My Life and Walk With God

Jumat, 07 Agustus 2015

Helping Your Teen Choose a College

by Jeanne Gowen Dennis

Download our free guide for helping your teen prepare for college. Get "College: A Guide for Parents and Teens" to find helpful tips and great insight for this next adventure in parenting.

My daughter, Christine, didn't have a clear direction for choosing a college. Throughout her junior and senior years, she searched catalogs, discussed options with friends and admissions counselors, and attended college information days — but no school seemed right. She felt overwhelmed by the pressure of making a decision that would affect the rest of her life.
To help her make the right choice, my husband and I prayerfully guided her in three distinct ways: fostering an understanding of her gifts and personality, helping her match a college's focus to who she was, and assisting her in facing the realities of finances and other practical factors.
Discover a teen's unique talents
As a parent, I recognized that Christine would need a college that fit her spiritually, academically and socially because it would be more than just an education: It would be her final preparation for adulthood. We first considered her strongest school subjects — music, history and English — but she didn't seem to prefer one over the others.

To help her better understand herself, my husband and I gave her questions to answer privately:
What have been your most fulfilling experiences?
What did you enjoy most about them?
Which skills or talents did you use most during these experiences?
Do you prefer working alone or on a team?
What ages do you enjoy working with most?
Which have been your least-fulfilling activities?
What made them unfulfilling?
What ideas or activities excite your imagination and inspire you to make a difference for others?

Once Christine viewed herself through her activities and experiences, she was ready to discuss the strengths, talents and weaknesses that my husband and I had observed in her. After much prayer, she realized that she loved working with teens, wanted to influence the culture for Christ and felt most fulfilled when she participated in drama, music or dance.
Match the school's strengths to the student's
College choices involve many factors. One is how a child will fit into a specific school. For Christine, we ranked what she wanted in a college from most to least important. The most important ranked something like this:

an atmosphere that would strengthen her faith and deepen her biblical worldview
professors who wouldn't intentionally undermine her belief in God
a godly approach to the teaching of the arts

Next we considered majors that matched Christine's strengths, which turned out to be theater, music and communications. Then we looked at each college's academic strength in those majors, along with its location, size, affordability, available scholarships, extracurricular opportunities, student-teacher ratio and graduate employment success rate. Much of this information was readily available online.
From all that, we were able to narrow our search to a handful of colleges. Before spending time and money on applications, Christine narrowed her choices to four schools that we could visit.
Sometimes visits reveal how a teen's perception differs from the school's reality. While prospective-student weekends are a good place to start looking at colleges, we found parent-child visits to the campus on regular days invaluable. During these visits, Christine stayed in a dorm and attended classes with students.
Face financial and other realities
Throughout her search, Christine remained aware of the realities she faced. My husband and I talked frankly with her about finances: what we could provide and what she would be responsible for. Together we weighed the potential value of each college with its overall cost.
Christine also considered holidays she might miss at home and the cost of traveling back and forth from out-of-state schools. As she vacillated, my husband and I were tempted to make the decision for her, but I'm glad we didn't. (One of Christine's friends attended a college her father chose for her, and although she did well there, she confessed later that she was unhappy.)
Ultimately, the best strategy for choosing the right college is early and continual prayer for God's guidance. Once Christine accepted the idea of leaving the state, her choice was obvious. She attended an out-of-state Christian college and became a high school theater director.
Recently, my husband and I watched a musical that Christine directed with her students. As we witness the impact she has on her students' lives and on her own children, I'm glad we took time to pursue God's plan for her college career.
Jeanne Gowen Dennis is the author of Homeschooling High School: Planning ahead for college admission.

