By Aaron Earls
Married couples can find something to argue about.
Two people constantly learning to live together as one results in
unintentional, but completely expected, clashes.
A good pre-marriage counselor will usually prepare couples for
arguments over finances, household responsibilities and even parenting
styles. Those topics often result in the most serious and fundamental
disagreements between a husband and wife.
But a great pre-marriage counselor will go beyond those issues to an
unspoken source of contention. It has nothing to do with the specific
words you speak, but those words can carry this incendiary device into a
seeming innocuous conversation and spark a roaring, raging fire between
two people.
The not-so-silent marriage killer that never says a word is your tone. How you say things can make all the difference. We can see this in an unlikely place.
C.S. Lewis had an uncanny ability to diagnose the human condition and
detail the hidden areas where sin and rebellion lurked unaware. And
despite his being married later in life, that often extended to his
insight into marriage and married life.
In The Screwtape Letters,
Lewis uses correspondence of demons to reveal human temptations. In
letter 3, the senior demon Screwtape instructs his nephew and protege
Wormwood on how to exploit the relationship of a man, referred to in the
letter as “your patient,” with his mother.
Even though the specific situation in the book is about mother and
son who live together, it is extremely applicable for a married couple. In civilized life, domestic hatred usually expresses itself by
saying things which would appear quite harmless on paper (the words are
not offensive) but in such a voice, or at such a moment, that they are
not far short of a blow to the face. … Your patient must demand that all
his own utterances are to be taken at their face value and judged
simply on the actual words, while at the same time judging all his
mother’s utterances with the fullest and most over-sensitive
interpretation of the tone and context and the suspected intention. She
must be encouraged to do the same to him. Hence from every quarrel they
can both go away convinced, or very nearly convinced, that they are
quite innocent. You know the kind of thing: “I simply ask her what time
dinner will be and she flies into a temper.” Once this habit is well
established you have the delightful situation of a human saying things
with the express purpose of offending and yet having a grievance when
offense is taken.
The demonic tempters recognize how easily humans can argue themselves
off the hook. They saw how we actually do use tone to inflict injury,
while feigning innocence.
When we are the judge and jury of our own words, we most often come
back with a not-guilty verdict. But things change when we evaluate
someone else’s words. How they asked that question becomes what matters. When
they brought up the subject is most important. Those are the key pieces
of evidence in their trial. Their actual words are tossed out as
meaningless to our investigation. Meanwhile, we were “just asking a
question” or “didn’t mean anything by that at all.”
We tip the scales in our own favor, but what does that mean about our
spouse—the one we are supposed to treasure and value above all others?
It means we are intentionally and maliciously harming them.
When we judge their words differently than our own, we insert
injustice and arrogance where love and honor should be. We trade service
for selfishness. And all of this creeps unaware through our marriage
weaving disharmony and discord into the fabric of our relationship.
The solution is obvious, but not very easy. Each person must refuse
to read into words deeper than their meaning, while also avoiding using
tone and timing as a means to dish out subtle (or not-so-subtle) digs.
There are many loud things that can kill a marriage, but the ones
that we must be on guard for the most are the ones that sneak in
underneath a calm, cold word.
The demons in The Screwtape Letters understood it. For the sake of our marriage’s life, we must as well.
Columbus, OH – February 22, 2016 - Abortionist Renee Chelian admits
that the problem of disposing of aborted babies could shut abortion
centers all across America. Because Stericycle is Planned Parenthood's
largest medical waste disposal company, severing the link between the
two would likely bring the abortion giant to a halt. In a war we need a
strategy not just tactics. Affecting the supply side of the abortion
equation is an important part of our strategy. Affecting demand for
abortion by only trying to change hearts, and save lives is insufficient
to win. Just as in the Jewish holocaust,
the urgency of the matter requires attempting to shut down the killing
machine by whatever lawful means necessary.
We
have a short window of time to put pressure on Stericycle and these
medical waste companies to stop doing the dirty work of Planned
Parenthood.
If the link is severed between Stericycle and Planned Parenthood, they would be forced to shut down!
TAKE ACTION:
Send
Created Equal pictures and video of the medical waste companies that
service your local Planned Parenthood. Send information to mark@createdequal.org
Contact CEO Charles Alutto at 847-607-2004 or calutto@stericycle.com and respectfully request that Stericycle stop disposing of aborted babies and the instruments that kill them.
Sign the petition to stop Stericycle from collaborating in the deaths of millions of babies by abortion.
Last
summer and fall, Created Equal helped lead 100,000 activists to protest
at over 600 Planned Parenthood clinics in each of the fifty states.
This coalition is capable of mounting serious opposition to Stericycle
(See protestpp.com).
Please donate to Created Equal, PO Box 360502, Columbus, OH 43236 or click HERE to give electronically. Your gifts are tax deductible.
by Ted Cunningham
At the age of 26, I became the senior pastor of a 400-member church
in southwest Missouri. As a recent seminary graduate, I had no idea that
I was headed for the single most painful year of my life. Fresh out of
school, I was ready to change the world.
About five months into the new position, one of the other pastors
asked me to lunch. As we unwrapped our sandwiches he said, “Senior
pastor is not the best job position for you.” My eyes widened as my body
tensed up. My jaw dropped slightly. I could feel the adrenaline (and
anger) flowing through my veins as this pastor offered a laundry list of
reasons why I should not be the leader of the church: You have the
book knowledge of leadership, but not the experience. Your teaching is
geared toward believers, and we need a more seeker-oriented speaker.
You don’t seem to be open to feedback.
I was irate! Anger mixed with youthful errors in my response led to
an ugly church dispute. Our church fight became the talk of the town. So
much so, that Dr. Gary Smalley called and invited me to breakfast.
When I heard that Gary wanted to help, I thought, Great! Gary
Smalley, the world’s relationship expert, is going to give me proven
strategies to fix the problems at this church. He is going to help
straighten out the staff, adjust the structure of the church and chase
off the “bad” leadership.
I was wrong. Gary did no such thing. Instead, he helped me examine my
heart. “Start from the beginning, Ted,” he said. “I want to hear
everything that happened.”
About halfway through my story about the struggles and difficulties I
was facing, Gary started to smile and praise God—out loud. I remember
looking at Amy and thinking, Gary Smalley is not the guy I thought he was. Why is he enjoying my pain?
