Jumat, 31 Juli 2015

10 Things the Preacher’s Wife Can Give Him No One Else Can

By Joe McKeever

“She is close to the man of God, but she does not come between him and God.”

“D.L. Moody found in his wife what he termed his balance wheel. With advice, sympathy and faith, this girl labored with him, and by her judgment, tact and sacrifice, she contributed to his every effort.” (quoted in 25 Surprising Marriages by William Petersen)
The pastor’s wife is in a unique position.
She is close to the man of God, but she does not come between him and God. She is privy to a thousand things going on between him and God, but must not insert herself into that process. She knows this man as no one else in the congregation does and can counsel/advise him as no one else is able, but she must know when to speak up and when to be quiet.
In many respects, she has the best seat in the house and the hardest job.
Pray for the young women newly married to men just beginning to pastor churches. So many of the skills they must master will come not from books but from life experiences, from making mistakes and getting things wrong, from befriending older and more mature ministers’ wives and heeding their counsel, and from the indwelling Spirit of God.
Let the young wives of ministers seek out others of their kind and befriend them. They need one another desperately. Let them meet in one another’s kitchens where they can talk and vent and pray.
Let them remind each other of the unique position they occupy concerning their husband’s calling.
Now, let us see if we can get that discussion started with what follows.
Here is my list of 10 things the wife can do for her preacher-husband that no one else can do. (Let me say up front, I’m writing from the standpoint of the pastors being men. I have no experience with women pastors, so to advise them on anything would be presumptuous. For that reason, I will appreciate no admonitions from readers that I have omitted or insulted the women pastors. God bless anyone who stands in the pulpit to share His word. Thank you.)
1. The wife can pray for her preacher husband as no one else can.
She shares his struggles, sees his labors and knows what he is dealing with. Mostly, what he experiences, she does also. When she prays for him, she’s praying also for herself.
Let the wife intercede for her man.
2. The wife can advise him as no one else can.
She is an expert on this man. She knows what makes him tick. In advising him, she has no axe to grind, no agenda to push. She loves him and wants only his best.
God told Israel to pray for their cities because “as it prospers, you will prosper” (Jeremiah 29:7). In much the same way, when God blesses the pastor and he does well, everyone benefits: The church becomes healthy, the pastor’s family does well and his wife’s lot is vastly improved.
3. The wife can admonish him as no one else can.
Rebuking a pastor can be a risky thing.
Sometimes a wife has to deliver the bad news to her man. “You were wrong.” “Honey, you were out of line.” “You need to apologize to him.”
As no one else can, she can call him back to earth and speak the unvarnished truth in love.
4. She can encourage him as no one else can.
She knows his hurts and sees his pain. She feels his fatigue and knows about his sleepless nights. His pain is hers. And because she understands him as no one else does, she can lift him up like no one else.
Because she is also his lover, she can comfort him with her arms, her sweetness, her touch, her kisses. She knows when he needs to be left alone and when would be the best time to make that delicious blueberry cobbler he loves so much.
5. She can protect him.
To give him a little peace, pastor’s wife Rita answers his cell phone from the minute he enters the house until he leaves. If the call is important, she hands the preacher the phone. Otherwise, she takes messages or relays them. Pastor’s wife Jerilyn insisted early in their marriage that one day a week would belong to the two of them, no matter where they pastored. By holding to that, she has blessed her husband’s ministry and enhanced their marriage.
Some pastors are hesitant to take the rest they deserve and need. The wife can see that he gets it.
Pastor’s wife Maggie protects her husband from temptation by loving him and treating him as her lover.
6. She can enhance his ministry and make him more effective.
When Margaret found that my “primary love language,” as taught by Judson Swihart in How Do You Say I Love You?, was “being on the same side,” she began doing all she could to support my pastoral ministry. At various times, she taught a Sunday School class, more than once team-teaching alongside me. She led “Experiencing God” classes, worked with drama teams and even ran a television camera. She encouraged me to invite committees to meet in our home where she served as hostess.
As a result, the congregation came to a greater appreciation of my wife, of our home and of the ministry to which God had called me.
7. But there is another side. She can hurt him as no one else in the church can.
She’s “in close.” The husband drops his guard when he’s at home. If a wife misuses her closeness with him, she can wound him severely and destroy his effectiveness. By calling him demeaning names (“stupid” or even using profanity), by accusing him of sin (“I saw you making eyes at someone in the choir”), and by speaking of him disparagingly to church members, she may destroy his confidence and ruin his ministry.
In one church with which I am familiar, choir members could look into the congregation and see the pastor’s wife with the scowl on her face. The look she gave her preacher husband as he tried to expound the Word of God radiated pure disgust. To no one’s surprise, their marriage did not last. At last report, the former pastor was out of the ministry altogether and working at the newspaper.
True, no one but the two of them knows what went on between them, but to this observer, the preacher was brought down by the very person who should have been his champion, his wife.
8. She can interfere as no one else can.
Any member can cause trouble in a church, but the pastor’s wife is perfectly situated to cause the greatest disruptions if she chooses. That’s why she has to exercise great care in the things she says and in whom she confides.
Woe to the pastor whose wife prides herself on her plain-spokenness. “If I think it, I say it,” said one. Not good.
Let the pastor’s wife pray the prayer of Psalm 141:3, “Set a guard upon my mouth, O Lord; keep watch over the door of my lips.”
9. She can help him relax and laugh.
There is a time to discuss heavy matters about the disobedient children and the broken furnace, and a time to lay them aside. There is a time to complain about some matter the preacher-husband promised to do but has forgotten, and a time to put it on the back burner.
One of the hardest things a wife will ever do is to stifle the urge to unload on him when he enters the house. She has been dealing with the problems all day by herself, and finally he is home. Except—as she is to learn quickly enough—he’s not “all there” yet. Give him time. Let him unwind. Be his lover, his sweetheart, his best friend and confidante.
10. She can help him pick out his clothes!
When I asked Facebook friends for their suggestions, I was surprised by this one. But it’s true. As I write, only yesterday, I found myself wondering about “this tie with that shirt.” Margaret, now in Heaven, would have told me in a heartbeat. (Probably without even being asked!) That’s one of only 10,000 things I miss about her.
Some wife reading this is thinking, “All right. He needs these things, true enough. But what about me? I need some things too.”
You certainly do. But that’s one reason we urge you to pull together a few other ministers’ wives and discuss this. You cannot pull this off without the counsel of wiser and more experienced women who have walked this road before you.
Whether you get with other wives or try to go it alone, there is one overwhelming essential you cannot and must not miss. You must draw your strength from the Lord Jesus Christ each day of your life. You cannot exist on the spirituality of your preacher husband. You must not try to do this in your own strength.
I leave with you the verse above all verses that ought to have the pastors’ wives’ names on it. This one is all yours, precious sister in the Lord …
Not that we are adequate (sufficient) to think anything of ourselves; but our adequacy (sufficiency) is of God. (2 Corinthians 3:5)

