6 Cultural Trends Impacting Marriages and Families in the Church

6 Cultural Trends Impacting Marriages and Families in the Church

By Ted Cunningham
Imagine you are standing in front of the directory map at the mall. I usually start by looking for the “X” next to the words “You Are Here.” From there I find the store I want to go to. Then, I chart my course.
That is a word picture that comes to mind often as I think about church leadership. As pastors and leaders, we sometimes leave out the “We are here” part of vision casting. We love writing and delivering sermons that paint a beautiful picture of marriage and family (the destination) but at times avoid the messiness of reality (where we are now). It’s easy to pick an issue or current political topic and target that as our primary concern for the family. However, there are many cultural trends negatively impacting the family today. Let’s start with where we are.
We Are Here
This is not an exhaustive list, but these 6 marriage and family trends are challenging the church today:

1. The Kid-centered Home – Sometime around 1980, parents shifted towards a more nurturing home. Opportunity and advantage became the foundation and priority for parenting. We want our children to have every opportunity and shot at success. I like how my friend, pastor Carey Nieuwhof, asked the question, “When does giving our child every advantage actually become a disadvantage?” Great question. With the kid-centered home came new parenting motives. We became…
    
   • Vanity parents, using our children’s attributes and accomplishments to impress others.
   • Perfection parents, setting high expectations for success in every opportunity and endeavor.
   • Competitive parents, comparing our children’s strengths and weaknesses to other children.
   • Gifted parents, picturing our children as “extra special” and seeking out “extra special” opportunities.
   • Rescue parents, hovering and helicoptering over our children shielding them from all pain, loss and trials.
   • Companion Parents, seeking friendship by elevating a child to the level of spouse or descending as a parent to the level of a sibling.
2. Prolonged Adolescence – Biblically and historically, there are two seasons to life: childhood and adulthood. Boys became men and girls became women. In 1904, the term adolescence birthed a gap between childhood and adulthood. That gap continues to grow. My friend, Ryan Pannell, defines prolonged adolescence as too much privilege and not enough responsibility. It is an extended vacation from the responsibility required to successfully work a job and build healthy relationships. Prolonged adolescence is the direct result of the kid-centered home.
    
3. Delayed Marriage – One result of prolonged adolescence is the delay of adulthood milestones. It keeps young adults from accepting personal responsibility for life, work and relationships. There are 5 adulthood milestones that every generation experiences: (1) Leave home (2) Finish school or training (3) Secure employment (4) Get married (5) Start a family. Until recently, generations completed those milestones in a very short period of time. I know some seniors at our church who completed those 5 milestones in less than a week. True story. In an effort to protect their future, young people hold off marriage as long as possible. We tell them, “You need to learn how to be independent before you can be successful at marriage.” Independence is the new socially acceptable term for selfishness. We raise our children in the kid-centered home only to send them off and say, “Go live by yourself and for yourself for another 10 or so years.”
    
4. Sliding vs. Deciding – Dr. Scott Stanley from the University of Denver coined this term and it is the name of his blog (www.slidingvsdeciding.com). Couples today are sliding past the decisions of traditional relationship formation. Cohabitation is the primary example of this trend. To protect themselves, there is no definition assigned to the relationship. “Let’s just see how this works out” is the socially acceptable term for “Let’s not commit.” Dr. Stanley defines commitment as making a choice to give up all other choices. Church leaders and parents teach children to hold off decisions rather than how to make good decisions that lead to and form healthy relationships.
    
5. Dating While Divorcing – Facebook regularly updates us on this trend. A couple you love begins to breakdown. Weeks after a separation, you see a profile picture with a new boyfriend or girlfriend (before divorce papers are even drafted). It’s difficult to fight for or reconcile in marriage when you have given your heart away to another. On top of that, the dating couple wants the support of family and friends. That is painful and difficult. We can’t, nor should we, celebrate a new relationship while we are mourning the death of the marriage. With integrity, I cannot hit the “Like” button on the new profile picture or relationship status update.
    
6. Greying Divorce – Oh, how I wish grandma and grandpa’s marriage was safe, but it is not. The New York times brought greying divorce to our attention in 2013:
   
   
   “So much for ’till death do us part.’ For the first time, more Americans 50 and older are divorced than widowed, and the numbers are growing as baby boomers live longer. Sociologists call them gray divorcees.
   A half-century ago, only 2.8 percent of Americans older than 50 were divorced. While divorce rates over all have stabilized and even inched downward, the divorce rate among people 50 and older has doubled since 1990, according to an analysis of census data by professors at Bowling Green State University in Bowling Green, Ohio. That’s especially significant because half the married population is older than 50.
   In 1990, 1 in 10 persons who divorced was 50 or older. By 2011, according to the census’s American Community Survey, more than 28 percent (more than 1 in 4) who said they divorced in the previous 12 months were 50 or older.” (www.nytimes.com)

Where We Want to Go
One early morning when my son was 8, we watched one of my favorite pastors from California, pastor Greg Laurie. He preached from a series called Happily Even After. The message fit perfectly with what we believe about commitment in marriage and leaving a legacy and inheritance to our children. Halfway through the message, I leaned over to Carson and said, “Carson, I just want you to know something. I plan to leave you a little something when I die, but most of it will go to your mom. More than money, I’m leaving you the legacy of a mom and dad who loved each other and enjoyed life together. You’ll appreciate that way more than money.”
Singles, spouses, and parents all have a role to play in esteeming marriage as highly valuable (Hebrews 13:4). Whatever your age or season in life, we are all called to honor marriage.
One way we honor marriage is by rejoicing, delighting and praising the love of the couples around us (S of S 1:4). Do you know a couple that needs to be encouraged? Send them a note or a card praising their love. Do you know a couple in crisis? Offer them a listening ear and the help they need to save their marriage. Is there a couple that inspires you? Invite them out to dinner and tell them. Let’s all become champions and advocates for marriage.
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, we eradicate the kid-centered home and bless our children with the gift of mom and dad enjoying life together.
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, we bring our children out of prolonged adolescence and send them out of the home as an adult, not on a journey to become one.
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, we eliminate the fear and unnecessary delay of marriage in our children.
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, we form healthy relationships by making decisions that build commitment.
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, families find hope in Jesus. He breathes life into dead people and dead couples. (Let’s pray for more relationship updates on Facebook that read “Reconciled!”)
When we honor marriage and the couples around us, our senior adults will continue to be examples of commitment, loyalty, responsibility and longevity.
Copyright © 2014 by Ted Cunningham. Used by permission.

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Ted Cunningham is the founding pastor of Woodland Hills Family Church. He married Amy in 1996 and now live in Branson, MO with their two children, Corynn and Carson. Ted is the author of Fun Loving You, Trophy Child and Young and In Love and coauthor of four books with Dr. Gary Smalley. He is a graduate of Liberty University and Dallas Theological Seminary.