After I had poured out my heart, sharing the naked truth that I had
never felt more like a failure in my entire life and that I was
wrestling with evil thoughts toward my coworkers, Gary said something
that changed my life and ministry outlook forever: “Ted, do you have any
idea how blessed you are? Most guys wait 5 to 10 years after seminary
to get these sort of trials, but you have been blessed to get it in the
first 5 months. If I put $100,000 on this table, it couldn’t pay for the
education you are getting. All I can think of is that God has very big
plans for you, and He is letting you go through this advanced graduate
class to get there. He is raising your threshold of pain.”
I have never forgotten those words because they forever changed how I
view ministry adversity. Through that conversation, I realized that the
situation at this church was not only a defining moment but
also that God intended it to be a refining moment in my life that would
forever change me to look more like Him. Gary Smalley became my mentor
that day. He blessed Amy and I by picturing a special future for us. We
have faced many critics since that day and I am sure we will face many
more. We decided that day that the blessing of one far outweighs the
criticism and praise of the many.
Are ministry setbacks, critics or unmet expectations discouraging
you? If so, lean into a seasoned leader to help you translate the
trials and frustrations into future ministry blessings. It will raise
your threshold of pain. Find a mentor pastor in your area. Invite him
into your life. Do not give all of your time and energy to the critics,
instead find one who will speak truth into your life and bless your
future ministry.
Donough O'Malley
The battle of the sexes probably started as far back as Adam and Eve.
Actually, the battle probably ensued when Eve first asked Adam to take
out the apple core. Regardless of how long the battle has been raging,
you can still put me on record as saying how glad I am there are
differences between the genders. My wife, Erin, has gifts that
complement mine, and I adore her femininity.
However, I'm not keen on celebrating some endless joust with Sir
Testosterone vying for victory over Lady Estrogen. A healthy marriage
does involve conflict — fighting even — but the resolution should be to
strengthen the union, not to knock a spouse off his or her mount so the
hand-to-hand combat is easier next time.
Marriage is a battle, but not against your spouse. It's a war against
our sin nature. Every marriage has a mortal enemy, a mighty nemesis
named selfishness.
Realities of marriage
When Erin and I
got married, I knew that I should "leave" my old life and "cleave" to my
wife — as the King James version of Genesis commands a man to do (Genesis 2:24).
But under pressure in the first months of our marriage, I was
double-minded. Memories of my independent, Greg-only priorities would
warm my thoughts, causing me to want to rekindle my single,
self-centered way of life.
I wanted to spend money on CDs, and Erin wanted to pay bills.
I wanted to play basketball five days a week or watch television until
the wee hours of the morning. Erin had other plans for me, such as
washing dishes. I thought living as a caveman was fine, and I had no
desire to buy into her Martha Stewart standards.
As I struggled with the difficult realities of marriage, I let
discontent weigh down my soul. Erin struggled even more than I did.
Depression and anxiety threatened to suffocate her. At that time in my
life, immaturity and pride kept me from taking responsibility for our
problems, so Erin sought counseling alone.
We were losing the war in our home.
Lessons from an ancient Chinese general
Ironically, concepts revealed in The Art of War,
a book written in the sixth century B.C., helped us resolve our battle
against selfishness — and seek peace. The advice offered by Chinese
philosopher-general Sun Tzu to his trainees can also help you fight to
improve your marriage. As recorded in the book, Tzu noted: "[War] is a
matter of life and death, a road either to safety or to ruin. Hence it
is a subject of inquiry which can on no account be neglected."
If you replace the word war with marriage, the message
is profound for couples. Twenty-four years ago when I married Erin, I
wanted a successful relationship. But our first few years together were
not filled with nuptial bliss. Because we were neglecting to wage the
war against self-centeredness, we were headed toward ruin.
The prospect of living out my marriage in misery frightened me. I could
choose to either run away — or work to resolve the problems. Because I
was committed to God and His values (see Malachi 2:16), I gave up the option of divorce. I had only one course of action:
I chose to fight for Erin's love, even if it killed me.
Hankerings for home
The Art of War
describes the shrewd strategy of eliminating the option of retreat so
that your soldiers stick to the war no matter the cost: "When your army
has crossed the border, you should burn the boats and bridges, in order
to make it clear to everybody that you have no hankering after home."
The option of retreat, or "hankering after home," must be eliminated in
your marriage. I call this the "burn the boats" marriage mentality. It's
the ultimate show of commitment to each other.
If spouses perceive that conquering marriage issues is the only way
forward — that divorce is not an option — their choices will be focused
on improving their marriage. Husbands and wives choose wisely when they
know that their life destinies are fused to another person's well-being.
They talk about their feelings, even if it's painful, instead of
pretending everything is fine. They refuse to dwell on the negatives
when their spouse ruffles their emotional feathers. They "let love and
faithfulness never leave" them (Proverbs 3:3, NIV).
To not "hanker after home" means a spouse has promised to stick out the battle, not just today but for as long as they both shall live. It's the first step toward eliminating a selfish attitude.
A widow's vow
There's
a great picture of love and commitment, with no option for retreat,
found in the Old Testament story of Ruth. This Moabite widow's initial
commitment to God and His people later leads to one of the great love
stories in the Bible.
Ruth makes a simple yet profound vow to her mother-in-law, a displaced
Israelite named Naomi. The tension of Ruth's story develops upon the
death of her husband, Mahlon, who provided financially for her and for
his mother, Naomi, while they all lived in Moab. After Mahlon's death,
Naomi decides to return to her homeland, Bethlehem. She forbids Ruth
from coming with her and encourages her to find a new husband from among
the Moabites. The story picks up in Ruth 1:16
where Ruth says to Naomi, "Do not urge me to leave you or to return
from following you. For where you go I will go, and where you lodge I
will lodge. Your people shall be my people, and your God my God."
Ruth makes this promise, in essence, pledging her life to serve the living God. Next, she vows to leave her life
with the Moabites. She denounces her former polytheistic religion, her
homeland and her emotional and financial ties to blood kin. Ruth 1:17
captures the young widow's depth of commitment: "Where you die I will
die, and there will I be buried. May the LORD do so to me and more also
if anything but death parts me from you." Ruth never looks back on her
former life, vowing to serve God and Naomi until she dies.
Today, many couples choose to symbolize their commitment to marriage by
using a unity candle at their wedding. This short ceremony is powerful
because it represents the dying to self that's essential to a healthy
marriage relationship. Once the unity candle is lit, the original two
candles — representing separate lives — are snuffed to show a commitment
to the one new life the couple is beginning.