After five years as Director of Missions for the 100 Southern Baptist churches of metro New Orleans, Joe retired on June 1, 2009. These days, he has an office at the First Baptist Church of Kenner where he's working on three books, and he's trying to accept every speaking/preaching invitation that comes his way. He loves to do revivals, prayer conferences, deacon training, leadership banquets, and such. Usually, he's working on some cartooning project for the denomination or some agency. More from Joe McKeever or visit Joe at http://www.joemckeever.com/mt/

5 Ways We Fight for Children

By Phillip Holmes

Provided by

“Christians should continue to leverage their influence online to expose the atrocities taking place inside an organization that makes profit by murdering innocents…”

Less than a week ago, a video was released that provided damning evidence that Planned Parenthood was selling the body parts of infant corpses. Christians immediately took to social media calling Planned Parenthood’s actions “inhumane” and “barbaric.” Many demanded that the government defund the organization and others insisted that they be shut down.
Christians should continue to leverage their influence online to expose the atrocities taking place inside an organization that makes profit by murdering innocents and trafficking their body parts under the guise of women’s rights. But that’s not all we should do.
It’s one thing to protest external problems like Planned Parenthood for what it truly is—a baby-murdering machine. It’s another to look internally and ask how we can protest with our lives in faithful and tangible ways. Protesting online is easy, but protesting with our lives will demand more of us.
Whether you’re single or married, young or old, we can all do something for the sake of the defenseless unborn and glorious truth of what we believe. What can we do?

1. Love Children

More and more, America is becoming a country that loves children less and less. We see them as a ball-and-chain that slows us down in our pursuit of the American dream. Even in the church, Christian couples get strange looks when they say they want to have a lot of kids. Some will even discourage them. “That will change after you’ve had a kid or two.” This response shouldn’t be.
The Bible is overwhelmingly positive in its language about children. “Children are a heritage from the Lord” (Psalm 127:3). When teaching his disciples, Jesus uses an illustration of the joy of a mother delivering her baby (John 16:21). Our words and actions should reflect the heart and values of Scripture. The Bible is the heart and values of God, after all.
All Christians should be known as people who love children because we have been graciously loved by a Father. Our love for and joy in children should be evident and contagious, winsomely put on display for the whole world to witness and, Lord willing, want for themselves.

2. Have More Children

My pastor recently said, “The way to outlast an ideology that’s for naturalism, same-sex marriage and abortion is to pretty much be anything but that, and have kids.” I couldn’t agree more with this statement. Because we love children and believe they are a blessing from God, able, married couples should have more children. Our desire to build families full of expensive, inconvenient and precious little boys and girls should powerfully set us apart from the rest of the world.
Now, one of the biggest obstacles to having more children is the financial responsibility. It’s a legitimate concern. Every couple should stay close to the Scriptures and pray about priorities. I think we’re sometimes guilty, though, of being poor stewards of our resources and running away from the sacrifices involved in parenting.
Children are a worthy and eternal investment. “Blessed is the man who fills his quiver with them!” (Psalm 127:5). This word “blessed” also means happy. I hope to be cared for by my children in old age and surrounded by a lot of grandchildren. They are a great blessing and should make us very happy. You’d be hard-pressed to find a grandparent with a lot of children regretting their decision. The Bible promises that children can be a gift that keeps on giving—so have them. A large family reflects God’s family to an intentionally barren society.

3. Adopt Children

Last winter, my wife and I lost our first child when she miscarried at nine weeks. This experience was painful for both of us, and many couples experience it. I’m aware that there are many couples who want children (or more children), but are unable to have them. I would encourage these couples (and those that can have children) to consider adoption.
Adoption is a beautiful way to put our theology to action. The Scriptures remind us of our adoption through Jesus Christ (Ephesians 1:5). Now we are viewed as blood-bought, secure, beloved sons and daughters of God our Father. We’re no longer slaves, but sons and heirs through God (Galatians 4:4–7).
Many Christian couples have never considered adoption. I would encourage you to initiate these conversations in your home and with your church family. Pray consistently, and ask if God might have you adopt. Adoption screams to our society that children are wanted and loved.

4. Instruct Children

Scripture commands us to “train up a child in the way he should go” and to “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (Proverbs 22:6; Ephesians 6:4). We know that there is nothing we can do to guarantee the salvation of our child. Salvation belongs to the Lord. But this truth shouldn’t make us passive in our instruction, nor in the decisions we make about their upbringing and education. The Bible condemns this behavior and warns us that we should never neglect the discipline of our children (Proverbs 23:13–14; 13:24).
As society becomes increasingly godless, parents should be ready to make hard choices about education. Education is never religiously neutral. It’s impossible. Some worldview is at the foundation of every educational institution, program or curriculum. Few will argue that government schools today even remotely reflect a Christian worldview. Among other ideas contrary to the Bible, government schools will likely teach your children that so-called “same-sex marriage” is legitimate, natural and courageous, or that a baby boy or girl in the womb is not yet human.
Well-meaning Christians are hesitant to pull out of public schools because they see such community as an opportunity for ministry, a rare chance to be “in the world, but not of it.” This perspective assumes that there are not better options to give our children a full Christian education while at the same time still loving our neighbors.
We need Christians to train their children and love their neighbors well. I think churches should consider building affordable schools for their community. Educating our families and communities guards the minds of our little ones, shows mercy to our neighbors and shapes future generations of decision-makers in the family and in society. Building Christian schools provides opportunities to more holistically disciple a pregnant teenager considering an abortion.
Education will inevitably lead to change, for good or for bad. We should be thinking, praying, planning and investing in how to teach children to think and feel and act for the glory of God.

5. Give for Children

Much of what I’ve mentioned so far requires resources—gross amounts of time and money. You may be in a stage or place in life in which most of the above is no longer an option, but you love children and want to help. Consider giving. Give your time. Give your money. Give what you can to families, organizations and church funds seeking to love, serve and teach children.
This investment could include babysitting for a couple, or helping a larger family a few times a week by changing diapers and cleaning. You could give to an organization that provides resources for families that have special needs children. You could support agencies that promote or facilitate adoptions, or come alongside families walking through the challenges of adoption. You could even talk to your church leader about building a team of teachers and donors to start an affordable Christian school that could serve the church and the community. Or if your community already has such a school, you could apply for a job, volunteer or write them a check.
When the world sees us love little ones in these ways, they will be forcefully and beautifully confronted with the love of God himself. These are the fruits—the offspring—of his adopting love for sinners, welcoming them and all their sin into his family forever. Few things tell the story of the gospel more clearly and more tangibly than our passionate, persistent love for the young and defenseless, those our nation so cavalierly and shockingly discard.
Continue to protest online, but make sure your lifestyle reflects your words.

