greatest disruptions if she chooses. That’s why she has to exercise great care in the things she says and in whom she confides.
Woe to the pastor whose wife prides herself on her plain-spokenness. “If I think it, I say it,” said one. Not good.
Let the pastor’s wife pray the prayer of Psalm 141:3, “Set a guard upon my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
9. She can help him relax and laugh.
There is a time to discuss heavy matters about the disobedient children and the broken furnace, and a time to lay them aside. There is a time to complain about some matter the preacher-husband promised to do but has forgotten, and a time to put it on the back burner.
One of the hardest things a wife will ever do is to stifle the urge to unload on him when he enters the house. She has been dealing with the problems all day by herself, and finally he is home. Except—as she is to learn quickly enough—he’s not “all there” yet. Give him time. Let him unwind. Be his lover, his sweetheart, his best friend and confidante.
10. She can help him pick out his clothes!
When I asked Facebook friends for their suggestions, I was surprised by this one. But it’s true. As I write, only yesterday, I found myself wondering about “this tie with that shirt.” Margaret, now in Heaven, would have told me in a heartbeat. (Probably without even being asked!) That’s one of only 10,000 things I miss about her.
Some wife reading this is thinking, “All right. He needs these things, true enough. But what about me? I need some things too.”
You certainly do. But that’s one reason we urge you to pull together a few other ministers’ wives and discuss this. You cannot pull this off without the counsel of wiser and more experienced women who have walked this road before you.
Whether you get with other wives or try to go it alone, there is one overwhelming essential you cannot and must not miss. You must draw your strength from the Lord Jesus Christ each day of your life. You cannot exist on the spirituality of your preacher husband. You must not try to do this in your own strength.
I leave with you the verse above all verses that ought to have the pastors’ wives’ names on it. This one is all yours, precious sister in the Lord …
Not that we are adequate (sufficient) to think anything of ourselves; but our adequacy (sufficiency) is of God. (2 Corinthians 3:5)  

After five years as Director of Missions for the 100 Southern Baptist churches of metro New Orleans, Joe retired on June 1, 2009. These days, he has an office at the First Baptist Church of Kenner where he's working on three books, and he's trying to accept every speaking/preaching invitation that comes his way. He loves to do revivals, prayer conferences, deacon training, leadership banquets, and such. Usually, he's working on some cartooning project for the denomination or some agency. More from Joe McKeever or visit Joe at http://www.joemckeever.com/mt/

5 Ways We Fight for Children

By Phillip Holmes

Provided by

“Christians should continue to leverage their influence online to expose the atrocities taking place inside an organization that makes profit by murdering innocents…”

Less than a week ago, a video was released that provided damning evidence that Planned Parenthood was selling the body parts of infant corpses. Christians immediately took to social media calling Planned Parenthood’s actions “inhumane” and “barbaric.” Many demanded that the government defund the organization and others insisted that they be shut down.
Christians should continue to leverage their influence online to expose the atrocities taking place inside an organization that makes profit by murdering innocents and trafficking their body parts under the guise of women’s rights. But that’s not all we should do.
It’s one thing to protest external problems like Planned Parenthood for what it truly is—a baby-murdering machine. It’s another to look internally and ask how we can protest with our lives in faithful and tangible ways. Protesting online is easy, but protesting with our lives will demand more of us.
Whether you’re single or married, young or old, we can all do something for the sake of the defenseless unborn and glorious truth of what we believe. What can we do?

1. Love Children

More and more, America is becoming a country that loves children less and less. We see them as a ball-and-chain that slows us down in our pursuit of the American dream. Even in the church, Christian couples get strange looks when they say they want to have a lot of kids. Some will even discourage them. “That will change after you’ve had a kid or two.” This response shouldn’t be.
The Bible is overwhelmingly positive in its language about children. “Children are a heritage from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). When teaching his disciples, Jesus uses an illustration of the joy of a mother delivering her baby (John 16:21). Our words and actions should reflect the heart and values of Scripture. The Bible is the heart and values of God, after all.
All Christians should be known as people who love children because we have been graciously loved by a Father. Our love for and joy in children should be evident and contagious, winsomely put on display for the whole world to witness and, Lord willing, want for themselves.