Unfortunately, the circumstances surrounding my own married life didn't
parallel the unity portrayed by Ruth or the commitment symbolized by the
unity candle. I needed God's help.
A powerful force
In
addition to selfishness, another enemy of our marriages
is Satan. Because he knows that your marriage could be used for God's
kingdom, Satan fears it. Thus, he works tirelessly to destroy Christian
marriages. Ephesians 6:12
clarifies this for us: "For our struggle is not against flesh and
blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the
powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in
the heavenly realms (NIV)."
Identify the weak areas in your spiritual relationship
and then consider what sacrifices you can make to strengthen that part
of your marriage. Use the power of God's Spirit to help you ward off the
Enemy's attacks.
Here are some practical ways you can declare open war against evil in your marriage:
If you are too busy, consider which activities you can give up to strengthen your marriage.
Work out your spiritual connection so that the man is the leader in your home (Ephesians 5).
Let go of stereotypical ideas about what leadership in the home
should look like. Women, encourage your husband to lead in ways that
reflect his strengths. Some examples may include providing for the
family, connecting to God through the outdoors, encouraging your
children or volunteering at church. Men, be willing to try new roles or
activities that best support your wife.
Maintain a healthy devotion time so God can show you where you need to grow. Repent of and abandon the sin in your life.
If your spouse is feeling ignored or overlooked, pick up your interest level. Invest some time in pleasing your spouse.
Open your closed or hardened hearts to God. This will help both of you be better able to resolve conflict.
Forgive as God forgave you. Let go of resentments.
Because
every marriage has two enemies, selfishness and Satan, it's essential
that couples stay engaged in the battle for a thriving marriage. Rather
than allowing discouragement to weigh you down or frustration to drive
you apart, acknowledge your differences and enlist in the fight against
your sin nature. Developing your own art of war is a great plan for
proactive engagement that keeps the Enemy at bay and your hearts united.
Date Night
Here are some suggestions for a date night designed to increase the commitment level of your marriage.
In honor of Chinese philosopher-general Sun Tzu, author of The Art of War, cook a Chinese meal together or buy Chinese food at a sit-down restaurant or take-out chain.
Ask your spouse the following questions:
What was the most important part of our wedding vows?
What things do you see that demonstrate I have "burned the boats" and am committed to you?
What was most difficult about "burning the boats" for you?
True
listening requires you to be fully present — clearly and intentionally
focused on your spouse. Intent focus shows that your whole heart, soul,
mind and body are present.
by John McGee
If you’re looking for a way to build a healthy congregation, build
healthy marriages. If you’re looking for a way to build healthy
marriages – make sure you honor marriage in your congregation. Most
pastors understand that healthy marriages make healthy churches, so they
look for marriage programs and strategies. However before a church
begins to implement strategies it needs to have a Hebrews 13:4 culture
where marriage is honored among all. There are many ways a congregation
can honor marriage. Here are a few practical ideas to get you thinking. Honor Big Anniversaries. I recently presided over a
vow renewal service for a couple that had been married 40 years.
Although the ceremony was smaller than their wedding, the vows had a
much larger meaning 40 years later. At a wedding, the guests hope the
couple will keep their vows, at a vow renewal guests celebrate the ways
the couples have kept them. It struck me as upside-down given that so
much time, energy, and money is spent on weddings when couples start,
and so little is made of those that actually have made it. Everyone
leaves a wedding encouraged to be in love like the young couple.
Everyone left that 40-year celebration with a clearer picture of
covenant commitment and motivated to commit to their spouse in the same
way. Maybe one of the best ways to honor marriages is to find ways to
honor those who have kept their vows and are providing an example for
the church. Teach on marriage. Some churches are giving up
teaching on marriage, or apologizing when they do so as not to offend
those who are single. A wise pastor can acknowledge that not everyone is
married but that some of them will be in the future, and all of them
know married people they can help. A few well-crafted sentences are all
that’s required before a pastor teaches unapologetically to the whole
congregation. Some churches teach on evangelism or giving every year,
and the congregation learns these are important actions to their fate.
If your congregation is going to honor marriage and be characterized by
strong families, you’ll have to teach on marriage with some frequency. Celebrate great role models. People gravitate
towards what you celebrate, and churches have many great examples to
celebrate. For example the next time you have a men’s Bible study, hold a
contest for the husband who takes his wife on the best date. Besides
providing a fun outlet for competition this communicates that being a
great husband is something that is valued at your church. It also gives
tangible examples that others can follow. Something similar could
definitely be done for women or even as couples. Churches generally do a
good job celebrating their best volunteers in hopes that others will
volunteer as well. If you celebrate great husbands and wives, others
will often follow their lead. Help Singles Honor Marriage. Several years ago our
singles ministry teamed up singles in groups of 4 to come and babysit in
the homes of married couples so they could go out on a date. The idea
was that singles would have a tangible way to honor marriage, and when
the married couple returned from their date they could talk
relationships or anything else the group wanted to discuss. Personally
my wife and I had a great date and really enjoyed talking into the
evening with our new single friends. A few years later I actually
married two of the people that watched our kids that night – I’d call
that a success all the way around. You obviously need to think through
safety issues in this example, but as you look for ways to honor
marriage, don’t forget to involve those that aren’t married. Program for strong marriages. In a single calendar
year, churches will have a retreat for youth, singles, college, women,
and men, but not do anything for couples. I recently spoke at a marriage
retreat that went from Friday evening to Sunday morning. I asked the
pastor if he was going back early to teach Sunday morning services. He
replied “No way. I told our church this was important, and for me to
leave might say otherwise.” Not surprisingly, this pastor who
participated and programmed for strong marriages had a congregation full
of great marriages. You can program as elaborately as a marriage
conference or as simply as encouraging everyone in the congregation to
date. As you look at your next season of ministry, ask if your calendar
and programs demonstrate that your congregation honors marriage.
Honoring marriage isn’t difficult or complicated, but it does take
some planning and prioritizing. As you begin planning and prioritizing
for your next ministry season, what will you do to create a congregation
that honors marriage? It’s hard to imagine anything having a bigger
impact on the health of your church.
“Marriage is made up of those million mundane little moments.”
I
have read most of the popular books on marriage and romance. I know
what they say. They say that you need to have a regular date
night—weekly, preferably—and that this is a key, maybe even the
key, to a healthy marriage. Some of them go further still and say that
you don’t only need a date night, but the two of you need to get away
together at least once or twice every year. How else can your
marriage thrive?