A Boundless Romance

by Thomas Jeffries

After three months of dating, things were going so well that Kelly Bisby began to worry.
Not long ago, she was an unattached high school English teacher with lots of friends, a cat named Stella and a growing sense that she was destined to a life of singleness. Now she had a boyfriend — a wonderful boyfriend. An intelligent, compassionate man who shared her faith and respected her personal boundaries.
They were together for only a couple months when John told Kelly he was in love.
"When I say that," John explained, "I want you to know that I mean I can see myself spending the rest of my life with you."
Kelly melted.
Then she started to panic.
I'm terrified that this is all too good to be true, she thought, and that I'll wake up one day and he's no longer in love with me, or that he's not the man he claims to be.
Kelly wrote to Boundless — Focus on the Family's ministry to young adults — seeking relationship advice. Soon thereafter, she was listening to "The Boundless Show," the ministry's weekly podcast, when the host read a question from a listener.
"As they read the letter," she recalls, "I was thinking, That sounds like the letter I wrote in. … that sounds a lot like my letter. … that's my letter!"
John Peterson had decided it was time to pursue something other than work. To pursue someone.
"I don't remember thinking directly about marriage when I signed up for a dating site," he says. "But I was ready to get serious about a lasting relationship."
Thank goodness Kelly's younger sister is the meddling type. "I got a Facebook message saying that she'd set up an [online dating] account for me," Kelly says, "and that I should check it out."
Kelly looked around the site for a few weeks before she found John's profile. Kelly liked everything she read about him, and he lived only an hour's drive away. Thus the timid, modest daughter of a Southern Baptist preacher decided to send the first message.
A few weeks, dozens of emails and several phone conversations later, the two met at a Starbucks in Kelly's hometown of Fort Smith, Arkansas. Sure, it was awkward at first, but by the time their first date ended, they were talking like old friends. Kelly knew John was special, and John was thinking the same thing.
John had spent the previous year reading articles on Boundless.org, the ministry's website. Week after week, he says, he learned "how to love someone in a committed relationship, as well as some of the pitfalls people often fall into."
The Boundless staff knows that a record number of Americans today have never married and that singles are waiting longer than ever to commit. The problem isn't that young adults don't want to marry — they do — but many claim they simply don't know how to get or stay married to the right person.
Boundless exists, in part, to help young adults mature in life and faith, date with purpose and prepare for marriage. John mentioned Boundless to Kelly, and soon she, too, was reading the articles and blog posts. She also started listening to the weekly podcast.
"During our courtship," Kelly says, "Boundless was a way for us to communicate with each other about the stuff that really matters in a relationship.
"When John needed encouragement about work or his walk with God, I'd find an article that applied and send him a quote or paragraph, hoping to lift him up."
John made the drive to see Kelly several times a week, and they talked on the phone for hours. Things were going great, and John knew he was in love. So he decided to tell her.
That's when Kelly decided to contact Boundless.
"Should I be worried that this is all falling into place so quickly?" Kelly's letter said. "We've only known each other three months. At the same time, I know it's not good to drag out a courtship for years."
"The Boundless Show" host Lisa Anderson and advice columnist Candice Watters offered the letter writer some suggestions and helped assuage her fears. Good thing Kelly was listening, because on Valentine's Day — just three weeks after hearing the podcast — John presented her with a beautiful bound volume of all their correspondence… 75 pages worth.
"It was in that collection of letters that I would find," Kelly says, "less than one month later, a marriage proposal hidden in the final entry of the book." She said yes.

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The Healthy Way to Handle Conflict