2. Have More Children

My pastor recently said, “The way to outlast an ideology that’s for naturalism, same-sex marriage and abortion is to pretty much be anything but that, and have kids.” I couldn’t agree more with this statement. Because we love children and believe they are a blessing from God, able, married couples should have more children. Our desire to build families full of expensive, inconvenient and precious little boys and girls should powerfully set us apart from the rest of the world.
Now, one of the biggest obstacles to having more children is the financial responsibility. It’s a legitimate concern. Every couple should stay close to the Scriptures and pray about priorities. I think we’re sometimes guilty, though, of being poor stewards of our resources and running away from the sacrifices involved in parenting.
Children are a worthy and eternal investment. “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:5). This word “blessed” also means happy. I hope to be cared for by my children in old age and surrounded by a lot of grandchildren. They are a great blessing and should make us very happy. You’d be hard-pressed to find a grandparent with a lot of children regretting their decision. The Bible promises that children can be a gift that keeps on giving—so have them. A large family reflects God’s family to an intentionally barren society.

3. Adopt Children

Last winter, my wife and I lost our first child when she miscarried at nine weeks. This experience was painful for both of us, and many couples experience it. I’m aware that there are many couples who want children (or more children), but are unable to have them. I would encourage these couples (and those that can have children) to consider adoption.
Adoption is a beautiful way to put our theology to action. The Scriptures remind us of our adoption through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5). Now we are viewed as blood-bought, secure, beloved sons and daughters of God our Father. We’re no longer slaves, but sons and heirs through God (Galatians 4:4–7).
Many Christian couples have never considered adoption. I would encourage you to initiate these conversations in your home and with your church family. Pray consistently, and ask if God might have you adopt. Adoption screams to our society that children are wanted and loved.

4. Instruct Children

Scripture commands us to “train up a child in the way he should go” and to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4). We know that there is nothing we can do to guarantee the salvation of our child. Salvation belongs to the Lord. But this truth shouldn’t make us passive in our instruction, nor in the decisions we make about their upbringing and education. The Bible condemns this behavior and warns us that we should never neglect the discipline of our children (Proverbs 23:13–14; 13:24).
As society becomes increasingly godless, parents should be ready to make hard choices about education. Education is never religiously neutral. It’s impossible. Some worldview is at the foundation of every educational institution, program or curriculum. Few will argue that government schools today even remotely reflect a Christian worldview. Among other ideas contrary to the Bible, government schools will likely teach your children that so-called “same-sex marriage” is legitimate, natural and courageous, or that a baby boy or girl in the womb is not yet human.
Well-meaning Christians are hesitant to pull out of public schools because they see such community as an opportunity for ministry, a rare chance to be “in the world, but not of it.” This perspective assumes that there are not better options to give our children a full Christian education while at the same time still loving our neighbors.
We need Christians to train their children and love their neighbors well. I think churches should consider building affordable schools for their community. Educating our families and communities guards the minds of our little ones, shows mercy to our neighbors and shapes future generations of decision-makers in the family and in society. Building Christian schools provides opportunities to more holistically disciple a pregnant teenager considering an abortion.
Education will inevitably lead to change, for good or for bad. We should be thinking, praying, planning and investing in how to teach children to think and feel and act for the glory of God.

5. Give for Children

Much of what I’ve mentioned so far requires resources—gross amounts of time and money. You may be in a stage or place in life in which most of the above is no longer an option, but you love children and want to help. Consider giving. Give your time. Give your money. Give what you can to families, organizations and church funds seeking to love, serve and teach children.
This investment could include babysitting for a couple, or helping a larger family a few times a week by changing diapers and cleaning. You could give to an organization that provides resources for families that have special needs children. You could support agencies that promote or facilitate adoptions, or come alongside families walking through the challenges of adoption. You could even talk to your church leader about building a team of teachers and donors to start an affordable Christian school that could serve the church and the community. Or if your community already has such a school, you could apply for a job, volunteer or write them a check.
When the world sees us love little ones in these ways, they will be forcefully and beautifully confronted with the love of God himself. These are the fruits—the offspring—of his adopting love for sinners, welcoming them and all their sin into his family forever. Few things tell the story of the gospel more clearly and more tangibly than our passionate, persistent love for the young and defenseless, those our nation so cavalierly and shockingly discard.
Continue to protest online, but make sure your lifestyle reflects your words.  