I know what these well-meaning authors mean to accomplish. I know
what they are saying and I know why they say it. But I don’t buy it. I
don’t buy the necessity of it. I don’t think you need a date
night. I don’t think your marriage will necessarily suffer without it. I
don’t think you ought to feel guilty if you don’t schedule it every
week, or every month for that matter. It may be a good thing, but it
isn’t a necessary thing.
Aileen and I have never made date nights a regular (and certainly not
weekly) occurrence. We haven’t ever felt the need. We have never even
really felt the desire to go out that often. And I think we’re doing OK
without them.
Don’t get me wrong. I enjoy going out with her, whether that’s for
dinner or dessert or an evening with friends. I enjoy escaping for a
night or two together when the opportunity presents itself. There is no
one in the world with whom I would rather spend an evening or weekend.
But I don’t often crave those times.
Why? Because I also enjoy going to the gym with her or just stepping
out for a quick evening walk around the block. I enjoy wandering the
aisles of Home Depot or Ikea with her as we catch up on those little
household errands. I enjoy helping her make dinner and I enjoy it when
she helps me do the dishes or when we team up to make the kids’ lunches.
I especially enjoy sitting on the couch together to watch Antiques Roadshow (still the best show on television!) or Downton Abbey
or whatever else we’re into. I enjoy lying in bed next to her as each
of us devours whatever book we are reading at the moment. I just plain
enjoy her. I enjoy doing life alongside her—normal life. With all the time we spend doing life together, and all the satisfaction we derive from it, we are quite content. (Yes, she read this article and gave her assent!)
Marriage is made up of date nights and romantic weekends. But far
more it is made up of those million mundane little moments. More than it
is dancing and candlelight and bed and breakfasts, it is doing chores
together, driving to church together, watching a miniseries together,
eating meals together. It has been my experience that the more we enjoy
those ordinary moments and the more we find satisfaction and
significance in them, the less we need or even desire those
extraordinary occasions.
I know couples who have neither common interests nor common
activities, and they thrive through their regularly scheduled date
nights. I understand that, and I’m genuinely happy for them! I know
others who just love to be out and about and, again, thrive with their
date nights. But for us, the best nights, the nights we love, the nights
we crave, are the most normal nights of all. And we are delighted
with that.
Have
you noticed “busy” has become the new “fine"? When someone asks you how
you are, chances are, your default answer is, “Good, busy, but good.”
We’ve all heard the research that shows us the affects of stress and
busyness in our lives, but what if our harried pace is keeping us from
the life we are created to live?
We live in a culture that tells us we have to do more, be more and
achieve more. We all want to live full lives, full of meaning and
purpose, but it is our busyness that often robs us of living out our
potential.
Contrary to what many of us have been told, we can’t handle it all, nor should we.
Contrary to what many of us have been told, we can’t handle it all,
nor should we. So how do we know when we’re reaching our limit? We
aren’t like our phones with flashing numbers to tell us we’ve reached
our capacity. But there are signs our body gives us if we’re paying
attention, signs that may look different for each of us. For some, the
warning signs may be emotional. For others, they might be physical,
relational, or spiritual. But rest assured, if you are over capacity,
you will soon find out—the hard way.
An Inability to Control Your Emotions
Do you constantly feel anxious, irritable, depressed and overwhelmed?
All of these are signs that something isn’t right. Out-of-control
emotions often reflect the out-of-control demands we put on ourselves.
Lack of Self-Care
If we already have a full plate of obligations and crazy commitments,
the last thing most of us want to do is spend time planning healthy
meals, working out or taking care of our physical health or appearance.
That just sounds like more work. Taking care of yourself may seem
selfish, but self-care is one of the most other-centered choices you can
make in your life.
Illness
There was a season in my life when I simply could not get well. I
lived with a cold, a sinus infection, a stomach bug, or the flu almost
all the time. I remember telling a doctor once, “You have to help me. I
am sick of being sick!”
He said, “Alli, is it possible you’re stressed?”
Constant illness can be a sign of many things, and of course, you
should see your doctor if you’re struggling in this area. But illness
can also be your body’s warning to you that you need to make changes in
your life.
(See what I did putting this section after self care? A lack of
self-care often leads to ongoing illness. I told you self care wasn’t
selfish!)
Chronic Lateness
I know I’m about to step on some toes here (mine most of all!), but I
believe chronic lateness is caused by the tendency to say yes to too
many activities and too many people. It’s a crazy cycle of trying to be
all things to all people and to do more than is humanly possible. In the
end, we can’t get anywhere on time or accomplish everything we say we
will, and we end up disappointing everyone because the weight of it all
is too much.
It’s crucial to recognize that we all have limits.
It’s crucial to recognize that we all have limits. When you are over
your limits, the right thing to do is to let someone who has capacity
step in and run with it. You aren’t letting anyone down. You are
stewarding your time and energy well.
Self-Medicating and Excess
When the demands of life become too much, self-medicating is a very
common response. To be honest, overeating sweets is a problem for me.
It’s something I have struggled with throughout my life. I am absolutely
a work in progress in many areas. This is one of them.
Self-medicating might also take the form of obsessive exercise, too
many hours on social media, or watching a lot of television instead of
getting much-needed sleep. Sometimes we can fool ourselves into thinking
self-medicating is actually self-care — “I deserve that chocolate bar!”
But if we find that our habits are directly related to stressful
situations in our lives, and that they are not renewing or restoring us,
then we need to recognize those choices as a warning sign of busyness.
We need to ask ourselves if escaping reality just seems like an easier
choice than reducing our to-do list.
Whether
it is overindulging or a serious addiction, self-medicating is a
serious warning sign. Left ignored, it can bring disaster to our lives.
Neglecting Important Relationships
Do you feel as if you are habitually letting down the people closest
to you: your husband, children, close friends, family, and colleagues?
It’s easy to feel guilty about these things. And once we start feeling
just a twinge of guilt, it’s all over. The onslaught of pressure and
guilt we heap on ourselves outweighs any positive feedback anyone else
gives us.
Neglecting God
A huge sign that I am over capacity is when I start skipping church
because I have too much to do, and I don’t pray because I need to dive
straight into work. Staying connected to God is what keeps me operating
within my capacity and what helps me understand that God made me with
limitations on purpose. Having a limited capacity is not a flaw in my
character. It is by glorious design and for an incredible purpose: to
realize my need for Him.