By Rick Warren

Conflict happens. There’s no avoiding it.
Conflict happens at work, at school, in the home – even in the church! Many people try to ignore conflicts that arise, hoping the situation will just go away. It won’t.
When conflict comes up, you have to deal with it head on. If you’ve got a conflict with those you work with, or in your home or at school, deal with it quickly. Don’t let it fester. It’s a big mistake to think, “Let’s ignore it and hope it will go away.” I can tell you from experience, that doesn’t work. Ignoring conflict does not get rid of it.
Ephesians 4:26-27 (GN) says, If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin and do not stay angry all day. Don’t give the devil a chance. Some people are very surprised when they first read this verse. They ask, “Is it ever right for a Christian to get angry?” Yes. How do I know it’s all right for a Christian to get angry? Well, let me ask you this: Did Jesus ever get angry? Yes. Did Jesus ever sin? No. Evidently there are times when anger is appropriate.
The verse says, If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin. That implies that there is an anger that leads you into sin and there is an anger that doesn’t lead you into sin. There is a right way to get angry and there is a wrong way to get angry. How do you know the difference?
What’s the wrong kind of anger?
The wrong kind of anger is anger that is not resolved quickly. If you become angry, do not let your anger lead you into sin and do not stay angry all day. That’s giving the devil a chance. Resolve it quickly. Don’t be angry all day. The Phillips translation says, Never go to bed angry. That will keep a few of us up sometimes. If you said, “In our marriage, we’ll never go to bed angry,” you might resolve problems a little more quickly.
Don’t let anger hang on. Anger that is not dealt with turns into resentment and then into bitterness. Bitterness is always sin. Resentment is always sin. Those emotions are always wrong. Anger is OK. It’s an appropriate response. If you love, you ought to get angry sometimes. I get angry when I see people blowing their lives on things that don’t matter. I get angry when I see people walking right in the middle of something they know is wrong and they know it is going to destroy them. When you care about people, sometimes anger is the correct response.
But the Bible says you need to deal with it quickly. If I swallow my anger, my stomach keeps score. Have you found that to be true? All tied in a knot. Ulcer-ridden. You have a pain in the back, or a pain in the neck, or pain in other places. The Bible says, Deal with it quickly. Don’t let it hang on. Resolve conflict as fast as possible.
A lot of stress is just conflict that’s never been dealt with. Instead of dealing with the problem right off the bat, you just let it irritate you day after day after day … until you’re totally stressed.
What’s the solution?
How do I deal with conflict quickly? I’ll tell you, but you’re not going to like it. The solution to conflict resolution is one word: confrontation. That’s right. If you’re going to resolve conflict, you must confront. You don’t have to confront in anger, though. In fact, you shouldn’t confront in anger. Lovingly go to the person and, speaking the truth in love, deal with the problem immediately.
Very few of us enjoy confrontation. The only people who do are troublemakers. Troublemakers delight in confrontation. They love to go to people and say, “You’re blowing it!” But normal people don’t like confrontation. Unfortunately, it’s the only way to resolve conflict. It’s risky and it’s uncomfortable and it might backfire in your face. So normal people try hard to avoid confrontation.
When you simply must confront, what’s the best way to do it? James 1:19 tells us three rules for confrontation: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to become angry. Those are the three rules when you go to confront another person. Be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger. If you do the first two the third one is automatic. If you’re quick to listen and if you’re slow to speak you will be slow to anger. Somebody has pointed out that God gave us two ears and one mouth. We ought to listen twice as much as we talk.
What are you listening for? You listen for the hurt in that person. Hurting people always hurt other people. When someone is being a jerk, more than likely it’s because that person is hurting. When you understand their hurt a bit, you’ve got a better understanding of why they do what they do, and you’re a little more patient with them. Understanding always brings patience. When we don’t understand things, we’re impatient. When we understand them, we’re much more patient.
The Bible says, As far as it depends on you. If you’ve done your part, regardless of their response, the rest is the other person’s burden. It’s their problem now. If you go to the person and say, “Here are some legitimate issues,” then the Bible says you have done your best. You tried to deal with it. As far as it depended on you, you lived in peace with everyone.
And that’s all God asks of you.

Kamis, 06 Agustus 2015

IDENTITAS DIRI ANAK-ANAK TUHAN

IDENTITAS DIRI ANAK-ANAK TUHAN
Ditulis oleh: Amidya

A. Landasan Alkitab

Mazmur 139:13-16

B. Tujuan

Remaja memiliki identitas diri yang benar sebagai anak-anak Tuhan.

C. Refleksi

Tuhan menciptakan kita dengan sungguh luar biasa. Ia menjadikan kita serupa dengan gambar dan rupa-Nya, dan Tuhan berkarya dalam setiap pertumbuhan kita pada masa pra Natal. Tuhan Allah terlibat secara aktif dan kreatif dalam perkembangan hidup manusia. Seperti yang dituliskan Mazmur 139:13-16 bahwa Tuhan memerhatikan seorang bayi sejak dikandung; perhatian-Nya kepada janin itu berlangsung sampai membuat rencana bagi hidupnya kelak.

Lebih detail dituliskan dalam Mazmur 139:16 bahwa, "mata-Mu melihat selagi aku bakal anak, dan dalam kitab-Mu semuanya tertulis hari-hari yang akan dibentuk, sebelum ada satupun dari padanya". Tuhan melihat dan Ia memerhatikan sewaktu kita masih menjadi bakal anak dan setiap hari kita tidak terluput dari pengawasan Tuhan. Kita adalah anak-anak Tuhan karena Tuhanlah yang menenun kita dalam rahim ibu kita. Secara biologis, kita memang memiliki orang tua, tetapi secara teologis, kita memiliki identitas sebagai anak-anak Tuhan. Identitas yang kita miliki adalah sebuah kasih karunia, bukan hasil usaha kita, tetapi Tuhanlah yang menyerahkan diri-Nya mati bagi kita sehingga kita layak menjadi anak-anak Allah (Yohanes 1:12).

Apabila kita adalah anak-anak Allah dan Roh Kudus berdiam di dalam hati kita, kita harus hidup sesuai dengan kebenaran firman Allah. Janganlah kita menjadi serupa dengan dunia. Kita memiliki identitas yang berbeda dengan anak-anak dunia. Sebagai anak Allah, kita harus mencintai firman-Nya, merenungkan firman-Nya siang dan malam, mengasihi sesama, melayani Tuhan, menghasilkan buah Roh Kudus, dan sebagainya. Sebagian anak-anak dunia akan lebih mencintai hal-hal yang Paulus tuliskan kepada jemaat di kota Galatia, yaitu: percabulan, kecemaran, hawa nafsu, penyembahan berhala, sihir, perseteruan, perselisihan, iri hati, amarah, pencederaan, roh pemecah, kedengkian, kemabukan, pesta pora, dan sebagainya.

