The Pastor and Marriage

October 10, 2016

by Shane Stanford
My wife and I married young—far too young, perhaps. Like so many young couples, we had stars in our eyes. But we were not naive. In fact, we married against the hurried backdrop of difficult circumstances. I was born a hemophiliac and, at age 16, discovered that my medicines were contaminated with HIV. My future wife and I started dating just weeks before the diagnosis. We have literally faced this mountain together.
Just a few months before our wedding, I had been appointed as the pastor of a small, dwindling inner-city church. The aging congregation of forty people welcomed us warmly, but they were dealing with problems of their own: their neighborhood was not what they remembered, and it now looked very different from the one just across the street.
Alongside these stressors, my wife and I faced other issues that would affect our marriage—though at the time we did not realize how much. Both of us were products of divorce. Our childhoods had been strained. We had both spent lots of time being shuttled back and forth between parents for monthly visitation, summers, and holidays. The experience of coming from broken homes framed our marriage in powerful ways. So did the impact of various other ‘broken places’. In spite of this, we kept moving forward through our unfolding timeline: college, graduate school, our first fulltime appointment as pastor of a congregation, and then as church planters. Though most people around us saw nothing but a happy, loving couple, the truth was very different. With so much swirling around us, my wife and I could not find a place to land.
By year seven of our marriage, we had built a strong future for everything but our life together. Our ministry was successful and our church was thriving. Nevertheless, we were sailing into a season that many do not survive. And we lived our home life as though passing in the darkness. Each day was becoming far more work than it should have been. As my wife and I descended into the abyss of hurt and regret, we kept trying to see over the horizon to what would happen next. But we could never get the full view.
That is when God taught us to stop watching the long haul and to make each day mean something. We decided to take life in smaller steps – one day, one week at a time. In the process, we came to realize that each day played its own part in God’s redemption of our marriage. The God who created everything also created a tangible reminder that a ‘new beginning’ is possible at least every 24 hours.
But we did more than survive. We re-created our marriage. Now, more than twenty-five years into our journey as man and wife, not only have we established a strong marriage but we have watched God establish a core of love, respect, and forgiveness that continues to amaze and challenge us. Though we continue to face medical and other issues that may never go away this side of eternity, we live a blessed life – not an easy one, mind you – but most certainly ‘blessed’. With the gift of three beautiful daughters and more than one dream fulfilled, we remain in awe of God’s provision. How did we do it?
Well, the journey of a pastor and his or her family is complicated by unique issues. Sure, any job has its requirements and responsibilities. But the strains on a pastor and pastor’s family are well-known for being particularly challenging.
As difficult as pastoring could be on my family, I found it was my “giving in” to those pressures and expectations that did the most damage. My timidity in setting clear boundaries allowed the Adversary to slip into my home.
One day, I decided enough was enough.
The following are five principles, my wife and I use to re-create our marriage… every day.

1. Reality

First, I had to make sure that my world was grounded in reality. I had to realize that my wife and I represented a complex combination of our parents, our extended families, our past hurts, dreams and fears. Together, we made it a point to remember that we are human beings with significant imperfections that only God can love. We faced the fact that, if we were truly to love each other, we had to accept each other as Christ had accepted us.

1. Fidelity

Scripture states that sexual and emotional intimacy is reserved for marriage only. Though many people worry about sexual infidelity in a marriage, I believe more pastors fall prey to the emotional variety. The Church, if not checked and held to faithful boundaries, becomes a ‘mistress’ in its own powerful way. I once heard a pastor friend say, ‘I am not called to be successful; I am called to be faithful’. Our marriages are the same. Pastors cannot be faithful in their vocation if they don’t learn to be faithful in their marriage convenant first.

1. Accountability

We are our spouse’s best cheerleader and critic, and they are ours. But we must learn to function wisely in this position. A “covenant” gives another person permission to enter into the deepest places of our humanity—and then make comments. One of our great tasks in the marriage covenant is to “speak truth in love” while also “loving the truth” as we find it in each other. Ecclesiastes 4:9,10 says: Two are better than one because they have a good return for their hard work. If either should fall, one can pick up the other….

1. Transparency

One of the Adversary’s best tools is secrets. Secrets not only eat away trust but also our confidence in our marriages. Transparency is a secret-killer. Paul says in Ephesians 4:13b, 15: “God’s goal is for us to become mature adults—to be fully grown, measured by the standard of the fullness of Christ…by speaking the truth with love, let’s grow in every way into Christ…”

1. Tenacity

Marriage is the most difficult task or relationship in which you will ever take part. Sure, the formula is, at times, daunting and confusing. But the combining of two human beings who are on the same journey does not happen at one moment of one day at one single altar. No, it is an act of holy re-creation. Scripture reminds us that God “makes all things new”. But the Creation story is not easy or without effort. Quite the contrary, the Creation story is a story about hard work—so hard that even God decided to rest. Marriage, too, can be difficult. It sometimes takes more than everything we have. But it is worth it.
Every person, marriage, parent, or family wants a long, healthy future. But every successful journey begins with a first step … and a second … and so on.
My wife and I learned that every day means something within the scheme of God’s enduring hope for our family.
Today, my family’s deepest sense of peace comes from knowing that no matter how much we deal with in a day – serious medical issues, financial strains, relational and emotional struggles – just like anyone else, we can only deal with today. If we can make this day mean something, then tomorrow has a chance of taking on an even greater significance.
In Matthew 6, Jesus said, “Don’t worry about tomorrow…today is difficult enough.” Maybe the greater lesson is that “today is all any of us ever has.” Therefore, make Every Day something special.
Every week is a “Holy” week because God’s marches us toward a new beginning for our marriages, our parenting, our goals … our families.
Friends, this is your new day.

Filed Under: Helpful Articles: Married To A Pastor