Phillip Holmes (@PhillipMHolmes) is an itinerant preacher, co-founder and Vice President of the Reformed African American Network (RAAN) and co-host of Pass The Mic, RAAN’s official podcast. You can find more content by him at his personal site, Highest Good. He resides in Houston and is engaged to Jasmine Baucham. More from Phillip Holmes or visit Phillip at http://www.desiringgod.org

Planned Parenthood at the Cross

By Russell Moore

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Many of us were horrified and repulsed as we saw Planned Parenthood Federation leaders in undercover videos negotiating the sale of body parts from aborted children. The cavalier conversations, over lunch, about such things ought to shock every conscience. For Christians, this atrocity ought to drive us to reflect on the literal crux of our faith, the cross of Jesus Christ.
The most ghoulish aspect of these videos is, after all, not simply that children are losing their lives. We knew that already. Beyond that is the way these children’s bodies are being used, divided up for parts, in order to enable clinics to “do a little better than break even.” And, of course, there is the callousness of the consciences involved. How could one talk about where to “crush” a baby or how “crunchy” the tearing mechanism ought to be in such breezy casual terms?
Every human person naturally ought to recoil from such language. But for a Christian, especially, such language ought to trigger in us thoughts of Jesus of Nazareth, who identified himself with human nature, taking on flesh and dwelling among us (Jn. 1:14). Jesus is human—not “was,” mind you, “is”—meaning everything it means to be human. Jesus demonstrated his solidarity with the human race by sharing with us every stage of development.
He was an “embryo.” He was a “fetus.” He was a nursing infant. He was a child. He is an adult. An attack on vulnerable humanity is an attack on the image of God. And that image is not abstract. The image of God has a name and a blood type. The image of God is Christ Jesus himself (Col. 1:15). Every human image-bearer is patterned after the Alpha and Omega image of the invisible God.
And at the Cross, Jesus stood with and for humanity in suffering. We are often told that abortion is ethical because the “products of conception” aren’t “viable,” that is, they cannot live outside the womb. This suggests that the value of a human life consists in its autonomous power. But Jesus was conceived in the most vulnerable situation possible in the ancient world—as a fatherless orphan. He lived as a migrant refugee outrunning with his family the Planned Parenthood of his day, the King Herod, into a land hostile to his own. He died helplessly convulsing on a cross, dependent on others even for hydration. Even in death, Jesus counted himself with thieves and was buried in a borrowed grave. In his humanity, Jesus wasn’t “viable” either.
Moreover, like the dead orphans of Planned Parenthood, Jesus was seen as valuable only in terms of his “parts.” The soldiers cast lots for his clothing (Mk. 15:23). With the very King of Israel standing before them, the Roman soldiers could see his value only in terms of how much money they could fetch from his garments. That should shock the conscience.
And yet, at the Cross, we do not simply see Jesus standing in solidarity with those suffering. He stands also in the place of sinners. He is counted with thieves, one executed on his left, and one on his right. One thief reflected the culture of death. He saw Jesus only in terms of what Jesus can do for him, temporally: “Save yourself and us!” (Lk. 23:39.
But there were two thieves, remember. The other saw his own desperation, crying out for mercy. Who knows what this man had done? The word “thief” in this context doesn’t connote a petty pickpocket. This mean was more akin to a murderer, a pirate, or a terrorist, to use contemporary language. Jesus forgave him, not because his actions were excusable but because he was hidden by faith in the punishment Jesus bore for him.
The cross should remind us that Jesus hears the cries of the suffering, even those whose cries are unable to be heard. But the cross should also remind us that Jesus saves sinners. The actions of Planned Parenthood are horrendous, both in terms of social injustice and in terms of personal sin against God. What can wash away such sin? Nothing. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
We should work for justice for the unborn, and for their victimized mothers. And, at the same time, we should speak to the consciences of those who see them as little more than pieces to be bartered. What Planned Parenthood is doing, let’s be clear, is violent and murderous. But the gospel can convict consciences, even consciences darkened by violence. And, when God saves such sinners, he often uses these trophies of grace to speak up for justice for those persecuted and mercy for their persecutors, through faith in Christ and newness of life in him.
Planned Parenthood is a killing field. We should groan inwardly, and work outwardly, against such evil. But, as we do so, let’s remember another killing field, a Place of the Skull, where peace came to the violent, through a cross of both justice and justification.
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Please join us July 21-22, 2016 in Washington, DC for Evangelicals for Life. You can find more information here.