Oleh karena itu, marilah kita hidup sebagai anak-anak Tuhan dan menjadi terang di tengah-tengah dunia ini sehingga kita tidak tercemar seperti anak-anak dunia, tetapi kita dapat memuliakan Tuhan melalui sikap hidup kita. "Biarlah terangmu juga bercahaya dengan cara yang sama supaya mereka dapat melihat perbuatan-perbuatanmu yang baik dan memuliakan Bapamu yang di surga." (Matius 5:16 - AYT DRAFT)

"Jadilah generasi yang memiliki identitas Kristus!"

D. Diskusi

1. Identitas apakah yang kita miliki sebagai anak-anak Tuhan berdasarkan ayat-ayat berikut ini?

- Kejadian 1:27
- Yohanes 15:17
- Galatia 5:22-23
- Filipi 4:8

2. Mengapa firman Tuhan mendorong kita untuk tidak serupa dengan dunia?

- Yohanes 15:18-20
- Roma 12:2

3. Faktor apa saja yang menghambat kita untuk menyatakan identitas kita sebagai murid Kristus?

4. Sebutkan keistimewaan diri kita sebagai anak-anak Tuhan!

- Kejadian 1:26-27
- Efesus 2:10
- Matius 10:31

5. Bagaimana sikap kita dalam merespons identitas kita sebagai anak-anak Tuhan?

E. Kesimpulan

Firman Tuhan telah menyatakan bahwa kita memiliki identitas yang tidak serupa dengan dunia ini. Siapa yang hidup seturut dengan dunia adalah anak-anak dunia, tetapi siapa yang hidup seturut dengan kehendak Tuhan dan kebenaran firman-Nya adalah anak-anak Tuhan. Kita berharga di mata Tuhan. Tuhan sungguh mengasihi kita, maka dari itu marilah kita hidup sebagai anak-anak Tuhan yang menyatakan terang Kristus ke segala arah, menghasilkan buah Roh Kudus dan mengimplementasikan kebenaran Alkitab dalam hidup kita sehari-hari.

Sumber bacaan:
1. Gunawan, Bambang, dkk. 2011. "Suluh Siswa Kelas X". Jakarta: BPK Gunung Mulia
2. Tafsiran Mazmur 139:13. Dalam http://alkitab.sabda.org/commentary.php?passage=Mazmur+139%3A13

MEMBANGUN IDENTITAS DIRI KAUM MUDA YANG SEHAT

MEMBANGUN IDENTITAS DIRI KAUM MUDA YANG SEHAT

Apakah identitas diri itu? Jika kita sering diminta untuk mengeluarkan kartu identitas kita, apa saja yang tertera di sana? Nama, alamat, jenis kelamin, pekerjaan, status, tempat/tanggal lahir, agama, golongan darah, dan lain sebagainya. Kaum muda dan remaja sedang berproses untuk menyusun jawaban atas pertanyaan identitas tersebut. Mereka sedang memperjuangkan apa arti nama mereka di mata masyarakat. Mereka sedang mencari tahu bagaimana mereka berperan dalam kapasitas gender mereka, bahkan sebagian dari mereka sedang mencari tahu apakah mereka seorang laki-laki atau perempuan. Mereka sedang menentukan sikap sebagai seorang pelajar atau pekerja, apa pekerjaan mereka kelak sebagai pegawai, pengusaha, pekerja sosial, pemuka agama ataukah menjadi seorang penjahat. Kaum muda juga sedang mencari jawaban akan status mereka, akankah menikah, lajang, ataukah nantinya menjadi janda/duda. Mereka pun sedang mencari jati diri dalam kehidupan rohani yang ada, apakah akan memilih Kristus, penganut aliran kepercayaan, Muslim, Buddha, atau yang lainnya. Kaum muda dan remaja sedang berburu dan berjuang untuk menemukan siapa sebenarnya diri mereka. Erik Erickson (tokoh penggagas teori psikologi) menyebutnya sebagai fase pencarian identitas.