Phillip Holmes (@PhillipMHolmes) is an itinerant preacher, co-founder and Vice President of the Reformed African American Network (RAAN) and co-host of Pass The Mic, RAAN’s official podcast. You can find more content by him at his personal site, Highest Good. He resides in Houston and is engaged to Jasmine Baucham. More from Phillip Holmes or visit Phillip at http://www.desiringgod.org

Planned Parenthood at the Cross

By Russell Moore

Many of us were horrified and repulsed as we saw Planned Parenthood Federation leaders in undercover videos negotiating the sale of body parts from aborted children. The cavalier conversations, over lunch, about such things ought to shock every conscience. For Christians, this atrocity ought to drive us to reflect on the literal crux of our faith, the cross of Jesus Christ.
The most ghoulish aspect of these videos is, after all, not simply that children are losing their lives. We knew that already. Beyond that is the way these children’s bodies are being used, divided up for parts, in order to enable clinics to “do a little better than break even.” And, of course, there is the callousness of the consciences involved. How could one talk about where to “crush” a baby or how “crunchy” the tearing mechanism ought to be in such breezy casual terms?
Every human person naturally ought to recoil from such language. But for a Christian, especially, such language ought to trigger in us thoughts of Jesus of Nazareth, who identified himself with human nature, taking on flesh and dwelling among us (Jn. 1:14). Jesus is human—not “was,” mind you, “is”—meaning everything it means to be human. Jesus demonstrated his solidarity with the human race by sharing with us every stage of development.
He was an “embryo.” He was a “fetus.” He was a nursing infant. He was a child. He is an adult. An attack on vulnerable humanity is an attack on the image of God. And that image is not abstract. The image of God has a name and a blood type. The image of God is Christ Jesus himself (Col. 1:15). Every human image-bearer is patterned after the Alpha and Omega image of the invisible God.
And at the Cross, Jesus stood with and for humanity in suffering. We are often told that abortion is ethical because the “products of conception” aren’t “viable,” that is, they cannot live outside the womb. This suggests that the value of a human life consists in its autonomous power. But Jesus was conceived in the most vulnerable situation possible in the ancient world—as a fatherless orphan. He lived as a migrant refugee outrunning with his family the Planned Parenthood of his day, the King Herod, into a land hostile to his own. He died helplessly convulsing on a cross, dependent on others even for hydration. Even in death, Jesus counted himself with thieves and was buried in a borrowed grave. In his humanity, Jesus wasn’t “viable” either.
Moreover, like the dead orphans of Planned Parenthood, Jesus was seen as valuable only in terms of his “parts.” The soldiers cast lots for his clothing (Mk. 15:23). With the very King of Israel standing before them, the Roman soldiers could see his value only in terms of how much money they could fetch from his garments. That should shock the conscience.
And yet, at the Cross, we do not simply see Jesus standing in solidarity with those suffering. He stands also in the place of sinners. He is counted with thieves, one executed on his left, and one on his right. One thief reflected the culture of death. He saw Jesus only in terms of what Jesus can do for him, temporally: “Save yourself and us!” (Lk. 23:39.
But there were two thieves, remember. The other saw his own desperation, crying out for mercy. Who knows what this man had done? The word “thief” in this context doesn’t connote a petty pickpocket. This mean was more akin to a murderer, a pirate, or a terrorist, to use contemporary language. Jesus forgave him, not because his actions were excusable but because he was hidden by faith in the punishment Jesus bore for him.
The cross should remind us that Jesus hears the cries of the suffering, even those whose cries are unable to be heard. But the cross should also remind us that Jesus saves sinners. The actions of Planned Parenthood are horrendous, both in terms of social injustice and in terms of personal sin against God. What can wash away such sin? Nothing. Nothing but the blood of Jesus.
We should work for justice for the unborn, and for their victimized mothers. And, at the same time, we should speak to the consciences of those who see them as little more than pieces to be bartered. What Planned Parenthood is doing, let’s be clear, is violent and murderous. But the gospel can convict consciences, even consciences darkened by violence. And, when God saves such sinners, he often uses these trophies of grace to speak up for justice for those persecuted and mercy for their persecutors, through faith in Christ and newness of life in him.
Planned Parenthood is a killing field. We should groan inwardly, and work outwardly, against such evil. But, as we do so, let’s remember another killing field, a Place of the Skull, where peace came to the violent, through a cross of both justice and justification.
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Please join us July 21-22, 2016 in Washington, DC for Evangelicals for Life. You can find more information here.

For a Happy Marriage: Believe the Best — Even When You're Hurt

By Shaunti Feldhahn

Part of the Three Tips for a Happy Marriage Series

Series About:

Daily Living

Woman and man, arm-in-arm, walking in fall trees

It was 7:00 p.m. on a Friday, and after a string of exhausting weeks, Kathryn couldn’t wait for a long-planned and much-needed romantic date with her husband, Josh.The kids were finally at Grandma’s house (hallelujah!), the favorite meal was cooked, the table was set beautifully and there were candles in the bedroom for later. But as the minutes ticked by . . . no Josh. And no call. Finally at 7:40, a quick text: Boss grabbed me 4 last-min client call. So sorry. By 8:30, Kathryn was trying to hold back the tears. She found herself thinking she just wasn't a priority for Josh, so she put away the beautifully cooked food — and the candles.
Have you ever been in Kathryn’s place in some way, thinking that your husband just doesn’t care? Or maybe you’re a husband who tackled an all-day honey-do painting project to surprise your wife, only to hear, “Um . . . I thought we were going to do a texture in this room.” Maybe you’ve had the angry feeling: I just can’t do anything right for her.
It is easy to have those thoughts when we are hurt, but it is poisonous to the relationship. Why? Because we’re assuming that our spouse is hurting us on purpose. And we’re almost always wrong. In my research study, I found that nearly all spouses — even in struggling marriages — deeply cared about their mate. But if we want to have a great marriage, we'll have to force ourselves to believe that truth. We have to believe that our spouse has good intentions toward us, even when we are legitimately hurt.
In Josh and Kathryn’s case, here’s what it looked like in practice. Kathryn later told me that after she had the initial “I’m just not a priority” reaction, she purposefully switched that train of thought. No, she told herself, I know he was looking forward to this date as much as I was. There must be another explanation. And it entirely changed how she approached him.
When Josh finally came home at 9 p.m., he was stressed, anxious and a bit defensive. Kathryn was honest but calm instead of furious. “I’m really disappointed,” she said. “What happened?”
Surprised at her measured tone of voice, Josh’s defenses dropped. “I’m so, so sorry,” he said. “I heard today that the company is probably being acquired, and our team may be downsized. When Monty asked me to jump on that last-minute call with a big client, I didn’t feel like I could say no.”
Kathryn disagreed with how Josh handled the situation, wondering why he couldn’t have pulled away for 60 seconds before getting on the call, just to let her know. But she saw the heart behind what seemed to be a heartless action: Josh loved his wife and family and didn’t want to risk his ability to provide for them. By assuming the best about Josh's motives — rather than the worst — Kathryn preserved the happiness in their marriage instead of hurting it.
We can all do the same in our marriages. When we are hurt, as all of us will be at some time, we can remind ourselves that our spouse almost certainly wants our best. And then we can look for the best explanation rather than the worst. And when we do, we’ll see the signals of love and care that were likely there all along.
Shaunti Feldhahn is a social researcher and the author of The Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Marriages. For more on Shaunti's research, visit Shaunti.com.