For a Happy Marriage: Believe the Best — Even When You're Hurt

By Shaunti Feldhahn

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Part of the Three Tips for a Happy Marriage Series

1. For a Happy Marriage: Believe the Best — Even When You're Hurt
2. For a Happy Marriage: Speak With Kindness — Especially When You Want to "Tell It Like It Is"
3. For a Happy Marriage: Do the "Little Things" That Matter to Your Spouse

Series About:

Daily Living

It was 7:00 p.m. on a Friday, and after a string of exhausting weeks, Kathryn couldn’t wait for a long-planned and much-needed romantic date with her husband, Josh.The kids were finally at Grandma’s house (hallelujah!), the favorite meal was cooked, the table was set beautifully and there were candles in the bedroom for later. But as the minutes ticked by . . . no Josh. And no call. Finally at 7:40, a quick text: Boss grabbed me 4 last-min client call. So sorry. By 8:30, Kathryn was trying to hold back the tears. She found herself thinking she just wasn't a priority for Josh, so she put away the beautifully cooked food — and the candles.
Have you ever been in Kathryn’s place in some way, thinking that your husband just doesn’t care? Or maybe you’re a husband who tackled an all-day honey-do painting project to surprise your wife, only to hear, “Um . . . I thought we were going to do a texture in this room.” Maybe you’ve had the angry feeling: I just can’t do anything right for her.
It is easy to have those thoughts when we are hurt, but it is poisonous to the relationship. Why? Because we’re assuming that our spouse is hurting us on purpose. And we’re almost always wrong. In my research study, I found that nearly all spouses — even in struggling marriages — deeply cared about their mate. But if we want to have a great marriage, we'll have to force ourselves to believe that truth. We have to believe that our spouse has good intentions toward us, even when we are legitimately hurt.
In Josh and Kathryn’s case, here’s what it looked like in practice. Kathryn later told me that after she had the initial “I’m just not a priority” reaction, she purposefully switched that train of thought. No, she told herself, I know he was looking forward to this date as much as I was. There must be another explanation. And it entirely changed how she approached him.
When Josh finally came home at 9 p.m., he was stressed, anxious and a bit defensive. Kathryn was honest but calm instead of furious. “I’m really disappointed,” she said. “What happened?”
Surprised at her measured tone of voice, Josh’s defenses dropped. “I’m so, so sorry,” he said. “I heard today that the company is probably being acquired, and our team may be downsized. When Monty asked me to jump on that last-minute call with a big client, I didn’t feel like I could say no.”
Kathryn disagreed with how Josh handled the situation, wondering why he couldn’t have pulled away for 60 seconds before getting on the call, just to let her know. But she saw the heart behind what seemed to be a heartless action: Josh loved his wife and family and didn’t want to risk his ability to provide for them. By assuming the best about Josh's motives — rather than the worst — Kathryn preserved the happiness in their marriage instead of hurting it.
We can all do the same in our marriages. When we are hurt, as all of us will be at some time, we can remind ourselves that our spouse almost certainly wants our best. And then we can look for the best explanation rather than the worst. And when we do, we’ll see the signals of love and care that were likely there all along.
Shaunti Feldhahn is a social researcher and the author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. For more on Shaunti's research, visit Shaunti.com.

©2015 Shaunti Feldhahn. Originally published on FocusOnTheFamily.com.

