Tired of Christian dating? Start looking at relationships differently.
I was in my late 20s and unmarried when I began to think
something might be wrong. I had imagined that I would marry in my early
20s and start a family soon after, but instead, the years slid by with
few potential husbands and fewer dates.
On the surface, it seemed the problem was that the Christian guys I
was interested in dating didn't seem to be asking anyone out. Often they
were engaging in
buddy relationships
instead. And while the guys seemed noncommittal (or the other extreme —
desperate), my female friends and I were accused of being overly picky.
We wanted strong Christian men who possessed leadership qualities and
were attractive. Was that too much to ask? I sometimes thought so.
Then I met my husband, Kevin. Things just fit, and we got married
after knowing each other a little over a year. That didn't stop me from
grappling with the dilemma I described above as I watched it continue to
play out among my single friends. Something is broken with Christian
dating. I know far too many single women and men who desire marriage but
seem to be blocked from … well, getting married.
Two Roads Diverged in a Wood
It's helpful to consider the influence "what not to do" has had on a
generation of Christian singles. Let's face it — the world's road to
marriage is not really an option for the serious believer. In 2011,
Susan Olasky
interviewed college students about relationships.
She discovered that among non-believing young adults, hooking up and
cohabitation were commonplace, and marriage was merely one road among
many to achieving personal happiness. As we know, the Bible advocates a
much different philosophy. Designed by God, marriage eases loneliness,
provides a context for sex and children, and offers a picture of the
relationship between Christ and the church.
The question I think today's Christian singles are asking is: "What does the path from singleness to marriage look like for
us?"
There doesn't seem to be one effective method for getting from Point A
(singleness) to Point B (marriage). And as the world's perspective on
marriage has drifted further and further from God's plan, the result is
even greater confusion about what to do.
During the '90s, I experienced the surge of the courtship movement.
What I took away from this alternative to dating was that young people
interested in marriage should group date to get to know one another and
avoid temptation, involve their families, and not enter into a romantic
relationship unless the guy was being "intentional," essentially
committing to the woman.
I'm pretty sure this trend scared some guys spitless. All of a
sudden, they had to decide on a group date if they were interested in
marrying one of the ladies in their crew. Then they had to have a scary
"singling out" conversation with her (or maybe even her dad). This
created a lot of pressure to know she was "the one" without a lot of
relationship happening first. (This pressure was probably responsible
for creating the "
burning bush" phenomenon of Christian guys waiting for a supernatural moment of clarification before asking a girl out on a date.)
I think girls were scared, too. I remember having a fear of "leading
on" guys who were showing even a hint of interest in me, because I
hadn't decided
(gasp) if I could marry them!
Those who encouraged intentionality meant well, but I think their
philosophy inadvertently promoted a consumer mentality. Guys thought,
If
I have to choose a wife based on very little information, I'm going to
ask out the most beautiful, smart, funny girl I can find. Similarly, women thought,
I'll only go on dates with the most handsome, smart, financially stable guys who ask.
I noticed many of the best-looking guys and best-looking girls
effortlessly found each other during the courtship era, while the rest
of us kind of stood on the sidelines.
Hyper-intentionality created division between Christian singles as we
sized each other up, hoping to get the "best deal" we could. And in the
process, we abandoned some basic principles of Christian relationships,
such as loving one another, building each other up and considering
others better than ourselves. I was as guilty as the next person.
I often observe Christian singles consumed by expectations of
perfection in their future spouses. They may even demonstrate a certain
disdain for those who don't embody these ideals. Recently I heard a
woman making fun of a guy who once asked her out — a guy I know to be a
wonderful husband and father today. And while I appreciate the
hard-hitting truth contained in an article like "
Brother, You're Like a Six," in a way, it reinforces this idea of rating one another and treating each other like commodities.
Think Again
As Christians, our relationships should not be about labeling one
another worthy or unworthy. We are all unworthy apart from Christ, and
we are all made worthy through Him. As we engage in relationships, we
need to remember that truth.
Romans 12:2 says:
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the
renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will
of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
I think the key to transforming Christian dating lies in allowing God
to renew our minds in how we view and relate to one another. Here are
three ways to get started:
1. Learn to see. When I was single, I often found
myself evaluating people rather than really getting to know them.