Identitas itu sendiri merupakan potret diri yang terdiri atas banyak bagian (identitas karier, agama, intelektual, seksual, budaya, minat, kepribadian, citra diri) (Santrock, 2003). Sedangkan dalam tahapan perkembangan yang dialami individu, remaja dihadapkan untuk memutuskan siapa mereka, apa yang akan mereka lakukan, dan ke mana tujuan hidup mereka. Fase ini oleh Erik Erickson dinamakan identitas versus kebingungan identitas (identity versus identity confusion). Jika pada fase remajanya individu bisa menemukan dirinya, ia akan dapat membentuk identitas yang pasti dan pada akhirnya akan dapat menjalani kehidupannya pada fase berikutnya secara lebih positif. Sedangkan jika tidak menemukan identitas dirinya, ia akan menjadi pribadi yang mengalami kebingungan identitas. Kebingungan identitas pada masa dewasa dapat dicontohkan dengan individu yang selalu berganti pekerjaan, berpindah agama, selalu ingin mengubah fisik dengan operasi plastik, tidak tahu arah tujuan hidup, dan lain-lain. Ketika identitas diri itu telah melekat pada masa dewasa, akan sangat sulit untuk mengubahnya.

Fase remaja adalah fase penentuan mereka memilih identitas diri mereka karenanya fase ini adalah fase yang sangat penting untuk mengenalkan identitas diri yang benar dan sehat. Saat ini, generasi abad 21 adalah generasi milenium yang sudah mengenal dunia maya yang sangat luas. Beragam pilihan dan informasi yang diserap akan memberikan model bagi remaja. Keluasan informasi ini membuat para remaja pada akhirnya akan belajar mengenai berbagai macam pilihan identitas, entah itu sesuatu yang baik ataupun tidak baik.

Bagaimana identitas diri yang sehat itu? Identitas yang sehat adalah identitas yang sesuai dengan kebenaran firman Allah dan dengan keberadaan dirinya itu, individu mampu menempatkan diri, bersikap serta berkarya dengan baik dalam dunia ini. Allah menciptakan manusia segambar dan serupa dengan Dia (Kejadian 1:26). Dengan demikian, identitas diri yang benar adalah identitas yang serupa dengan gambaran ilahi. Identitas ini akan memberikan dampak buah Roh dalam kehidupan sehari-hari. Dengan karakteristik buah Roh itu, setiap individu akan ditolong untuk memiliki sikap yang tepat dalam menyelesaikan persoalan. Identitas diri yang sehat membawa identitas Kristus, memiliki pekerjaan yang bertujuan untuk menyukakan hati Tuhan, memiliki peran gender yang sudah Tuhan anugerahkan (menjadi pria dan wanita yang sesuai dengan maksud hati Tuhan), menjalankan peran yang tepat sebagai pribadi yang berkeluarga atau single, dan bekerja sesuai dengan panggilan dan karunia yang Tuhan telah berikan.

Mencapai identitas diri yang sehat bukanlah proses yang singkat dan mudah. Semuanya membutuhkan komitmen dan konsistensi. Remaja membutuhkan model identitas diri yang sehat, yaitu Kristus. Remaja perlu mengenal model identitas diri yang sehat itu dengan cara mengenalkan Kristus lewat penggalian firman Tuhan, menunjukkan karakter Kristus lewat hidup sehari-hari, dan memberikan pendampingan terus-menerus. Ya, remaja generasi ini membutuhkan pendampingan. Mereka adalah pribadi yang suka menuntut, dan pada akhirnya mereka menjadi pribadi yang sulit mendapatkan "arahan" atau "perintah". Mereka lebih suka dengan adanya "pendampingan". Kelompok pemuridan dengan sedikit orang akan memberikan dampak yang sangat efektif bagi pengembangan pribadi remaja. Orang tua dan pemimpin kelompok adalah sosok yang dapat menjadi model identitas diri yang sehat.

Sebagai seorang pribadi, kaum muda yang sedang menyusun puzzle identitas dirinya harus berlatih. Charles R. Swindoll dalam bukunya "So, You Want to Be like Christ" mengungkapkan hal utama yang disampaikan Paulus kepada Timotius adalah "Latihlah dirimu beribadah" (1 Timotius 4:7). Upaya membangun diri serupa dengan Kristus adalah berlatih disiplin. Relasi yang intim dengan Tuhan akan menghasilkan kedisiplinan yang memberikan pengaruh bagi pembentukan identitas diri yang sehat.

Kesulitan membangun identitas diri yang sehat pun tidak lepas dari perjalanan kehidupan seseorang sejak masa kanak-kanak. Pengaruh lingkungan dan peristiwa yang dialami memberikan sumbangsih bagi pembentukan identitas diri seseorang. Sebab itu, orang tua dan guru-guru harus memiliki kepekaan untuk segera menolong anak-anak, remaja, dan kaum muda dalam membangun identitas yang sehat. Ini wajib hukumnya karena jika kesempatan membangun ini terlewat, remaja akan memiliki identitas yang buruk, dan pada akhirnya akan tumbuh menjadi pribadi yang tidak sehat. Teruslah berjuang serupa dengan Kristus.