Decision Training

By Arlyn Lawrence

Article About:

Parenting Challenges

My husband and I enrolled our son Tyler in soccer when he was 5. For years we endured early Saturday morning games in the cold and drizzly Northwest weather. I can remember sitting there — shivering, hair dripping, teeth chattering — watching him play. I was miserable, but my husband had been an avid soccer player in his youth and wanted Tyler to have the same opportunity. Tyler never complained, so we assumed he wanted it, too.
The year Tyler turned 13, his team made a move into a more demanding league, and we needed to decide if he would move up with them. We were shocked when he declared that he was done with soccer. He admitted that the only reason he played was because we had wanted him to.
I'd spent all those Saturday mornings in the rain for nothing — until my husband and I realized we were probably doing the same thing to him in other areas. I’m sure the rest of our kids are now grateful this incident happened, as it started the process of our letting each of them take responsibility for more of their own decisions.
Good decision-making is like any other skill. Sometimes kids get it right; sometimes they get it wrong. “Getting it wrong” can be just as important as getting it right. Unfortunately, many parents aren’t willing to let their kids make those valuable and messy mistakes.
Support for decision-making
Too often, we find it easier to make decisions for our kids, rather than taking the time to have the necessary conversations with them so they can complete a task on their own. Sometimes, it may seem safer to do it ourselves than risk their making a bad decision, or one with which we don’t personally agree. It can also feel painful and unloving to let them experience the consequences that may come with making a bad decision.
Essentially, though, we ought to be empowering our children — giving them the tools and confidence to live independently in the real world. By allowing them opportunities to practice making their own decisions, we position our children to then develop the skills and competencies they need to succeed.
Being a third party
I have found that a particularly effective decision-making strategy is to invite my children to project their decisions onto a third party. This can depersonalize the emotional element, if there is one. You might recount a similar situation in your own life and how it turned out. Or, you might ask them how they would advise a friend in the same circumstances. This kind of a discussion promotes a safe, sharing environment for objective decision-making.

Limited options
Another strategy that worked well when our children were much younger and needed more guidance in their decision-making was to give them a limited number of options. Any of the options would have been acceptable to us, but it gave them a feeling of empowerment to be able make simple choices about what they would wear or what they would eat. So, for example, when my 5-year-old might have chosen to wear shorts on a snowy day in the middle of January, I wouldn’t say, “What do you want to wear today?” Rather, I would ask something like, “Which pants would you like to wear today — your jeans or the black leggings?” At mealtime, instead of, “What do you want to eat?” — in which case the answer would likely have been, “Ice cream!” — I might ask, “Would you like a grilled cheese sandwich or a quesadilla?”
Trusted options
As my children matured and increasingly exhibited good decision-making skills, I stopped offering them options and asked them, “What are the options? Which do you think is the best option?” We found this helped build self-confidence and trust, and often led to being invited to share our opinion when they asked, “What do you think, Mom (or Dad)?” It was surprising how often our teens would ask for our opinions when we weren’t too quick to offer unsolicited advice.
Family decisions
I hope that the most memorable decision-making lesson our children will have taken from our home, though, is the practice of seeking God’s wisdom for decision-making through prayer. My husband and I often invited our children, at all ages, to pray with us about matters big and small. For example, when we were contemplating an out-of-town move, we had a family meeting to pray about first — and discuss second — our options and feelings.
Each child was invited to pray individually and ask the Lord for wisdom and direction, and then share with the family the thoughts that came to his or her mind. Our adult children tell us they still follow this practice of seeking God for the wisdom they need, for whatever decision is at hand (James 1:5).
Similarly, some good friends of ours annually invited their children to share in the decision-making about the family’s year-end charitable giving. It reinforced the principle of stewardship, encouraged the children to explore their interests and passions, and helped them identify those in the world they wanted to help the most. They learned to research, analyze and pray over their decisions — building character qualities of generosity, joy of giving, stewardship and others-centeredness along with good decision-making skills.
The outcome
Making tough decisions is never easy. But if we can empower our kids to make them when they are in our home and the stakes are lower, their ability to make good decisions later, when they're on their own, increases. They'll be better equipped for the challenges and responsibilities of the real world.

Minggu, 26 Juli 2015

A Foster-Care Adoption Story

Wait No More: A Foster-Care Adoption Story

By Kelly Rosati

Part of the Wait No More: A Foster-Care Adoption Story Series

Series About:

Adoptive Families

My husband, John, and I always believed that if we weren't getting pregnant, there was a reason. And to us, adoption seemed like the obvious reason. We figured that God had a different plan for us down the road, and we were OK with that. We had full lives and ministries, were active with our church and were all around really happy, content folks.
John and I became involved in the pro-life movement early in our marriage. And my interest in pro-life issues had begun to seriously grow ever since my second and third years of law school. Stemming from my pro-life passion was an eagerness to advance the cause of adoption.
I learned about a Christian woman named DeeannaMarie Wallace. She had been involved in adoption for decades, both personally and as a calling to help other kids and families. She and her husband, Randy, had nine kids, seven of whom were adopted. She had mentored and supported countless Christian families throughout the adoption process, and her name kept coming up whenever I spoke with anyone about adoption.
Deeanna was developing a reputation as the Christian go-to lady on adoption. I needed to connect with her. Through a series of phone calls and various connections, Deeanna invited John and me to their home for dinner.
Unknown to us, that night would change our lives forever.