Remember that children's picture book,
Are You My Mother?
Sometimes I felt like I was walking around in groups of singles silently
asking each guy, "Are you my husband?" Instead of viewing men as
individuals created in God's image, I interacted with them based on my
own agenda.
Jesus was great at seeing people.
Matthew 9:36
says, "When he saw the crowds, he had compassion for them." In another
account, Mark tells us of the rich young ruler, "And Jesus, looking at
him, loved him" (
10:21a).
As we look beyond what other people can do for us and appreciate who they truly are, we allow Christ to dwell richly in us.
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Instead of zeroing in on the top "possibility" in a group, get to know
everyone and see if someone captures your attention based on less
superficial and more meaningful characteristics.
2. Learn to value. Our culture has trained us to
gravitate toward those who seem to be winning at life. She's hot. He's
engaging. She's popular. He's got a good job. The checkmarks add up in
our brains as we evaluate whether someone is worth our time. This
keeping score is the opposite of what God tells us to do, which is, "in
humility count others more significant than yourselves" (
Philippians 2:3).
God wants you to view each person as valuable and keep a humble
estimation of yourself. This opens up the opportunity to get to know
others in an authentic way. Instead of viewing intentionality as the
"buying process" to secure the best spouse possible, see it as a
characteristic to be applied evenly to all areas of life. If you wish to
marry, pray regularly for God to provide a spouse. Study what His Word
says on the subject. One young woman told me that as a single she read
as many marriage articles as possible to prepare for that future
relationship, should God provide it. Now she is engaged and on the brink
of putting that knowledge to work.
3. Learn to serve. In many ways, singleness is a
season of unprecedented freedom. And culture encourages you to live it
up, indulging in every pleasurable experience that you can.
Galatians contains a powerful little verse that challenges this
notion: "For you were called to freedom, brothers. Only do not use your
freedom as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one
another" (
5:13).
My experience as a single taught me that we're bad at serving each
other. Sure, I served at my church, but most of my time revolved around
me and thinking about what I wanted. (Marriage, and especially
parenthood, were a rude awakening!)
Thinking about how we can serve others changes the way we treat
people. Do men serve women by looking at pornography and holding women
to an impossible physical standard? No. Do women serve men by failing to
respect them and undermining their God-given leadership? Of course not.
We serve others by embracing the values of purity, love and sacrifice
God calls us to in His Word.
One area of service God challenged me to grow in was how I engaged
with others relationally. Going back to the "worthy or unworthy" thing, I
used to only invest encouraging words and meaningful conversations in
guys I was interested in. God challenged me that instead of judging the
worthiness of the men I knew, I should be looking to spur them on in
love and good deeds (
Hebrews 10:24). That was a way I could serve them.
Maybe Christian dating isn't broken so much as our thinking is. As we
learn to see, value and serve one another, we quit being consumers and
begin to truly emulate Jesus Christ. I can't think of any more valuable
preparation for God-honoring marriages.
Copyright 2015 Suzanne Hadley Gosselin. All rights reserved.
Ron Edmondson is a pastor
and church leader passionate about planting churches, helping
established churches thrive, and assisting pastors and those in ministry
think through leadership, strategy and life. Ron has over 20 years
business experience, mostly as a self-employed business owner, and he's
been helping church grow vocationally for over 10 years.
More from Ron Edmondson or visit Ron at http://www.ronedmondson.com/
Bill Rose grew up in Dallas, TX. A series of events led to his placement
in an orphanage at age 9. He came to faith as a teenager and
immediately knew that one day he would lead others to that same faith by
becoming a Pastor. Adopted at age 16, Bill has overcome all odds and
has since shared his story with hundreds of audiences. Today Bill and
his wife, Whitney, are the lead pastors of a brand new church in Holly
Springs, NC called Oasis Church.
Michael received a bachelor
of arts in biblical studies at University of Biblical Studies and
Seminary in Bethany, OK. He received a master of theology degree in New
Testament Studies from Dallas Theological Seminary. Michael is the
president of Credo House Ministries. He is also a speaker on Theology
Unplugged, an Internet radio broadcast found at credohouse.org. He
currently resides in Oklahoma with his wife and four kids.