Diambil dan disunting dari:
Nama situs: Perkantas Jatim
Alamat URL: http://www.perkantasjatim.org/index.php?g=articles&id=148
Judul asli artikel: Membangun Identitas Diri Kaum Muda yang Sehat
Penulis artikel: Tidak Dicantumkan
Tanggal akses: 6 Mei 2015

Why I Don’t Believe in Christian Accountability

By Mike Foster

Mike Foster: Here are a few reasons why I don’t believe in Christian accountability and why we need a new discussion about integrity.

I am deeply committed to all of us living a life of radical integrity and grace.
Through People of the Second Chance, I get to work with leaders on personal sustainability and living a life with no regrets. And though I champion the ideas of transparency, authenticity and brutal honesty, I don’t believe in Christian accountability.
The whole concept makes me cringe, and I don’t think I’m alone in this assessment. It’s horribly broken, ineffective and doing a lot of people a disservice. In many ways, Christian accountability is facilitating a pathway to our lives being chopped up by character assassins.
So here are a few reasons why I don’t believe in Christian accountability and why a new discussion needs to happen around maintaining our integrity.

1. Lack of Grace

The primary reason Christian accountability doesn’t work is because we are more interested in justice and fixing a problem. I’ve seen too many times great men and women get chewed up by this process. When we fail, what we need most is grace and a second chance, not a lecture.
We have all probably experienced or seen a harsh response to our struggles or failures. But there is a big problem when we respond with justice and not grace. You see, human beings are wired up for self-protection and survival. When we see others being hurt, rejected or punished for their sin, we correctly conclude that it is better to hide, conceal and fake it in the future. It basically comes down to this: I don’t want to get hurt, so I’m not telling. When we lack grace, accountability breaks down.

2. Bad Environments

Let me be frank. If I were having an illicit affair with a woman, I’m not going to confess it to four guys at a Denny’s breakfast. And yet, too often, Christian accountability is carried out in these types of environments. We meet in small groups in a weekly environment with a few of our friends. Ultimately, there is a lid on how transparent these conversations can be, and too often, we believe that if we are meeting weekly then we are “accountable.”
My best conversations about my brokenness and struggles have come in non-typical environments. Places where I am completely relaxed, at ease, and feel removed from my daily life.
I have seen leaders every year go away for a week and meet with a coach or therapist and have this time be very effective. They dump a ton of junk, begin working strategies in their life and start dealing with significant character issues. To be frank, I would rather have us have one week of brutal honesty than 52 weeks of semi-honesty at Denny’s.
My point is simple. Find an environment that is going to allow you to open up and examine your current process.

3. The Results

Unfortunately, the results speak for themselves. If Christian accountability were a company, it would need a serious bailout. It’s simply inadequate, and the results are sub par, at best.
The breaking down of our marriages, financial impropriety, egomaniacal and narcissistic behavior, sexual misconduct, and the bending of every rule we come across are simply signs of a failed system. Last week, I read a post from a pastor who had received emails from 33 other pastors who confessed to him of being involved in an affair.

4. We Game the System

If I wanted to, I could spend the next decade of my life convincing you how wonderful I am and how I have it all together. (Luckily, I have no desire to do that.) It bothers me that I’m clever enough to package Mike Foster in such a way that I could make you all believe what a swell guy I am and how I have it all together.
The problem with Christian accountability is that you and I can game the system. I know how to beat it, and if you stick around the church long enough, you will figure it out, too. And that’s a problem. We’re the alcoholic that knows where the hidden key to the liquor cabinet is.
Gaming the system is not hard. We know the right words. We know the right things to talk about. We know how to frame things up to effectively keep everyone off course on who we truly are. I can do it, and so can you. And that’s a big problem.
So that’s why I’m not a fan of Christian accountability and truly believe it is busted. But please don’t lose hope. I have something I want to offer up as a replacement to this flawed system of maintaining our integrity.
I truly believe it is time to reinvent and rethink this very important component of our lives. Over the years, Christian accountability has deformed into a very ugly, uninspiring and broken system.
First off, I want to change the word from “accountability” to “advocacy.” If we are going to redefine a process and introduce a new concept, I think it needs a new word. The word I use in this context with fellow friends and leaders is advocacy. The term can be described as active support, intercession, or pleading and arguing in favor of someone.
So let’s take a look at what advocacy means.

