Two Predictors of Divorce—How They Affect Your Love, Life and Ministry
In 1950, there were 30,870 divorces. In 2012, there were 118,140. Sadly, that number continues to grow. Why do some marriages work and some don’t?
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, set out to answer that question. After years of research and observation, their team can accurately place couples into one of two categories: “disasters” or “masters”.
There were just two elements that separated the disasters from the masters. Any guesses?
The two deal-breakers are kindness and generosity.
You can identify kindness and generosity by how often you “turn-towards bids”. Bids are “requests for connection.”
Here’s how The Atlantic describes Gottman’s findings:
Gottman said, “The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.”
Couples who respond with any degree of hostility were less likely to live happily ever after.
Kindness leads to love, generosity and deeper friendship. The Atlantic notes, “Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.”
The Gottmans describe kindness as a muscle that needs to be exercised and strengthened.
How can you love, lead and serve from a place of kindness and generosity?
How would exercising kindness and generosity change your marriage, family, work or ministry?
How would teaching others to strengthen their “kindness muscle” change your community, church or workplace?
It was and is the Father’s loving kindness that saved us.
I love King David’s eager quest to show kindness on behalf of Jonathan. Whose friendship do you value so much that you would jump to pour kindness into someone simply because they are connected to that friend? It is beautiful and rare.
Watch for David’s kindness in 2 Samuel 9 as he bestows favor on Jonathan’s son who was crippled:
What does a ministry of kindness look like? We want to hear from you!
Psychologists John and Julie Gottman, set out to answer that question. After years of research and observation, their team can accurately place couples into one of two categories: “disasters” or “masters”.
There were just two elements that separated the disasters from the masters. Any guesses?
The two deal-breakers are kindness and generosity.
You can identify kindness and generosity by how often you “turn-towards bids”. Bids are “requests for connection.”
Here’s how The Atlantic describes Gottman’s findings:
“Throughout the day, partners would make requests for connection, what Gottman calls “bids.” For example, say that the husband is a bird enthusiast and notices a goldfinch fly across the yard. He might say to his wife, “Look at that beautiful bird outside!” He’s not just commenting on the bird here: he’s requesting a response from his wife—a sign of interest or support—hoping they’ll connect, however momentarily, over the bird.”Every person who has received this invitation to connect has a choice. Will you turn toward your spouse and engage or will you not respond or give a minimal response? Your answer could save your marriage.
Gottman said, “The couples who were still together after six years had “turn-toward bids” 87 percent of the time. Nine times out of ten, they were meeting their partner’s emotional needs.”
Couples who respond with any degree of hostility were less likely to live happily ever after.
“By observing these types of interactions, Gottman can predict with up to 94 percent certainty whether couples—straight or gay, rich or poor, childless or not—will be broken up, together and unhappy, or together and happy several years later. Much of it comes down to the spirit couples bring to the relationship. Do they bring kindness and generosity; or contempt, criticism, and hostility?”Contempt drives couples apart. A focus on criticism will cause a person to miss half of the positive things about their spouse. This negativity will cause the receiver to feel unwanted and not valued.
“There’s a habit of mind that the masters have,” Gottman explained in an interview, “which is this: they are scanning social environment for things they can appreciate and say thank you for. They are building this culture of respect and appreciation very purposefully. Disasters are scanning the social environment for partners’ mistakes.”
“It’s not just scanning environment,” chimed in Julie Gottman. “It’s scanning the partner for what the partner is doing right or scanning him for what he’s doing wrong and criticizing versus respecting him and expressing appreciation.”
Kindness leads to love, generosity and deeper friendship. The Atlantic notes, “Research independent from theirs has shown that kindness (along with emotional stability) is the most important predictor of satisfaction and stability in a marriage. Kindness makes each partner feel cared for, understood, and validated—feel loved.”
The Gottmans describe kindness as a muscle that needs to be exercised and strengthened.
“Kindness doesn’t mean that we don’t express our anger,” Julie Gottman explained, “but the kindness informs how we choose to express the anger. You can throw spears at your partner. Or you can explain why you’re hurt and angry, and that’s the kinder path.”No matter how busy or chaotic life gets, don’t let kindness and generosity breakdown. Build it up, strengthen it and exercise it.
How can you love, lead and serve from a place of kindness and generosity?
How would exercising kindness and generosity change your marriage, family, work or ministry?
How would teaching others to strengthen their “kindness muscle” change your community, church or workplace?
It was and is the Father’s loving kindness that saved us.
“But when the goodness and loving kindness of God our Savior appeared, he saved us, not because of works done by us in righteousness, but according to his own mercy, by the washing of regeneration and renewal of the Holy Spirit, whom he poured out on us richly through Jesus Christ our Savior, so that being justified by his grace we might become heirs according to the hope of eternal life.”How can we consistently extend the Father’s love and kindness to others?
Titus 3:4-7
I love King David’s eager quest to show kindness on behalf of Jonathan. Whose friendship do you value so much that you would jump to pour kindness into someone simply because they are connected to that friend? It is beautiful and rare.
Watch for David’s kindness in 2 Samuel 9 as he bestows favor on Jonathan’s son who was crippled:
And David said, “Is there still anyone left of the house of Saul, that I may show him kindness for Jonathan’s sake?” … And Mephibosheth the son of Jonathan, son of Saul, came to David and fell on his face and paid homage. And David said, “Mephibosheth!” And he answered, “Behold, I am your servant.” And David said to him, “Do not fear, for I will show you kindness for the sake of your father Jonathan, and I will restore to you all the land of Saul your father, and you shall eat at my table always.” …This is a stunning example of God’s kindness. Who has a seat at your table, not because it was earned, but because of kindness?
Then the king called Ziba, Saul’s servant, and said to him, “All that belonged to Saul and to all his house I have given to your master’s grandson. … So Mephibosheth ate at David’s table, like one of the king’s sons.
What does a ministry of kindness look like? We want to hear from you!
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