Life doesn’t have to be lived on the edge of burnout. It’s crucial to
start breaking busy before the busy starts breaking you. And breaking
busy doesn’t mean you have to do less (unless that is, in fact, what you
need to do), it means you give your time and energy to the things that
you are created to do, not the things you feel you should do out of
obligation or expectation.
Jonathan Malm helps people uncover creative options for their life and their church. He’s the author of Created for More, a 30-day devotional to help you develop a more creative mind. You’ll find him ... Read More
I
have a friend who’s a tragic dreamer. He’s constantly flitting between
obsessions. One month he wants to open a bar, the next he wants to be a
male model. With each new obsession, I hear about how it’s his greatest
dream. And with each new obsession, he invests a ton of money.
Unfortunately, these dreams never turn out to be lucrative. Worse, he
has a family that suffers each time he pursues his half-baked schemes.
We all know someone like that. And I think the temptation is to worry
that our dreams might be as silly as that guy’s. I know I’ve worried
about that. I have dreams, and I know that’s good. But what if my dreams
are silly? What if they’re turning me into that guy?
How do you know when it’s time to walk away from a dream? If the
dream changes each month, it isn’t as scary to walk away from one and
embrace another. But if you’ve devoted time, money and emotional energy
into a certain dream, it can feel like a death in the family to give it
up.
How do you know when it’s time to move on?
Obviously a decision as big as this needs loads of prayer. Only God
can give you the green light to walk away from a dream. But I see three
scenarios that might indicate it’s time.
When It Goes Against Your Nature
I love George Clooney’s character in the movie Up in the Air.
He’s a confident, ruthless operator who has made it his job to fire
people. He’s surgical in his approach. It’s the exact opposite of who I
am.
Walk away from one dream and discover the dream God has for you—one greater than you could possibly imagine.
As much as I admire his ability to do something like that, if I were
to try it I’d become depressed. I couldn’t handle the gut wrench that
comes along with firing people. It’s against my nature. I’m a gentle,
empathetic soul. I don’t know that I’d be able to separate my emotions
from those of the person I’m firing.
So if I had a dream to become the next Ryan Bingham (Clooney’s character), I should probably walk away.
A great dream should tap into the core of who you are. If it doesn’t
line up with that, it’s probably a sign it’s not the right dream for
you.
When It Causes You to Neglect a Dream From God
Part of what makes my dreamer friend such a piteous character is that
he’s neglecting the responsibility of his family. A long time ago, God
gave him a dream to be a husband and father that provides. But now, his
secondary dreams are often causing him to neglect the primary one—a
dream directly from God.
I believe we have no business pursuing our dreams if they conflict with God-given ones.
There are three things that are necessary to find out if God gave you the dream. A dream from God will: 1. Ultimately bring glory to God. 2. Bless and benefit others. 3. Seem bigger than what you can handle on your own.
If your dream doesn’t fall into those categories and it’s causing you to neglect a dream that is from God, it’s definitely time to walk away. There are better and bigger dreams to pursue.
When You Have to Compromise Your Beliefs to Make It Happen
Finally, a dream worth pursuing shouldn’t require compromising your morals. We see an example of this in the life of Abraham.
In Genesis 15, Abraham was given a dream that he and his wife would
have a son. Abraham’s offspring were supposed to bless and benefit
others. But the dream seemed impossible, because Sarah was growing old
and hadn’t had any children yet.
Time was ticking away, and the dream wasn’t getting any closer to
being fulfilled. So Abraham and his wife had the opportunity to
compromise. While, technically, Abraham could impregnate another woman
and have sort of surrogate pregnancy, it wasn’t the dream God had given
them. It was the easy way out.
Read more at http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/maker/when-walk-away-your-dream#ZmtcEhipR7hQ1sL8.99
Chris Russell has spent the past 25 years actively involved in ministry
through pastoring, church planting, writing, Christian radio, and
special speaking around the country and in seven different countries. He
is passionate about communicating read more
When I was a young man, I seemed to continually wrestle with knowing
God’s will for my life. I wanted more than anything to follow His plan.
Interestingly, now that I’m “old” (currently 47 years old), I still
wrestle with doing His will in my life. I have come to learn that this
is not just something that a young person does early in life; it is a
lifelong pursuit in order to stay in the exact center of His plan.
So, then, how can we know God’s plan for our lives? Over the past
twenty-five years that I have been in ministry, I have discovered eight
vital keys to knowing God’s will. Here they are: 1) Walk with God.
For starters, if you are interested in knowing God’s plan for your
life, then you must learn to walk with God. You need to develop a
relationship with Him. Christianity is all about relationship rather
than just religion.
And so you must cultivate your relationship with God. You must seek to know Him and not just seek to know about Him.
You will cultivate that relationship best by spending time in His Word,
taking time for prayer, and taking every opportunity you can to be
involved in church and small group Bible study opportunities. When you seek these disciplines in your life, God will begin the first steps to revealing His plan to you.
Proverbs 3:5-6
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own
understanding; 6 In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He shall direct
your paths.
2) Surrender your will to God’s.
Many times when we say we are seeking God’s will, what we are really
wanting to say to God is this: “OK, God, here’s what I’m planning to do.
Now I need you to rubber stamp this, all right?” I must tell you that
this is not really effective in finding His true will.
Before God will begin to reveal His will to you, you must be committed
to doing whatever it is that He desires for you to do. God will likely
be slow to show you His plan if He knows you will likely not do that
plan anyway.
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that
you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God,
which is your reasonable service. 2 And do not be conformed to this
world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may
prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
Jesus was willing to die for us, so shouldn’t we be willing to live for
Him? When we surrender to Him, that is when He really begins to direct
our steps. 3) Obey what you already know to be God’s Will.
Many people seem to want to know what God’s plan is for their lives,
but they overlook the fact that 98% of His will is already delineated
carefully through His Word. God is very clear about many, many aspects
of His will. For instance, it is clearly His plan that we abstain from
sexual immorality (1 Thessalonians 4:3).
If we do not obey the things that God has shown us clearly to be His
will, why would we think He would reveal any further information
regarding His plan for our lives? Obedience is an important first step. 4) Seek godly input.
One key component to finding God’s will is to seek the input of godly
advisors in your life. If you don’t currently have 3-4 godly mentors,
then I would highly recommend that you seek them out right away.