Radical Grace Is the Foundation

Radical grace is the core engine for any healthy relationship. You can not have true transparency or confession without it. I encourage people to make verbal commitments to each other and clearly state that they will stand by one another through the best AND the worst.
Most people live with the fear of rejection and allow this fear to dictate how honest they will be with others. In advocacy, we are constantly demonstrating that this relationship is a safe place. Through our response to one another’s failures, our own deep confession and reminding each other that we are in this for the long haul, we implement radical grace.

Focus on the Yes, Not the No

Advocacy focuses on the “yes,” not the “no.” Too often, typical Christian accountability revolves around long lists of what NOT to do. We spend way too much time discussing and managing the sin. Often, we lock onto the most minor unhealthy behaviors and think that’s going to prepare us for success in life. Unfortunately, we operate on the faulty assumption that working on the symptoms will address the core problem. Bad idea!!!
Advocacy spurs us on to the “yes.” It revolves around the crazy good things that we should be engaging in. It pushes us to live a life of positive risks, creativity, adventure and significance. We rally around each other in this and focus our relationships around this theme.
I truly believe a large amount of moral blowouts flow from boredom and dissatisfaction. We become depressed and unsatisfied with our life, career and marriage, and then we enter into dangerous territory. Why? Because we are not focusing on the “Yes!”
I know that in my own life, I become vulnerable when I have lost a sense of mission and purpose. Having an advocate in our life is important in reminding us of our calling.

Priority on People, Not Organizations

When people fail or become involved in some scandal, too often we immediately consider the ramifications on the organization or company. I’ve talked to many Christians who are very concerned about when a pastor falls of how this impacts the cause of Christ.
Unfortunately, we place more concern on the damage to the brand of Christianity or the church instead of the fallen individual. I’ve seen horrific and hurtful things happen to people in the name of protecting the organization instead of the fallen person. Quite frankly, that sucks!!!
If you haven’t figured it out by now, Christianity’s brand is failures and wrecked lives. Churches are places with messy people who do stupid things. I’ve certainly made my contribution to this effort with my mistakes. In advocacy, the importance is placed on the individual. It is about people, especially those who are most broken. The organization, church or company should take a back seat.

Multi-Group Approach

Christian accountability often is accomplished in small groups that are too general or with just one person leading, which puts too much responsibility on one individual.
Advocacy embraces having multiple layers of transparency and connection. I have about 10 people who are involved in spurring me on to a life of integrity. They can actively speak into my life, and I will listen and make the necessary tweaks.
However, I have about four people whom I have a deeper connection with and discuss harder things with. I also have more structure with this group. This is what I consider to be the core.
But even beyond the core, I have one friend that has full access. We take complete responsibility for each others’ integrity, purity and sustainability. I refer to this person as my “first call.” When the crap hits the fan, I call him first.
Each layer moves into a greater level of commitment and advocacy, and each layer has an important role.

Mike Foster leads an organization called People of the Second Chance which provides innovative strategies on failure and crisis. Mike also serves as the Creative Principal at PlainJoe Studios in Southern California. He blogs daily at www.POTSC.com and is @MikeFoster on Twitter. More from Mike Foster or visit Mike at http://www.POTSC.com

The Modesty Rules: Is a Woman Responsible for a Man’s Lust?

By Emily Maynard

Provided by

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“I believe we need to stop the conversations we’re having and the rules we’re making.”

I grew up in a conservative home, in a conservative church and in conservative social circles. And hear me correctly, being conservative isn’t the problem.
The lies I believed from my culture are the problem, and lies can come from any background.
It’s been an intense process over the last two years as I’ve become aware of my many distorted views from my past, but in the midst of it, I’m seeing God more clearly.
In the culture I was raised in, there were constant discussions about modesty.
Not the “oh, hey, don’t be a rude showoff, because that’s rude” kind of modesty conversations, but the rulers and rulebooks of big-time modesty. If you’ve experienced it, you’re probably nodding or cringing, and if you’ve never encountered it, well, use your imagination.
Though the trappings varied, the lectures and conversations were always essentially the same: People talked about what girls were wearing and how the act of putting on clothes in the morning could radically change what boys were thinking.
There were endless options for violations and validations in Modesty-land, depending on the exact situation and circumstances. It didn’t take long for me to absorb the idea that I wasn’t a person with a body—I was an outfit with the power to control the morality of men.

I believed the lie that I was responsible for everyone else.