Children in Need

John and I held hands and said grace around the dinner table in Deeanna and Randy's modest home. Joining us were their five girls, who ranged in age from 5 to 15 and represented every size, shape, color, ethnicity and background. Several of the girls were already adopted; others were in the Wallace home through foster care.
"There are orphans right here in Hawaii who need adoptive families," Deeanna told us passionately. "They're trapped in foster care, and the church really needs to get involved."
We looked at their girls. Here they were, former legal orphans in our own state, our own community, our own neighborhood.
Throughout the course of the night, we learned that these girls had experienced abuse, neglect and abandonment. Unspeakable, harrowing things were done to them by their birth parents, whose job it was to take care of and protect them. We also learned that if a child is in foster care long enough, eventually the birth parents' rights will be terminated, and the child will become a "legal orphan." And then that child will sit and wait. And wait. And wait. And wait.
These kids wake up each day wondering if they'll have to pack up again and move to another foster home – for any or no reason.
And there they'll sit, and if a loving adoptive family doesn't come into their lives, they'll turn 18 and "age out" or exit the foster-care system. Those who do will likely become adults who belong nowhere and to no one.
Deeanna told us, "Every year in the United States, more than 20,000 youth age out of the system. And not surprisingly, the statistics show that many of them end up in prison or at homeless shelters and receive government aid, and they sometimes have kids who also end up in foster care.
"In Hawaii," she continued, "there are 2,500 kids in foster care. And hundreds are waiting to be adopted."
John and I were stunned. There were children needing families in our own backyard? Could this be true? We were two reasonably smart people who'd been completely ignorant about a really big problem. Near the end of the evening, Deeanna showed us a picture of some friends of hers – a military family who had six children, all through the blessing of adoption. Deeanna said we reminded her of them.
Honestly, I thought she must be nuts to think that.
My head was spinning. John and I were Christ followers. We knew that God's Word spoke frequently about God's heart for orphans and the Christian's duty to care for them. We had talked about adoption before, and we were always open to it, but we'd never pursued it seriously. We thought maybe it would happen after we had birth children. As pro-lifers, we'd always said we'd adopt any baby who would otherwise be aborted. That was a no-brainer.
Why would these kids in foster care be any different? How could we do nothing about what we'd heard? We'd been so blessed. We had room in our house. How could we turn our backs on kids in need?
We weren't sure what we were going to do, but we knew we had to do something. Hearing about the needs of these kids awakened John's sense of protection. He's a military man, after all, and he couldn't just sit back and not take action. He had to do something!
I kept thinking about the Good Samaritan in Luke 10:25-37. Remember the story? Jesus told a parable about a man traveling from Jerusalem to Jericho who gets attacked. He's beaten, robbed and left for dead.
I sensed that God was challenging us, asking us if, like the religious men in the parable, we'd just pass by and do nothing. Or would we be like the Samaritan, who did something about the person in need right in front of him?
John and I talked and prayed about it a lot.
Talking and praying abstractly about the things that break God's heart is one thing. Seeing and hearing needs up close and personal – in your face, literally – is clarifying. There was no way we could see what we were seeing – precious faces, voices, and lives of real kids in desperate need – and go back to our comfortable life unchanged.
There was no noble decision making; it was just crystal clear to John and me that we were going to do something. We were completely on the same page, something we paid close attention to. It wasn't a hard decision; it was the obvious decision, set right before us. When we looked at the pros and cons, the obvious pros were that we were doing what Jesus commanded His followers to do and being who He commanded us to be. There weren't really any cons that could compete with that.
We were excited – thrilled, really. And scared. But we believed as we trusted the Lord with all our hearts, leaned not on our own understanding, and acknowledged Him in all our ways that He was directing our path (Proverbs 3:5-6).

The Rift Between Moms

by Lisa-Jo Baker

I knew a mom who lost all her baby weight quickly, who didn't have to drop off her son at day care every morning, and who laughed at the easy familiarity of motherhood when it seemed like a strange and scary land to me.
We sat outside in the late afternoon sun before church one evening, and I watched her feed her boy zucchini and potatoes. I watched him eat it while my toddler spit up anything I offered.
She said, as everyone used to, "He's so tiny. How much does he weigh?" I felt the shame of failing at one more element of this new gig. I quietly resented her and wanted to be her at the same time.
Since then, my husband and I have added two more kids to our family, and I've realized I'm not the only mom who feels so inadequate. I see oceans of insecurity all around me. This is the one thing we're all terrified of getting wrong — how to be someone's mother. It makes us quick to point fingers at another mom, to keep score, because we need to neutralize our own feelings of failure. The shortest cut is to cut her down to size.
We are moms who are threatened by moms who work outside the home. We are moms who judge moms who work as stay-at-home parents in the home. We are moms who are annoyed by the mom who doesn't socialize with other moms but concentrates on her smartphone at the park; or we assume that if her kid is difficult, then she must be a bad parent. We are the moms who have worked so hard to be defined by our degrees that we're offended by the moms who are content without degrees.
Yet the women we're so offended by bear our name: Mom. And they, too, change diapers, set curfews and engage in the grueling art of saying "no." Our mommy-measuring jealously finds its mark against other "perfect" moms, and we competitively make comparisons between their lives and our own.
But what if we could see that? What if others' choices didn't offend mine? What if together we actually accepted Jesus' dare in John 15:12 to "love one another as I have loved you"?
What would that look like — to love other moms rather than whipping out measuring sticks and insecurities? Instead of judging with raised eyebrows, pursed lips and hands on hips, what if we focused on being the kind of neighbor everyone would want?
If we really treated others as Jesus did, loving our neighbors as Jesus instructed in Luke 10:30-37, maybe it would look something like this:
Stop comparing; start encouraging.

It's the strangest mother instinct — to instantly compare myself and my child to her and her child. Whether I'm standing in line at the bank and the mom ahead of me is holding hands with her child or I'm watching a room full of delicate, 3-year-old ballerinas twirl out of time to music, I am mentally measuring the superior mothering skills of other women, comparing my child to theirs.
We measure each other to see if we measure up. But what if that tug to compare was instead a trigger to encourage? What if we took the extra moment to find something to praise in that other mother sitting across from us at the playground? Authentically building up someone else is the first step to feeling better about ourselves and has the added benefit of helping us start to defuse some of our own insecurities by focusing on someone else's beauty and not our own inadequacies.
Remember our kids are always watching.

When I'm tired and the kids are demanding and I explode with, "I am not your servant," I shouldn't be surprised when a week later I hear an older brother respond to a younger brother's request for help in the same way.
We are walking, talking, living lessons for our kids. And what we love, they may end up loving. But what we judge, they will probably judge. Criticizing other mothers tells our kids it's OK for them to criticize their friends. Teaching our kids how to serve and how to love their neighbors as themselves — especially when their neighbors don't look, live or choose the same as they do — starts with how I treat those who don't live like me. My hope is that one day they will be comfortable in homes that look nothing like the one they grew up in, that they will be quick to love and slow to criticize, because they started practicing early.
Be brave enough to be "un-fine."

For a long time I hid my messes. I was afraid of them and afraid of what people would say. So I just walked around with this ache of insecurity and new-mom panic. I tried to ignore these feelings, politely saying I was "fine" when anyone asked how I was doing — as if this could ease the doubt that was living in me as my 1-year-old went night after sleepless night convincing me I had no business being anyone's mom.
"Fine" is so dangerous. Fine means the end of a conversation and the beginning of nothing. If the "truth will set you free" (John 8:32), it's best to start living in it, even when it's hard to admit our un-fine moments. I've found it's in those moments that people can actually get to us to help us.
The day I admitted to a friend that I was anything but fine was the day I discovered the beginning of real friendship and the ability to start piecing my un-fine bits back together. No mom is exempt from the un-fine days. And rather than pretending they don't exist, if we are willing to share how we made it through, we'll help equip each other with the survival skills for managing the next bout of bad days. And we just might gain new friends who will bring over chocolate cake when we're in the thick of it.
Give the gift of going first.