Think of it this way: you should understand that you are basically a
composite of the five people you spend the most time with. So, then, it
is vital that you choose those five people well. If you choose to
surround yourself with godly advisors, they will be instrumental in
helping you discern God’s plan for your life. But if you surround
yourself with people who are far from God, your hope of finding His best
for your life will be greatly diminished.
Where there is no counsel, the people fall; but in the multitude of counselors there is safety.
The church is designed to help you greatly with this. I would encourage
you to be in church every single time the doors are opened. The more
you involve yourself with a community of believers, the greater your
chances will be of finding godly men and women who can help you discern
God’s will. 5) Pay attention to how God has wired you.
God has created you to fulfill a specific role in this world. There is
no one else who can achieve completely what God has purposely created
you to do.
The Apostle Peter gives us this admonition:
1 Peter 4:10
As each one has received a gift, minister it to one another, as good stewards of the manifold grace of God.
God has gifted every one of us to perform a special mission for which we alone were created. How amazing is that? Wow!
So, when you seek to discover God’s will for your life, pay attention
to how He has gifted you. His plan for you will always be directly
related to the gifts that He has bestowed upon you. The great news is
that you will automatically be good at whatever it is that He has called
you to do! 6) Listen to God’s Spirit.
I experienced a major turning point in my own prayer life when I learned simply to shut up while I was praying. That may sound odd to you, and it seemed odd to me at first.
You see, I used to do all the talking when I prayed to God. But then, several years ago, I read Bill Hybel’s book, Too Busy Not to Pray.
That book completely changed the way I approached God through prayer.
Since reading that book, I have added a significant component to my
prayer life: listening. I take time to listen to what God might have to
say to me.
Practically, the way I go about this is to bring a notepad with me when
I sit down to pray. Then I write at the top of several pages things
like the following:
“What is the next step in my career?”
“What is the next step in my ministry?”
“What is the next step for my family?”
“What is the next step for my marriage?”
“What is the next step in my education?”
“What is the next step in my finances?”
During my prayer time, I meditate on questions such as the above.
Often, God will start flooding my heart with ideas and information
regarding one or more of those questions. I write as fast as I can as He
speaks to my heart. What a glorious experience that is to sense His
Spirit on me, guiding my thoughts and words.
Through experiences like this, He has shown me many times with great
clarity what His will is for my life. I long for those experiences when
He speaks to me like that. Those times are truly life changing.
John 10:27
My sheep hear My voice, and I know them, and they follow Me.
7) Listen to your heart.
In addition to listening to the Spirit, I also recommend listening to
your heart. To understand my point here, consider the following passage:
4 Delight yourself also in the LORD, and He shall give you the
desires of your heart. 5 Commit your way to the LORD, trust also in Him,
and He shall bring it to pass. (NKJV)
I love this passage, because it shows me that, when I am walking with
the Lord, He will actually let me do many really cool things that I
actually love to do! When you are close to Him, He actually begins to
shape your desires so that you desire the things that He has already
called you to do.
So then, His plan actually becomes a super-exciting adventure. I always
have the most fun in life when I am doing God’s will. And that is
because He shapes my “wanter” to want to do the things for which He has
actually created me. 8) Take a look at your circumstances.
God often clearly demonstrates His plan for our lives by lining up
circumstances in obvious ways. And He also shows us what His will is NOT
for us to do in that same way. It is not His will for you to take the
job that is not offered to you. If you are 5’ 6” tall and weigh 125
lbs., it is not likely that God has created you to play professional
football.
Over the years, I have discovered that God is pretty good at opening
and closing doors. He even did that for the Apostle Paul and his
enterouge in Acts. Take a look at this passage:
Acts 16:6-10 6 Now when they had gone through Phrygia and the region of Galatia,
they were forbidden by the Holy Spirit to preach the word in Asia. 7 After they had come to Mysia, they tried to go into Bithynia, but the Spirit did not permit them. 8 So passing by Mysia, they came down to Troas. 9 And a vision appeared to Paul in the night. A man of Macedonia
stood and pleaded with him, saying, “Come over to Macedonia and help
us.” 10 Now after he had seen the vision, immediately we sought to go to
Macedonia, concluding that the Lord had called us to preach the gospel
to them.
So, even Paul had to face closed doors in his ministry. God often uses
closed doors to show us clearly what He does NOT want us to do. And He
also uses open doors at times to show us what He DOES want us to do. Of
course, this does not mean that every open door is definitely God’s
plan, but it does help to give you some basic direction. A Closing Thought:
The next time you begin to ponder God’s plan for your life, I would
encourage you to mull over the above eight keys. Use these principles to
help you to hone in on His plan. And when you seek His will earnestly,
you will find it! For more, visit Sensible Faith.
9 Ways to Entertain Your Toddler Without Using a Smartphone
You’re in a public place — say a restaurant or a doctor’s waiting
room — and it’s taking longer to get your food or have your name called
than you expected. Your toddler is starting to get restless. And cranky.
Real cranky. She’s whining and teetering on the edge of a crying fit,
and the other folks around you are glancing over with irritated,
disapproving looks.
You don’t have any toys or books on you, making it extremely tempting
to just shove your smartphone into your tyke’s pudgy little hands to
instantly shut off the waterworks.
But, the idea that you should turn to your phone whenever you feel
unhappy or bored is not exactly the kind of lesson you want to teach
her; you want her to grow up to be able to entertain herself, absent a
technological device. So you think about busting out some pen and paper
games like hangman or tic-tac-toe, but she’s preliterate and only
understands strategy in terms of figuring out how to poop so no one sees
her.
What to do?
Well, with a few completely accoutrement-free games in your
metaphorical back pocket, you can easily improvise some games that’ll
keep your little one happy and engaged before her chicken nuggets
finally arrive. Here are 9 fun, brain-boosting ideas to keep on deck;
some work better depending on age and ability, many can be modified to
meet your toddler’s level of cognition (which is right around that of a golden retriever), and some will be equally enjoyed by the preschooler set on up. Experiment and see what captures your kiddos’ attention.
1. Name That Tune
Hum a familiar song (“Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star,” “Old McDonald,” etc.), and see if your child can identity and name it.
2. What’s Missing?
This is a great one to do at the table at a restaurant. Take a few
objects — a fork, spoon, and sugar packet, for example — and tell your
kid to take a careful look at the collection. Then cover the items with a
napkin, and remove one of the items without them being able to see
which one (lift the end of the napkin nearest you for cover as you
withdraw the item). Now remove the napkin altogether, and ask your child
to name which item is missing.