There was always a part of me that was desperate for a way out of the burden of over-responsibility, but my diligent self just kept trying to shoulder the shame and paranoia of the Modesty Rules, because I thought they were God’s plan for me.
In the last few years, though, I am learning a subtle difference in responsibility.
I have learned that, yes, people should be responsible, but not to me. God created each person with a level of autonomy and responsibility tied directly to Him.
If you’re exhausted by managing other people, let me assure you responsibility to or for everyone else is something you were never meant to hold. If you try to carry it, let alone enforce it, it will cripple you and destroy genuine relationships.
I know this firsthand. Because of a lack of boundaries and the constant pressure of my culture’s Modesty Rules, my relationship with my body has been disjointed at best, my interactions with men were stunted, and my friendships with other women have been filled with jealousy and judgment.
Many of the discussions of The Modesty Rules relate clothing choices to lust, but I think that’s a mistake.
Let me explain: I propose we’ve lost sight of what lust actually is.
In fact, we have confused biological sexual attraction with lust and called it sin. This is one reason why shame is so rampant in Christian circles, why we hide rather than confess our reality, why we try to control rather than offer each other the open love and freedom of Christ: We have made into sin something that is not sin.
God created you to desire another person for affection, intimacy and relationship!
Being physically attracted to someone is not lust.
Wanting to kiss someone is not lust.
Enjoying kissing someone is not lust.
Those desires can be a catalyst for lust, but in themselves, they are morally neutral, God-created, biological and chemical reactions. Your body recognizing sexual compatibility with another person is not inherently evil.

Don’t get me wrong. Lust is serious, and lust is a sin. But lust is about control, not just sex.

Lust dehumanizes a person in your own heart and mind.
It is the ritual taking, obsessing and using someone else for your own benefit rather than valuing that person as an equal image-bearer of God.
Lust is forming people in your own image, for your own purposes, whether for sexual pleasure, emotional security or moral superiority.
In lusting, you are creating a world where every other person exists for your approval or dismissal. Lust reduces the complexity of each individual and their story to something you get to manage.
Lust certainly can have a sexual component, but when we reduce it merely to sexual reactions, we miss out on God’s heart for all people: infinite value.
In the book of Matthew, when Jesus said, “If you even look at a woman with lust …” he wasn’t condemning a physical sexual response as sinful, he was lifting up the inherent value of all women and men. The Sermon on the Mount repeatedly describes the worth of each person, no matter their circumstances.
I don’t think you dressing according to a set of modesty rules will ever stop another person from lusting.
In fact, nothing you do or do not do can influence lust in someone else.
Only Jesus can lovingly confront and heal a lustful heart through the working of the Holy Spirit. You can’t change anyone, control anyone, make someone sin or not sin, and you’re only responsible for taking your own heart to Jesus.
I’m asking you to pause and think about this issue differently than you may have encountered it before, especially if you grew up with the Modesty Rules on your side.
If anyone tells you that you are responsible for the hearts or minds or actions of any men or women, particularly with your clothing choices, don’t accept it!
If anyone uses Bible verses as weapons of condemnation and shame instead of building faith in the working of the Holy Spirit, don’t believe it. Real freedom comes from accepting the life of Christ as your own, which doesn’t mean lawlessness. It means love.

I believe we need to stop the conversations we’re having and the rules we’re making.

Expecting others to live by your Modesty Rules strips them of value in a way revealing clothing never can.
Thinking you are responsible for everyone causes more damage than wearing a deep-v shirt ever did.
Before you start assuming I think people should be walking around naked, let me say this: I would absolutely encourage men and women to dress in a socially acceptable manner, but not because they are responsible for other people’s reactions.
And certainly not because one way of dressing is more “godly” than another!
Clothing choices have and will always be culturally relative decisions. Please, make good choices for yourself, whatever those are!
Live in the culture God put you in, but live there in complete freedom that Christ’s resurrection glory, not your hemline or your judgment of her hemline, makes you holy.
Note: If this view of lust and control is new or upsetting to you—as it was to me, because I was so guilty of it—I’d encourage you to ask Jesus first to bring his healing to your heart, talk to a trusted mentor about how to distinguish healthy sexual attraction from practices of lust, and dialogue with safe men and women in your community about positive boundaries for living fully in Christ’s freedom.
The best books I’ve read about control and personal responsibility are: Boundaries, The Pressure’s Off and Compelled to Control. There are inexpensive used copies available online or check your local library!
Speak up! Have you radically changed a belief you used to hold? Have you ever tried to control someone through your actions or clothes? How did it work out?

Emily Maynard is an outgoing introvert from Portland, Oregon. She likes Twitter, vegetables, fashion, Harry Potter, college students, and new information on anything. Emily is passionate about questioning, exploring, and growing alongside great friends. She's learning to speak up and loves watching people find their voices. She is not the Emily Maynard from The Bachelorette. More from Emily Maynard or visit Emily at http://www.prodigalmagazine.com