Here's the thing — other mothers are desperate to know that they're not alone in their fear of failure, their sleeplessness, their worry that the baby isn't gaining weight, sleeping through the night yet or walking. But they are equally afraid of admitting that out loud.
If you're willing to fess up to your own fears, you open the door for others to be freed from the isolation of the awful lie that "I'm the only one who ever felt this way."
You give them a gift when you go first — the possibility of community and solidarity. You give them the gift of transparency and acceptance. You lift a load off their shoulders when you open up with your own stories of failure, like when your son told his kindergarten teacher about the time you lost your temper and told him to "shut up, already."
Years after I was a first-time mom; years after I'd said goodbye to my pre-mom jeans and adapted to a perpetual state of sleep-deprivation; years after having my third baby — one night an email arrived in my inbox. It was from the mom I used to measure and re-measure and complain about.
The perfect mom with her perfect son and her perfect waistline — that I could never live up to — admitted that she'd once felt just as lost as I had. Her heart had been as lonely as mine in those first years of motherhood. Her story that felt miles away from mine sidled up to say that we'd been in it together all along. We just didn't know.
We were both so focused on the how-tos that we forgot the me-toos. We missed the freedom of admitting to our struggles and the relief of saying, "Me, too."
And just like that, the boundary line between us was erased. Or rather, she stepped over it, and it got scuffed up by our footprints, our messes, our very different choices — as we walked right into the middle of a shared story.

Lisa-Jo Baker is a popular blogger and the author of Surprised by Motherhood.

Either “OK” or “Thank You”

By Jonathan Parnell

“My five-year-old can’t stop saying the f-word.”

My five-year-old can’t stop saying the f-word.
It just happened. I didn’t teach it to her. Her mom didn’t either. But again and again—and every Saturday without fail—she wants to know, in a voice tinged with concern, “What are we going to do today for fun?”
Kids have a corner on the market of fun, you know. It’s basically enigmatic to most adults. Perhaps the new definition should go something like this: fun [fuhn]: noun; an esoteric concept, embedded deep in the mind of a child, which they cannot adequately communicate.
As a dad, I consider myself both an advocate and agent of my children’s happiness. I want them to be happy, and I want to lead them in things that are, well, fun (whatever that is). But the problem is that, at least lately, I’ve not hit the target. Sub-par activities are greeted with grumbling, and the actual “fun” activities are brushed off with entitlement—all of which has led to a new rule in our house:

when you hear instructions you don’t like, you respond, “OK.”

when you hear instructions you do like, you respond, “Thank you.”

Those are really the only two options.
You can ask questions later. I’m good with questions. No issue there. But for the first response, it’s either “OK” or “thank you.” Counter-offers are not accepted. We don’t do negotiations. It’s “OK” or it’s “thank you.” Capiche?

More Than Manners

There’s good reason for this. It’s not merely a matter of manners. The words mean less than the habit of the heart I hope is formed by their use—the habit of trust and gratitude. Those are the antidotes to grumbling and entitlement. We only grumble because we don’t trust the Providence of our circumstances (Exodus 16:7), and we only feel entitled when we mistake our gifts as something we deserve (1 Corinthians 4:7).
So behind “OK” is the wondrous resolve to accept reality not as chaotic happenstance, but as motions put in action by someone who loves me—by a dad who is both an advocate and agent of his children’s happiness. And then behind “thank you” is the eye-opening bewilderment that I have received good for which I have neither paid nor earned—good from a dad who, at his own cost, delights in the smile of his children. See, kids, it’s either “OK” or “thank you.” Don’t you get it? Don’t you know that I love you? Don’t you know we don’t have to do anything?
And then there’s that moment when, in the face of your disgruntled piglets, you see your own heart before God. Oh, Father. I get it. I see what you did there.

Just as Convoluted

We Christian Hedonists believe that God is most glorified in us when we’re most satisfied in him. We’ll highlight this truth in our books. We’ll tweet about it all day long. We’ll sing about it on Sunday mornings. But then things don’t go our way.
The traffic jam is ridiculous. The meeting lasts too long. The doctor tells you it’s cancer. The company goes in a different direction. And suddenly we find ourselves, when the pressure is put on, oozing another grumble. We hurt. We shake our heads. We throw our tantrums. As it turns out, the rock-solid joy we celebrate is actually more illusive than we thought.
Or then things really do go our way.
We’re killing it at work. The accolades are rolling in. That promotion is just around the corner. The mood at home is at an incredible high. The kids are doing well in school. The marriage bed is all it’s meant to be. You wake up in the morning with a bluebird on your shoulder. And suddenly we find ourselves, if we could actually see ourselves, grinning from ear to ear, happy as a clam, thinking that we’ve done something great—that, because of a little success, we are awesome and this is how it should be. We smile. We cheer. We’re glad. But that rock-solid joy we celebrate actually finds its anchor somewhere else.
So we come to find out that we’re kids all over again. We’re jerked around by the undercurrent of grumbling, tossed to and fro by the waves of entitlement. Our definition for blessing is as convoluted as a five-year-old’s standard for fun.

For Day-In, Day-Out

We know this isn’t right, and we wish it were different. What we need isn’t so much new information, but the wisdom—the grace—to connect the dots of what we know to the circumstances where it matters. And that is why, within this vision of life known as Christian Hedonism, two of the most helpful, practical words for the day-in, day-out stuff of life are “OK” and “thank you.”
When things go sideways, whether in the valley of deepest suffering, or even in the petty annoyance of disappointed plans, we simply stop, bow our heads, and say, “OK.” We don’t like it this way. We wouldn’t choose it.
But we know—we know—that every circumstance in our lives comes through the loving hands of a Father who is devoted to our eternal flourishing. We know, as the apostle Paul tells us, that because we were made his in Christ, God’s incomparable power is only and always wielded for our good (Romans 8:28). No, we don’t like it. And yes, we have some questions. But first, by his grace, we say, “OK.” Father, OK. It hurts. I don’t understand. But I trust you.
And then when we’re soaring, when we’re skipping along the mountain peaks of life, we stop, find a quiet place and bawl our eyes out that God would be this kind to me—a sinner, a fool, a hopeless creature, if not for his mercy.
So we laugh to scorn those subtle thoughts that try to take the credit, and we get beside ourselves in joy—a joy that knows these little pleasures in life are but a fleeting glimpse into that ocean of gladness that awaits us. And it is there, in that ocean, that we cast our anchor, and say, “Thank you.” Father, I don’t deserve this. You are just this good, and even better.
It’s either “OK” or “thank you.”