Next in this Series: For a Happy Marriage: Speak With Kindness — Especially When You Want to "Tell It Like It Is"

Decision Training

By Arlyn Lawrence

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Article About:

Parenting Challenges

My husband and I enrolled our son Tyler in soccer when he was 5. For years we endured early Saturday morning games in the cold and drizzly Northwest weather. I can remember sitting there — shivering, hair dripping, teeth chattering — watching him play. I was miserable, but my husband had been an avid soccer player in his youth and wanted Tyler to have the same opportunity. Tyler never complained, so we assumed he wanted it, too.
The year Tyler turned 13, his team made a move into a more demanding league, and we needed to decide if he would move up with them. We were shocked when he declared that he was done with soccer. He admitted that the only reason he played was because we had wanted him to.
I'd spent all those Saturday mornings in the rain for nothing — until my husband and I realized we were probably doing the same thing to him in other areas. I’m sure the rest of our kids are now grateful this incident happened, as it started the process of our letting each of them take responsibility for more of their own decisions.
Good decision-making is like any other skill. Sometimes kids get it right; sometimes they get it wrong. “Getting it wrong” can be just as important as getting it right. Unfortunately, many parents aren’t willing to let their kids make those valuable and messy mistakes.
Support for decision-making
Too often, we find it easier to make decisions for our kids, rather than taking the time to have the necessary conversations with them so they can complete a task on their own. Sometimes, it may seem safer to do it ourselves than risk their making a bad decision, or one with which we don’t personally agree. It can also feel painful and unloving to let them experience the consequences that may come with making a bad decision.
Essentially, though, we ought to be empowering our children — giving them the tools and confidence to live independently in the real world. By allowing them opportunities to practice making their own decisions, we position our children to then develop the skills and competencies they need to succeed.
Being a third party
I have found that a particularly effective decision-making strategy is to invite my children to project their decisions onto a third party. This can depersonalize the emotional element, if there is one. You might recount a similar situation in your own life and how it turned out. Or, you might ask them how they would advise a friend in the same circumstances. This kind of a discussion promotes a safe, sharing environment for objective decision-making.

Limited options
Another strategy that worked well when our children were much younger and needed more guidance in their decision-making was to give them a limited number of options. Any of the options would have been acceptable to us, but it gave them a feeling of empowerment to be able make simple choices about what they would wear or what they would eat. So, for example, when my 5-year-old might have chosen to wear shorts on a snowy day in the middle of January, I wouldn’t say, “What do you want to wear today?” Rather, I would ask something like, “Which pants would you like to wear today — your jeans or the black leggings?” At mealtime, instead of, “What do you want to eat?” — in which case the answer would likely have been, “Ice cream!” — I might ask, “Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich or a quesadilla?”
Trusted options
As my children matured and increasingly exhibited good decision-making skills, I stopped offering them options and asked them, “What are the options? Which do you think is the best option?” We found this helped build self-confidence and trust, and often led to being invited to share our opinion when they asked, “What do you think, Mom (or Dad)?” It was surprising how often our teens would ask for our opinions when we weren’t too quick to offer unsolicited advice.
Family decisions
I hope that the most memorable decision-making lesson our children will have taken from our home, though, is the practice of seeking God’s wisdom for decision-making through prayer. My husband and I often invited our children, at all ages, to pray with us about matters big and small. For example, when we were contemplating an out-of-town move, we had a family meeting to pray about first — and discuss second — our options and feelings.
Each child was invited to pray individually and ask the Lord for wisdom and direction, and then share with the family the thoughts that came to his or her mind. Our adult children tell us they still follow this practice of seeking God for the wisdom they need, for whatever decision is at hand (James 1:5).
Similarly, some good friends of ours annually invited their children to share in the decision-making about the family’s year-end charitable giving. It reinforced the principle of stewardship, encouraged the children to explore their interests and passions, and helped them identify those in the world they wanted to help the most. They learned to research, analyze and pray over their decisions — building character qualities of generosity, joy of giving, stewardship and others-centeredness along with good decision-making skills.
The outcome
Making tough decisions is never easy. But if we can empower our kids to make them when they are in our home and the stakes are lower, their ability to make good decisions later, when they're on their own, increases. They'll be better equipped for the challenges and responsibilities of the real world.

Arlyn Lawrence is the co-author of Parenting for the Launch: Raising teens to succeed in the real world.

© 2015 by Arlyn Lawrence. Used by permission. In shortened form, this article first appeared in the August/September 2015 issue of Thriving Family. The expanded version was first published on FocusOnTheFamily.com.