3. Who Am I?
Pick an animal, and then let your kid ask questions to try to get at
your identity. E.g., “Do you roar?” “Do you live somewhere cold or hot?”
“Are you furry?”
4. Touch Something That Is….
Ask your child if she can touch something that is X color. “Can you
touch something that is red?” “Can you touch something blue?” She can
touch anything within her reach — the table, her clothes, your clothes,
etc. If it’s someplace where she can walk around without bothering other
people, you can make the game mobile.
5. Shape Hunt
Ask your children if they can see anything in their environment with a
certain shape. “What do you see that’s a circle?” “What do you see
that’s a triangle?”
6. I Spy
Classic entertainment that’s good for the slightly older kid who’s
able to process the idea behind this guessing game. Pick an object both
you and your kid can see, and then say, “I spy something, and it’s
____.” If your child has a basic understanding of the alphabet and a
modest vocabulary, fill in the blank with a letter. “I spy something,
and it begins with the letter C.” It can help to sound it out:
“Ca-Ca-Ca.” For the preliterate set who knows only their colors or
shapes, substitute those categories instead. You can also describe the
objects’ properties: “I spy something, and it’s rough and scaly/smooth
and shiny.”
7. What Is Different?
You do need a pencil and paper for this, but that shouldn’t be a problem since like all great men in history, you’ve adopted the habit of carrying a pocket notebook with you.
Divide a piece of paper into a quadrant. In three squares, draw the
same shapes/pictures/pattern. In the fourth square, draw something
different. So for example, you could draw dogs in three of the squares
and a cat in the fourth, or a triangle in three of the squares, and a
square in another. Have your kid point to the panel that differs from
the rest. The more advanced your child, the harder you can make it; try
doing 5 circles in three of the squares, and 6 in the fourth, or
different patterns like XXOOXX in three squares, and XXOXX in the
fourth.
8. Simple Riddles
Come up with easy riddles for your child to solve. For example: “I
have four legs and am covered in fluffy white wool. What I am?” or “I’m
shaped like a circle, I have two hands, and numbers all around me. What
am I?”
9. Hidden in the Hand
Let your kid see your open, empty hands. Then put an object like a
coin in one of your hands and close both of them. Put you hands behind
your back and switch the object back and forth between them. Bring your
closed hands back in front of you, and ask your child to guess in which
one the object is. Ideas found in The Everything Toddler Activities Book
by John McGee
A few years ago my wife and I were vacationing with some friends on
Vancouver Island. We were driving around looking for some
off-the-beaten-path point of interest when suddenly we came upon a home
with the most amazing garden I had ever seen. Right there in the middle
of the road, I put the car in park and, like a moth to a flame, started
walking towards the house, captivated by what I saw. My wife and friends
found a parking place for the car I had abandoned, and they joined me
to stand and admire the beauty.
As we stood there taking in the scene, the couple that owned the home
came out and invited us inside the gate to show us around. As we
walked, they told us about all of the different flowers, what kind of
soil and light they needed, and how they had been working for years to
optimize all of their plants. They had been working hard for years and
were thoroughly enjoying the fruits of their labor.
As they walked us back to our car, the couple asked me about our
garden. I responded sheepishly, “We really don’t have much of one.” Then
they asked us who was looking after our garden while we were away from
home. I simply said, “I don’t do much to it when I am home, so it never
even occurred to me to have someone tend to it while I was gone.”
They had been constantly working their garden. We had constantly been
neglecting ours. Both of our gardens reflected the amount of effort we
put in. As I thought later, I realized that we both really had the
gardens we wanted. They wanted an amazing garden so they worked hard and
created what they wanted. I had hopes for a garden like that, but I
didn’t want it bad enough to do that much about it.
After working with thousands of marriages I have come to realize
that, as long as both partners are willing, people basically have the
marriage they want. They may hope for something greater, but their
marriages reflect the amount of effort, intentionality, and sacrifice
they put into it.
Everyone on your block has the same soil and opportunity for a great
garden, but, if you drove through our neighborhood, you would see the
results vary wildly. Similarly, every couple basically has the same
opportunity to create a great marriage, but the quality from couple to
couple couldn’t be more different. Reading books about gardening is much
easier than actually gardening. Reading books about marriage is always
easier than communicating with your spouse and pulling up the weeds that
choke out intimacy or doing things that nourish the relationship.
As a husband, dad, pastor, homeowner, and friend there are many
things vying for my attention. The areas I focus on seem to thrive, and
the ones that I neglect, like my lawn and garden, reflect the lack of
attention. As a pastor, there is no shortage of things you can give your
best energy and intentionality to. But if there is one area which
deserves your best effort, it should definitely be your marriage.
Pastors who don’t have marriages that are thriving can be tempted to
think that there are somehow different laws of relationships that apply
to them or that they are uniquely busy. Just as those in your
congregation have the marriages they truly want, so do you as a pastor.
We now live in a different home than we did when we encountered the
expert gardeners from Canada, but not much has changed in terms of our
intentionality to our lawn and garden. At the beginning of this summer,
the entire family was in our yard. I announced that at some point next
summer we would win yard of the month. Everyone looked around our yard
and laughed. There is no where to go but up, but yard of the month
seemed to border on the impossible to all of us.
Will we finally get around to pulling up some of the old mangled
bushes that need to go? Will I fix the few sprinkler heads that don’t
work like they should? I’m not sure, but I know that my soil is no
different than my neighbor’s, and I have all the possibilities they do. I
don’t know if there will be a “Yard of the Month” sign staked
prominently in our lawn, but I do know that next summer, we’ll have the
lawn and garden we want. It will be a perfect reflection of how much
attention and priority we have given it.
Your marriage may have weeds, brown spots, or lack color, but one
year from now, you will have the marriage you want. I hope you don’t get
distracted from your goal, and I hope you don’t get distracted from
creating the marriage you want: one that would be a blessing to you,
give honor to God, and model the love of God for the world and your
congregation.
Although you might not be able to write a book about gardening I’ll
bet you have taught a great sermon at some point about marriage. I’m
sure it was filled with very sound and helpful advice, so you probably
don’t have to read another marriage book. You can just put into practice
the advice you have given others.
Spice Up Your Marriage: Becoming a Spiritual Leader
by Tim Popadic
Pastors, we all know you get “paid” to be the spiritual leader, but what about being the spiritual leader at home?
(You don’t get paid for that.) Here’s a little secret: Many wives will
agree that “spiritual leadership” is at the very top of the list of love
needs.