Jonathan Parnell (@Jonathanparnell) is a content strategist at desiringGod.org. He and his wife, Melissa, live in the Twin Cities with their three children and counting. He grew up in a rural community just outside of Raleigh, NC and studied at The College of Southeastern in Wake Forest, NC and Bethlehem Seminary in Minneapolis. An aspiring pastor and writer, Jonathan hopes to plant a church in the Twin Cities and give his life to helping people see the glory of Jesus. More from Jonathan Parnell or visit Jonathan at http://www.desiringgod.org/blog

How to Prevent Brotherly Love

By Erik Raymond

Provided by

“This all-important, ever precious, God-reflecting love from within the church—could potentially come to a grinding halt.”

“Let brotherly love continue.” (Hebrews 13:1)

Brotherly love is the love that comes from God and functions within the context of our new family, the church. And we come to experience and express this love by repenting of our sin and trusting in Jesus Christ for salvation. A love like this is so very precious. It is little wonder then that the author of Hebrews says, let brotherly love continue. It is something that is so very costly! Christ gave his own life; he died to purchase this love. This is not cheap, fleeting, diminishing love, but costly, enduring and replenishing love.
However, this verse indicates a potential for brotherly love to stop. This all-important, ever precious, God-reflecting love from within the church—could potentially come to a grinding halt. This is very concerning to the writer of Hebrews. This should be very concerning to Christians. This is why he urges his hearers, and all Christians who would come after them, to let brotherly love continue.
If we are going to persevere in this brotherly love amid adversity, we need to know what the problem is. What impedes brotherly love? What derails it? What suffocates it?
In short: selfishness.
In other words, we oppose it. The love of self will suffocate a love for others. John Calvin got it exactly right when, thinking about this verse, he said, “When someone thinks more of himself than he ought, he will love others less than he ought.”
Selfishness is such a helpful word when thinking about what impedes our progress in holiness. Selfish. It is to be focused on, preoccupied with, in love with, concerned with—self. It is the characteristic of a heart that is turned inward upon itself. We love self, preserve self, honor self, serve self and defend self.
Selfishness is actually self-worship. Anything we elevate above God and his commands is what we worship. So, if we don’t obey God’s commands because we don’t like how it will make us feel or look, or because we just don’t want to—then we have identified our selfishness.
What does this look like? What impedes brotherly love in the church? We could list 500 things, but here are five big ones.
1. Isolation from others. Regrettably some Christians do not make the Lord’s Day gathering a high priority. What’s more, some have very little contact with other believers during the week. It is very difficult to love other people when we are not with them. This also reveals a selfishness that we know suffocates brotherly love: “Whoever isolates himself seeks his own desire.” (Prov. 18:1).
2. Disengagement. When we are with our brothers and sisters, we must be present with them. It is not enough to physically be there; we must actually be there. Consider a holiday gathering where Grandma is talking about her health or some stories from her youth only to have someone sitting there a few feet away scanning Facebook, reading the news or playing Candy Crush? In order to do the requisite heart work in the church family, we must be present not only physically but mentally, emotionally and most importantly—spiritually. Are you present with your church family?
3. Superficiality. We have to remember that Christian love, at its heart, is a redemptive love. This means that it is rooted in God saving us from our sin. This includes the sin of selfishness. When we love others, we are to be helping them to become more like Jesus Christ. If we are superficial, and by this I mean talking about all kinds of surface items, we will never get to the matters of the heart, the stuff that really matters. Superficiality will prevent the type of redemptive love that irritates (in the right sense) our sinful preoccupation with ourselves.
4. Unresolved conflict. When people have something against a brother or sister and they do not deal with the problem, it creates a wedge in the relationship. Unresolved conflict builds walls in relationship. Each day that passes is another brick in the wall of separation. When we do not deal with conflict, we have to understand that we are neither loving God nor are we loving our brothers. We are not loving God because we refuse to obey his commands, and we are not loving our brother or sister because we do not care enough about holiness in their lives to actually speak with them about it. I am sure you can see how this is self-worship instead of God worship.
5. Gossip. This is talking about someone behind their back rather than going and talking to the person. Oftentimes it is the defaming of the character by spreading lies about them. With gossip, the heart bent in on itself attempts to rid itself of any competition by cutting other people down with their tongues. Instead of speaking the truth in love, gossipers speak lies in pride.
If we are turned inward upon ourselves, we will not be given to the sacrifice and service of another. We cannot love self and others. We will love the one and hate the other.
On the night before he was crucified, our Lord washed his disciples’ feet. The king took on the culturally lowest form of a servant and he bathed them. This was demonstrating the type of service he has for his people. And, it was to be the type of service that is to characterize his followers.

“A new commandment I give to you, that you love one another: Just as I have loved you, you also are to love one another. By this all people will know that you are my disciples, if you have love for one another.” (John 13:34-35)

The one who gave everything to serve his family, even to his own death, calls us to reflect the same type of selfless, outward-looking love for his family, the church.
Because brotherly is so precious to God, it must be precious to us.
(This is an excerpt from a sermon titled “Let Brotherly Love Continue,” preached at Emmaus Bible Church—here is the link to the full message.)

Erik is a pastor at Emmaus Bible Church (EmmausBibleChurch.org), a church plant south of Omaha. Converse with Erik on Twitter at @erikraymond. More from Erik Raymond or visit Erik at http://www.ordinarypastor.com/

The Church Needs More Deborahs

By J. D. Greear

“When God has called women to lead … we equip them to lead.”