For sure, one of the hardest hurdles to climb in marriage is
spiritual intimacy. There are tons of books and resources to help you
think this through, but who’s got time for all of that? So here’s a
helpful starting tip — Please do not go out and buy the biggest
couples devotional books and force-feed your spiritual side. Rather, be
intentional, and take your first step today.
Here’s a great way to start. When you wake up in the morning, reach
over to your spouse, and gently place your hand on her shoulder or arm.
In a very soft but audible way begin to offer up a simple prayer over
her. Simple as in 30 seconds, max. “Lord help (insert wife’s name) today
as she goes about her day. I know she has a medical appointment; give
her your peace. Please help her be patient with the kids today, and
thank you for my bride. I love her, and we love you Lord. Amen.” There’s
a strong possibility that your wife will pretend to be asleep, but
trust me, she’s listening to every word, and it’s feeding her soul.
So this simple act increased your spiritual intimacy, and your spouse heard you
taking an interest in her and in her day (instead of your ministry).
Congratulations, you’re now one step closer to improving your marriage
and becoming the spiritual leader that God intends for you to be! Commit
to this simple 30-second challenge over the next few weeks, and I
guarantee that your marriage will be spicier.
NBedov/iStock/Thinkstock
Falling in love is easy.
It involves butterflies and long walks
on moonlit beaches. You hear wedding bells, see fireworks and fall into
something that feels perfect.
Staying in love, however, is not so easy.
Once
the initial shine of new love has worn off, obstacles and hurdles
appear seemingly out of nowhere. There are warts; there are regrets —
there is baggage.
Sometimes, staying in love feels impossible.
Though
divorce statistics jump all over the place, there is little denying
that we are a culture prone to giving up on love. We are a culture that
believes when the going gets tough, the tough just go. We run from the
pain and challenges in our relationships and wonder how we could ever
feel so far from someone we once felt so close to.
But what if staying in love is possible?
What if working hard, instead of giving up, is the key to passionate,
long-lasting, true love? What if real relationship starts when we get
real about staying in love?
We've all wondered what it's like to
be truly treasured by someone. To be needed and missed and loved. Not
just for a long weekend or even a decade, but for 20 years, 30 years, 40
years and more.
I believe it is possible to experience a love
that goes the distance. It's a gift God longs to give us, and there are
four things we can do to accept that gift:
Make love a verb.
For
many of us, the concept of love is difficult because we never learned
the right form of love. We focus on the external qualities of love and
ignore the internal. We treat love like a noun. It's an experience that
happened. A moment. A thing.
But in John 13:34, we see a different
side of love. John says, simply and honestly, "Love one another." It is
not a one-time event. It is not a fireworks feeling or a field of
flowers. It's an action. A verb. It's not just about choosing the right
person; it's about becoming the right person, the type of person who
loves the way Christ loved us.
Put your spouse first.
For
years, I waged steady opposition to my wife's plan to add a garden to
our yard. I reasoned that when you consider all the time and money
invested in a garden, you're no better off than if you'd bought your
veggies at the grocery store. Besides, the crop I care about (coffee
beans) grows on trees, not in gardens.
For a long time, I had a
good case going ... until I read Philippians 2:3 again: "Do nothing out
of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others
better than yourselves." I wish that were a complicated verse with
multiple Hebrew variations. But it's pretty simple: Value others (in
this case, your spouse) above yourself.
Don't try to prove you're
smarter or better at the family budget. Plant your wife a garden. In
order to stay in love, we need to change our approach to determining
what is valuable. We have to demonstrate an interest in things because
they are interesting to the people we are interested in. By doing this,
we learn to put our spouse first. (Watch Andy Stanley talk more aboutputting your spouse firstin a video clip from his Staying in LoveDVD.)
Pay attention to your heart.
Imagine
you are a mug with thousands of tiny beads inside. Each bead represents
a negative feeling or painful experience or unfulfilled expectation.
You are careful to keep them inside. Then you meet someone and think she
just might be the future Mrs. Mug. So, you are gentle and thoughtful
around her. You make certain that as few beads as possible spill out on
the road to the altar.
But a month or a year later, suddenly
there's an issue: She gets upset for no apparent reason; or you don't
call, though you said you would; or she feels ignored. Your mugs bump
into each other, jostling your beads. Jealousy spills out. Anger
overflows. All the stuff that was hidden during the courtship is on
display.
This is the type of situation the Bible anticipates when
it implores us to guard our hearts. When your emotional "beads" get
bumped, stop and think about what you are feeling before you speak. Name
what you are feeling with specific words: "I feel jealous" or "I feel
angry." When you name your feelings, they lose their power. If
appropriate, tell your spouse what's going on in your heart. Healthy
people stop doing hurtful things when they learn what the issues are.
And they stay in love by paying attention to their hearts.
Fill the gaps.
In
every relationship, there are gaps between what is expected and what
actually happens. We have fairytale views of how marriage will be, and
they fail to materialize. We have expectations of how a spouse should
act at a dinner party, and that doesn't go as planned. We have ideas
about when our partner should come home at night, and the reality is
different. Gaps open up all around us.
When that happens, we have
two choices: We can believe the best, trusting that there is a
reasonable explanation for our spouse's behavior. Or we can assume the
worst, reading disrespect, hurt and a thousand other things into those
situations.
Into those gaps, 1 Corinthians 13 walks boldly. Long
used in weddings, these popular verses describe the nature of love.
Beyond the verses about love's patience and kindness, we find a plea for
the gaps. We find help for the holes. Verse 7 says love "always
protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."
In a
marriage, that means when you have a chance to doubt or trust, you
trust. When you have a chance to give up or hope, you hope. When you
have a chance to quit or persevere, you persevere.
One of the most
powerful ways to fill the gaps is to believe the best about your
spouse. Such an attitude communicates, "I trust you. Even before I hear
your explanation, I trust you."
It is possible to stay in love,
but it does take more than fireworks and moonlit beaches. Falling in
love only requires a pulse. Staying in love? That requires a plan.
Watch Andy Stanley talk about putting your spouse firstin a video clip from his Staying in Love DVD. Andy Stanley is a pastor, author and founder of North Point Ministries.
This article first appeared in the November/December 2010 issue of Focus on the Family's Thriving Family magazine.
Did you enjoy this article? Read more like it in Thriving Family, a marriage and parenting magazine published by Focus on the Family.
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