My wife and I have three daughters—aged 11, 9 and 7. (We managed to sneak a little boy in there at the end, but ours is still a house full of women.) So the story of Deborah—the first and only female judge in Israel—speaks to what I hope for my daughters, what I dream for them and what I pray over them.
More than almost any other passage in Scripture, Deborah’s story emphasizes a truth that evangelical churches too often neglect: God gives to women every spiritual gift that he gives to men.
There is a myth alive today that men should be taught deep, rich theology … while women should learn how to match their curtains with their pillows, or how to be a good housewife, or how to not feel sad on rainy days. As one prominent author points out, if you attend most Christian women’s conferences and they teach from Ephesians, you can bet they’ll stick to Ephesians 5—talking about the role of the wife in marriage. It’s as if the rest of Ephesians is written for men, and Paul threw in a few verses for the women in his audience.
At the risk of stating the obvious, let me be clear: The whole book of Ephesians is for women. And so is the entire Bible. If women want to know God’s will for their lives, if they want to be shown what God desires for them, they had better not limit themselves to Ephesians 5 and Proverbs 31. Every chapter of every book of the entire Bible is for women. And they need to know it all.
Women shaped by the Word won’t grow up to be weak, superficial waifs. They become leaders. Deborah certainly was. She was a prophet, the wisest person in all of Israel. People came to her for godly counsel, and she led the nation through a time of oppression and war.
Now, some people look at Deborah and try to say that the only reason she led Israel was that there weren’t any “real men” around to lead. But nothing in Judges indicates that. Yes, Barak (her military counterpart) may have wavered in his faith. But the text never says that Deborah’s leadership is a shame on the nation of Israel. Instead, it says that Deborah judged and led because God gifted her to do so.
Our ministry to women at the Summit doesn’t aim to simply create better wives and mothers. Yes, if that is God’s role for you, we want to equip you to do it for his glory. But women’s ministry needs to be about more than being a wife or a mother; it needs to be about seeing women leverage their lives for the kingdom of God. And when God has called women to lead, it means we equip them to lead.
At this point, you may be inclined to ask: Are you saying that there aren’t any distinctions between men’s and women’s roles? Not in the least. In both the Old and New Testaments, God establishes certain positions that he reserves only for men and others he reserves only for women. Women, for example, were never priests in the Old Testament. And as for Deborah, even though she led the nation of Israel through wise government, she didn’t lead the army. In the New Testament, the Apostle Paul points out that the role of pastor-elder is one that only men can hold (1 Tim 2:12–3:1).
Where people get tripped up is in thinking that these distinct roles create a dichotomy: Either you believe there is no distinction of roles at all; or you believe women can only serve in some kind of diminutive role, that they should never be leaders in any sphere.
But that’s not a dichotomy the Bible sets up. Scripture shows us that women teach and lead and prophesy and exhibit every spiritual gift that men do. The New Testament calls them deaconesses (Rom 16:1-2), fellow workers for the gospel (Phil 4:1-2) and prophetesses (Acts 2:17). At one point Priscilla is even said to be the tutor of one of the greatest preachers of the day, Apollos (Acts 18:26). But none of these leadership roles subverts God’s order, nor do they mean that we abolish the distinct role of pastor-elder. Women are equals without being equivalents.
Tim Keller summarizes this well:
“God forbids one kind of role in the church to women, as he did in Israel. We must not jump from that to forbidding all teaching tasks to women. … It is better to say that everything a man who isn’t an elder can do—a woman can do also.”
So for women specifically, I want to say three things:
1. God has a calling on your life. Your role is not to sit on the sidelines, make casseroles and have kids. You are not simply your husband’s wife or your children’s mother. So do you know your calling? Have you risen up to obey it? Like Deborah, you need to get in the fight.
2. You are a leader with spiritual authority. Yes, you. I know a lot of women who are entirely too dependent on their husbands. They never take any spiritual responsibility and act like “submitting” to their husband means they shouldn’t ever exercise any spiritual authority anywhere. But that’s not Deborah (who was married, by the way). Here we find a leader of the highest caliber, the wisest and most courageous person in all of Israel. So don’t hide behind your husband. If God has called you to lead, then lead.
3. You can do all this while respecting God’s order. Deborah doesn’t subvert God’s order by leading. She is still identified by her husband, and doesn’t take positions God hasn’t assigned to her. Reject the dichotomy: You don’t have to choose between exercising your gifts and obeying God’s order. Deborah did both, and you can, too.
The church needs more Deborahs. We need those godly, strong women to step up and use the gifts God has given them. We need Deborahs in the home, speaking courage into their family’s lives. We need Deborahs in ministry, calling us to give and pray and go and sacrifice. We need Deborahs in society, women who lead with wisdom, courage and faith.

J.D. Greear, Ph.D., pastors the Summit Church in Raleigh-Durham, NC. Tagged by Outreach magazine as one of the fastest growing churches in America, the Summit has grown in the past 8 years from 400 to over 5,000 each weekend. The Summit Church is deeply involved in global church planting, having undertaken the mission to plant 1000 churches in the next 40 years. J.D. has authored Breaking the Islam Code and the upcoming Gospel: Recovering the Power that Made Christianity Revolutionary. More from J. D. Greear or visit J. D. at http://www.jdgreear.com

How Do You Know You’re Repentant?

By Jared Wilson

Provided by

Twelve signs that mark a genuinely repentant heart.

How do you know when someone is repentant? In his helpful little book Church Discipline, Jonathan Leeman offers some guidance:

“A few verses before Jesus’ instruction in Matthew 18 about church discipline, he provides us with help for determining whether an individual is characteristically repentant: W ould the person be willing to cut off a hand or tear out an eye rather than repeat the sin (Matt. 18:8-9)? That is to say, is he or she willing to do whatever it takes to fight against the sin? Repenting people, typically, are zealous about casting off their sin. That’s what God’s Spirit does inside of them. When this happens, one can expect to see a willingness to accept outside counsel. A willingness to inconvenience their schedules. A willingness to confess embarrassing things. A willingness to make financial sacrifices or lose friends or end relationships.” (p. 72)

These are good indicators, and I believe we can add a few more.
Here are 12 signs we have a genuinely repentant heart:
1. We name our sin as sin and do not spin it or excuse it, and further, we demonstrate “godly sorrow,” which is to say, a grief chiefly about the sin itself, not just a grief about being caught or having to deal with the consequences of sin.
2. We actually confessed before we were caught or the circumstantial consequences of our sin caught up with us.
3. If found out, we confess immediately or very soon after and “come clean,” rather than having to have the full truth coaxed out of us. Real repentance is typically accompanied by transparency.
4. We have a willingness and eagerness to make amends. We will do whatever it takes to make things right and to demonstrate we have changed.
5. We are patient with those we’ve hurt or victimized, spending as much time as is required listening to them without jumping to defend ourselves.
6. We are patient with those we’ve hurt or victimized as they process their hurt, and we don’t pressure them or “guilt” them into forgiving us.
7. We are willing to confess our sin even in the face of serious consequences (including undergoing church discipline, having to go to jail or having a spouse leave us).
8. We may grieve the consequences of our sin but we do not bristle under them or resent them. We understand that sometimes our sin causes great damage to others that is not healed in the short term (or perhaps ever this side of heaven).
9. If our sin involves addiction or a pattern of behavior, we do not neglect to seek help with a counselor, a solid 12-step program or even a rehabilitation center.
10. We don’t resent gracious accountability, pastoral rebuke or church discipline.
11. We seek our comfort in the grace of God in Jesus Christ, not simply in being free of the consequences of our sin.
12. We are humble and teachable.

As it is, I rejoice, not because you were grieved, but because you were grieved into repenting. For you felt a godly grief, so that you suffered no loss through us. For godly grief produces a repentance that leads to salvation without regret, whereas worldly grief produces death. For see what earnestness this godly grief has produced in you, but also what eagerness to clear yourselves, what indignation, what fear, what longing, what zeal, what punishment! At every point you have proved yourselves innocent in the matter. —2 Corinthians 7:9-11

(I have put my signs in the first person plural not because it is always inappropriate to seek to gauge someone’s repentance, but because we should always be gauging our own first, and because the truly forgiving heart is interested in an offender’s repentance but isn’t inordinately set on holding up measuring sticks but holding out grace.)

Jared is a husband, a father of two, a writer of books, and the pastor of a great church. Most importantly, He is a follower of Jesus. His passion is to spread the gospel wakefulness in the evangelical church. His book "Your Jesus is Too Safe" and "Abide" are available now, and is currently writing a third book entitled "Gospel Wakefulness". More from Jared Wilson or visit Jared at http://jaredcwilson.com